burgomaster

People universally seem to parse it as Mean but sometimes what you really, really need to hear is "this is not a socially appropriate thing to say, and you should not have said it"

what if she was called chappell bone and instead of a singer she was a necromancer who raised strong as fuck skeleton warriors

i am always one wrong word away from being shot by all the people who find me tolerable

I do like that given the opportunity to specify, you did choose to kill op

I assumed that's what op intended

I wanna be scrubbed I wanna be scrubbed I wanna be scrubbed I wanna be scrubbed I wanna be scrubbed I wanna be scrubbed I wanna b

Trace amounts of Monica in my life

A statistically insignificant level of Monica in my life

My life manufactured in a facility that also processes Monica

Everybody say "thank you south america" for the humble potato

Climate change, exacerbated by capitalist exploitation, is going to force more people to leave their homelands. Get more pro-immigrant and reject nationalism now!! We only have each other.

oh my goodness, one of dian fossey’s first close up observations with gorillas happened when she was trying to climb a tree to see them better, but so badly that by the time she’d gotten up the entire group had come out of hiding to look at her: “Nearly all members of the group had totally exposed themselves, forgetting about hiding coyly behind foliage screens because it was obvious to them that the observer had been distracted by tree-climbing problems, an activity they could understand.”

hello, fellow apes

[Image transcript: porch. The group had been day-nesting and sunbathing when I contacted them, but upon my approach they nervously retreated to obscure themselves behind thick foliage. Frustrated but determined to see them better, I decided to climb a tree, not one of my better talents. The tree was particularly slithery and, try as I might, no amount of puffing, pulling, gripping, or clawing succeeded in getting me more than a few feet aboveground. Disgustedly, I was about to give up when Sanwekwe came to my aid by giving one mighty boost to my protruding rump; tears were running from his eyes as he was convulsed in silent laughter. I felt as inept as a baby taking its first step. Finally able to grab on to a conveniently placed branch, I hauled myself up into a respectful semislouch position in the tree about twenty feet from the ground. By this time I naturally assumed that the combined noises of panting, cursing, and branch-breaking made during the initial climbing attempts must have frightened the group on to the next mountain. I was amazed to look around and find that the entire group had returned and were sitting like front row spectators at a sideshow. All that was needed to make the image complete were a few gorilla-sized bags of popcorn and some cotton candy! This was the first live audience I had ever had in my life and certainly the least expected.]

imagine some freakish not-a-human alien THING has shown up out of nowhere and is trying to get into your office building to study you. but it has no idea how to get past a revolving door. it tries for three hours. by the time it finally understands the concept of a revolving door and squeeze into the building everyone in the office is crowded into the lobby to watch and call helpful suggestions. it’s conclusively determined that the alien is definitely not a threat, except maybe to itself.

person who genuinely hates themselves so much they can barely look anyone in the eye: i must remain humble lest my hideous ego spiral out of control