burgomaster

like the first signs of a flare up from stress/over exertion used to be red face + fever + rash on my hands

but the lines of my tattoo will become raised and then a little itchy before it progresses to that point

and im discovering that, yeah, if i just listen to the wizard and rest/recuperate/stop pushing myself when it starts acting weird, i can sometimes avoid triggering the other symptoms

And gogo dancers are professionals, right, like they're at work, so they're ready to sexily present somewhere for you to put the dollar but by the time I reach the pedestal I'm like. Remembering/possibly imagining all of my past awkward gogo dancer faux pas and thus am trying so hard to be normal that it wraps back around to being weird and so I stand there holding the dollar up over my head like a kid at the convenience store, hoping she'll just take it, but that's not how the social contract works so she strikes the pose, often already dripping with money and the strap of her g-string is the runway of a regional airport and the dollar a packed Boeing 737 and I'm on the horn with air traffic control (4 vodka crans) trying to thread that needle and then when I finally succeed and muscle my way back to my WIP (Wife of Infinite Patience) I'm like. Dude I just did Tony Tulathimutte's the feminist (le— and my wife is like you did not do Tony Tulathimutte's the feminist (lesbian version) to the gogo dancer you're literally fine just calm down.

one of the hallmarks of a kingism is that when a character is being Horny On Main (or In Maine), they can never do it in a normal way. they have to come up with a sequence of words that nobody has ever said before in the history of the english language. here's another example: