dan and phil

TW!!: mentions of non consensual acts, possibly sexual assault ??, trauma, and death

a little under sixth months ago, I began to have a relationship with a guy I considered to be one of my best friends. we had never really talked about kissing or anything (I hadn’t yet kissed anyone.) but my friend told the guy that I was looking for just a “summer fling.” which excited a teenage boy.

he snuck out and came to my other friend’s house one night. we were alone outside. he had been gone for a few weeks so we sat down to talk. he immediately pulled me into his side on a chair in a “cuddle” sort of way. I didn’t think too much of it. I asked him about his trip and told him about my summer so far. he seemed disinterested in talking, and I wasn’t ready to start making out with him or anything. so I got on my phone and tried to talk to him about anything just to keep the conversation going.

instead, I got short answers and pulled into him closer. I decided to go inside my friend’s basement. (my four girl friends were upstairs and no parents were home.) he reluctantly agreed to go inside with me, but instead of wanting to go upstairs, like I suggested, he said we should sit in her basement living room. I agreed because anything was better than being in an awkward position outside like we were. he told me that we should lay down on the couch. I found myself trapped and unable to say no because of the person I am. so we lay together on the couch, and he essentially trapped me on the inside. I was noticeably uncomfortable and tried to talk about anything. he ignored it and was constantly looking at my phone, so I could not text anyone to help me in the awkward position. he even told me he “liked my shirt” and pulled it from being tucked into my shorts. which was very uncomfortable for me.

because I wasn’t able to just tell him no, I thought that getting a kiss over with was worth it. then it would all be over. so we kissed, and it was noticeably unenjoyable for both of us. so I immeditely tried to get up but he kissed me again.

now, I was very obviously uncomfortable and told him that he should probably go. he kept insisting that we should try again, since we “needed to just get better.” I kept telling him no, but he kept insisting.

eventually I got him towards the door where he kind of hugged me and said, “please, just one more for the road.” he knew that I was obviously very shy and would have a hard time saying no. but I got him out of the door and locked it immediately.

I felt very very violated. and I immeditely went to my friends and started to cry. I felt that I hadn’t been ready for what had happened. I also didn’t expect him to attempt to make out with me and even have sex with me (which he made obvious body language that he wanted to.) he then told my friend on the phone that he had met a girl at camp that he was also really into and he should probably have chosen her. when she yelled at him for violating me, he cried and said that he didn’t mean it.

this may seem like a normal, common thing that happens to most things. and I was told by everyone that “he’s a teenage boy. it’s what always happens.” but as someone who had to experience her father’s slow decline & eventual death, I was very prone to trauma. I am easily affected by little things like this. so this event haunted me everyday for months. and even now, 6 months later, I’m still very shaken. the worst part is, I have classes with this guy and constantly have to be around him. he seems fine and unscathed by what happened. no one found out what he did because I was so embarrassed for letting it happened. so unfortunately, no one is really aware. and everyone still refers to him as a nice, friendly boy.

please be aware that even people we trust, even people with no red warning flags, can do things like this.

thank you for being the first place I am able to share this.