When will you leave? Van Gogh & Much Paintings + My poetry.

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@phyabarrientos-blog
When will you leave? Van Gogh & Much Paintings + My poetry.

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Shipwreck June 13/17 | 2:09 AM I was just one of the those ships wandering in the ocean, surrounded by its thrilling uncertainties that I once firmly believed were worth venturing. I was a simple ship, absolutely not extravagant, but I had big dreams. I wanted to discover the ocean’s depths, meet some other ships that were on the same journey with me and hopefully reach the land of my dreams. In achieving this, I trusted the waves and the wind. I was that ship that trusted everything around it.
A storm came at night and it was a tough one. I surely did not anticipate its coming. When it happened, everything was so cold and dark. I could not maneuver against the waves’ crashing force that was dragging me violently anywhere, almost drowning me for good. The thunder rumbled so loud and the lightning flashed above me, making the situation look even more horrifying. I felt so distressed, scared, lost and alone. I cried and cried and cried, hoping it was over. I sent out an SOS and asked for help. A light came and so did my hope. I explained everything but it only told me “Hey, you got this.” I listened, I believed. The next day, I continued my journey.
Somehow, the storm just wouldn’t stop itself from coming back. And this time it was worse. The waves, thunder and lightning were angrier this time.The wind was howling words I could not fathom but I knew it spoke hopelessness. I tried to fight with all my might but it was so strong. I stopped fighting back and cried for help again. The light from the lighthouse appeared and told me with a condescending tone, “Hey, it’s not a big problem.” I listened, I believed. The next day, I continued my journey.
I was weak and less hopeful this time. The last storm took some parts of the ship essential for me to keep going. I wanted to be rescued already, but my thoughts of causing bother to the other ships stopped me. I felt so betrayed by the ocean and everything around me that I trusted. I hated myself for my limited capabilities. I hated myself because I could not help myself. I wished I was a different ship.
The storm this time was the worst of all. It was terribly turbulent and unforgiving. It was as if the waves were competing to get rid of my existence. The wind was more solid and painful, and I felt every part of the ship collapsing into surrender. The thunder and lightning were unstoppable, mocking me with my tragic situation. I cried the hardest this time and I decided not to fight anymore.
I reached the bottom of the ocean and although it wasn’t as wild as what was happening above the surface, it was darker, colder, emptier and lonelier, which was worse. This time I hoped I would die. I had a lot of cuts, dents and missing pieces and there was basically nothing left for me to live for. But there was this tiny hope out of nowhere that made me call for help one last time. I cried SOS once more and no longer hoped. It took a long time for the light to peep in but I waited. With an infuriating voice it said, “Get up! Other ships had it worse.”
I listened, I believed. But the next day, I no longer continued my journey. The next day, they announced me as a shipwreck.
artwork: Bell Rock Lighthouse (1819) by Joseph Mallord William Turner
big shirt, messy hair, hot tea, frank sinatra songs in the background: sunday mornings are the best
Crisis June 2/17 | 2:21 AM I was once naive but optimistic. My mind only chose to occupy what was only considered obvious in the eyes of men. I settled for common limitations and refused to discover beyond life’s exterior. I thought that knowing could only lead me to consequences I doubted I could handle. So I lived a life in a bubble. I hoped for life to take its own course with ease.
Unfortunately, it did not.
One day I woke up and felt as if I was placed in a different dimension. New eyes, new outlook, new life. Everything felt three-dimensional and day by day I started to take interest in little details and depths. I started to care and question. My cravings to know life’s beginning, meaning and purpose were unstoppable. I was restless.
But the more I delve, the more I lose my light. The more I gain, the closer I am to approach an abyss.
Is it really worth going this far?
artwork by: Jean-Luc Almond
oh, what is it with you and the heat that you bring you make me want to undress dive into something deep and wild feel infinite, feel satisfied your promises intoxicate me and the flings you make intrigue me i, myself, was a victim of your schemes making my nights long making my solitary unbearable
you come and go as you please every time you leave, everything dies. every time you disappear, everything falls.
but that despite all that, i still find myself anticipating for your return i still need the warmth of your embrace i still beg for more time with you i still want you to stay. oh summer, what is it with you? Summer May 14/17 | 7:06 AM artwork by: Alina Malykhina

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her petals showed love, passion and beauty her thorns showed pain, trepidation and unattainability
She Was A Rose May 12/17 | 4:04 AM disclaimer: artwork not mine
You’re Almost There May 12/17 | 4:56 AM Honey, don’t look back. Remember why he left. You’ve come this far and I know it wasn’t easy. You’ve experienced what you had to experience because you deserve a better place. A place far from pain disguised in three captivating words, two eyes and one person. Remind yourself that you did not fall only to go back into his slippery arms. Breathe. Trust that what awaits in the future is so much better than what you had. You, my dear, will be happy again.
Don’t worry. You’re almost there. artwork by: Meredith Marsone
this tree saw me begin when i was young with a spirit as vibrant as its growing leaves
this tree saw me grow up when I explored its wild branches and enjoy its sweet fruits
this tree saw me make memories when I had cuts and bruises for having too much fun this tree saw me dream when I sang my lungs out together with the breeze it made this tree saw me leave when I left home to chase my heart this tree saw me break the same way it did when storms hit hard this tree saw me lose when thoughts consumed me and I lost myself this tree saw me come back the way it did when it bloomed dreaming and hoping once again this tree saw me this tree was me This Tree May 9/17 | 12:52 AM photo taken: May 6, 2017 | 4:43 PM at Cogon, Bogo City, Cebu
I Look For Home May 7/17 | 10:09 PM
They say home is where we feel safe, comfortable and familiar. I didn’t know right away that I was constantly looking for these feelings from people.
Maybe that’s the reason why I easily get attached to people who give me the same feeling when I smell mom’s cooking, when people call me by my childhood nickname, when I use my favorite and slightly overused blanket, when I see the tree I used to climb on as a kid, or when I see the sky in my hometown.
I don’t always look first for great qualities in people. I look for familiarity. I look for home.
artwork by: Jarek Puczel
What’s Next? May 5/17 | 5:24 AM
I have a lot of thoughts right now. And it’s mostly confusion. It has been two days since the Bar Examination results were posted and until now, it still got me contemplating about what I want to do in the future. What’s next? What’s your plan, Phya? What do you want to do in life? Even during the first few months of my senior year, I was already asking myself these questions. I was clueless af. I shrug these questions off because answering always made me feel anxious. I had the mindset that there’s always another time to contemplate about my future and because of that, these questions remained unanswered for how many months.
After weeks of isolation and a lot of thinking, I have decided that I will give myself three years before I proceed to law. This is the only thing I am sure of, ok. I’m still confused about what to do in the upcoming months.
I’m giving myself three years to work, travel and do all things I want, and if I still find myself unsatisfied, then law school it is. It has always been my dream to become a lawyer but I’m not really sure if it’s something I am good at or I am passionate about right now. I think that not everyone can become lawyers no matter how much hard work and effort they exert. The profession is just not for everyone. I also don’t want to conform to the pressures that people are giving me. I don’t want to go to law school because I am expected to do such or everyone else is doing such. If I go to law school, it should be because it’s something I genuinely want.
So here’s to my future self! I want you to know that you were once confused. And that’s okay! Because that only means I care about you and that I’m doing everything I can to make you happy. Although my future might not turn out as planned, I am still proud of you. I trust you that you will become exactly who you want and need to be. Carry on!
disclaimer: artwork not mine

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Funeral April 25/17 | 3:04 AM
kill me with the absence of your words, wrap me in a blanket of regrets.
cover me with utter darkness, bury me deep into your mind’s untouched hole.
or ignite me until my lights burn out then comfort me with the coldness of your soul. pour my ashes to nothingness. say goodbye to a story unheard.
- pnb
An Open Letter to the Mayor of Cebu (Written: February 16/16) March 31/17 | 9:18 PM
Dear Mayor,
I am a third year Political Science Major from the University of San Carlos and in this letter, I am uncovering my daily experiences as a citizen of Cebu City.
I’m from Bulacao and the place used to be so tranquil at 6:30 in the morning. When you walk along the streets, you will be able to appreciate the morning breeze, the smell of fresh air and the sun’s morning glow. It used to be a place worth waking up early for. But right now, as you can see, Sir, the streets are all astir. You can hear the people breathing anxiously, walking with heavy steps, complaining about the scarcity of jeepneys. I, Sir, am one of them. The challenging part of my school mornings is when people compete for 10F jeepneys. This tests our strength, flexibility, patience and our ability to strategize. The feeling right after you get to ride and take a comfortable seat is deeply satisfying, however, the agony does not actually end once you have already taken your seat. Traffic congestion awaits and accompanies you for about 30-40 minutes. What I usually do to kill time is study inside the jeepney but right now, as I have mentioned above, I would like to share to you my thoughts about Cebu City.
The city is becoming more urbanized than ever. One need not to ask Google or read the news to be aware. It is seen and felt everywhere, one only needs to observe. In my Economic Development class, I learned that urbanization results to the influx of masses which also results to the traffic congestion in the city. Sir, traffic jam is probably one of the most obvious and most talked about problem here in Cebu. People would say that this is caused by how limiting the roads are. You see, Sir, I don’t think that is the problem. Because no matter how wide the road is, if the number of vehicles are more than the road’s capacity, congestion will still occur. I’m not a traffic engineer, Sir, but I have thoughts on how this can be solved. First, lessen the number of vehicles. Encourage companies to provide public transports for their employees so that there will be lesser private and public vehicles. Schools and universities should provide car pools for students. By that time these are done, building of flyovers, widening of roads, segregating of lanes, removing of unnecessary U-Turn lanes, stops and roadside parking, and upgrading to trains, buses, boats and other modes of transportation should be next.
This time, I want you to look outside the jeepney. Observe, Sir. Another problem in the city that needs to be addressed by the government, is the lack of proper implementation of clean and green projects. I have learned from my Comparative Politics in Developing Countries class about the importance of making development sustainable. Indeed, we cannot separate ourselves from the environment. It is true that the government provides various environmental projects, however, the implementation of these need careful assessment. For example, we practice segregation in our neighborhood, but garbage collectors throw them all together at one place in the end. People do tree-planting programs, but they tend to forget that trees need maintenance in order to grow. They plant and just let these trees and plants grow by themselves. I am just saying, Sir, that no matter how splendid and promising the projects are, if the implementation is not good, then the projects are as good as nothing.
On another note, do you hear those kids singing “Mga Ate, Kuya” Sir? Another obvious problem in Cebu is poverty and education. Just like these kids, some children are forced to work at an early age when supposedly they should be at school. It cannot be denied that eradicating or, at least, reducing poverty is not an easy task. There can be no fixed list of solutions to this. One thing that I really want to stress out in this issue, Sir, is the role of education. The government should not only settle in giving feeding programs or financial assistance. It should focus on long-term solutions such as giving vocational job training and career-oriented programs to the people. Indeed, I believe in the saying by Lao Tzu, “Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for a life.”
Lastly, sir, I want you to look at that pickpocketer in front of us. Look at how he’s just so relaxed while stealing other people’s things. My point here, Sir, is that the city is experiencing a tremendous amount of crime the past months. I heard from news that our crime rate is increasing. Crime in Cebu City varies from a simple pickpocketing to stealing, drug syndicate, murder and rape. Crime happens anywhere, anytime! I am also pertaining to corrupt officials when I mentioned pickpocketer. Corruption in the city does not only involve malversation of public funds, it also includes under-the-table transactions, patronage politics, political dynasties, and so on. I, myself, have witnessed this, Sir, and right now I fear that the list of forms of crime and corruption contains more than the list of possible answers to stop this. Sir, please do make Cebu a safe place. By safe, I do not only mean the feeling of security when we ride jeepneys or when we go to public places, I also mean the feeling of safety knowing that the government is trustworthy, accountable and transparent to its constituents.
Sir, these are my every day experiences that sometimes the government fail to notice. I want to point out in this letter the importance of going back to the basics and giving attention to small details. I observe that if politicians are posed with questions like what is to be done in the city, they give vague answers. They sometimes fail or deny to see the tiny particles that are keeping the society from achieving progress. I suggest, Sir, that you start the progress from the different barangays, the smallest administrative division. And from that, you build up. A little goes a long way.
As the highest ranking official in the city, I know you can influence people. Help me convince, sir, especially the youth, that they can do something. Empower them and make them engage in the betterment of the society by setting up youth-oriented programs. Do not forsake their role in the endeavors of the government because they will soon govern the city in the future. Most of all, influence people that instead of judging the youth, tell them that they are the hope.
I know your job is not easy, Sir. I just hope you will do your best because people of Cebu are counting on you. Like this trip we are taking right now, achieving development and removing societal, environmental, economic and political problems in Cebu will be a long and tiring journey. But I’m still hoping we’re near our destination, Sir. I hope we’re close to having a better Cebu and a better life.
Thank you for reading this, Sir. Good luck.
Sincerely,
Phya N. Barrientos ABPOSC-IRFS-3
disclaimer: artwork not mine
To My Parents Who Love Me Despite My Depression and Anxiety March 12/17 | 8:43 PM
I’m sorry.
You did your best as parents, therefore, you deserve a daughter who gives you the best in the world. And I’m so sorry I can’t be that daughter. I wish I was capable of giving you everything you deserve. I wish I was that daughter who cooks you meals, goes with you at the church, gives you massages, spoils you with gifts, texts you I love you and talks to you about life. But instead, I’m that daughter who ignores the food you prepare, complains about your requests, criticizes most of your decisions, and nags to you about the inadequacies of life. I’m so sorry I’m such a pain in the ass.
Ma and Pa, I’m struggling every day. I hope you understand that I’m facing depression and anxiety and it’s not easy at all. I see life different from how you guys perceive it. I want you to know that every time you guys cook a delicious meal and I don’t eat it, it’s not because I don’t appreciate it. It’s just because I’m too sad to eat. When I lock myself inside my room and refuse to talk to you, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk to you. Sometimes, I just want to spend time alone with my thoughts. During family gatherings, I don’t go with you not because I don’t like our family. I just can’t be emotionally and mentally present sometimes. Those are just some of the battles I fight every day. If only I can give you a detailed and definite answer every time you ask me what’s wrong with me then I would tell you. I just don’t understand myself Ma & Pa. I wish I could fight this battle with you but I know you guys are going old and are going through hurdles in life as well.
Despite my lapses, I can see that you guys try to understand. Although I am incapable of giving the love you deserve, you two stayed and still tried to show me selfless love every day. For that, I am forever thankful. I want you to know that your love inspires me in so many ways. You both will always be my hope and reason why I try to be strong and better every day.
Thank you and I love you!
disclaimer: artwork not mine
“Lilac Daydream” 24 x 30 | Acrylic Painting
I usually daydream in the afternoon when my mind’s idle or when I’m about to take a nap. Most of my daydreams are sceneries or landscapes that I haven’t been to and seen. Lilac Daydream is one of them which I dreamed about a couple of times. When I dream of this, the flowers are purple, the river is static, the sky creates beautiful gradual changes of color, and the gushing wind creates a calming sound.
I don’t really know the relation of this vision to my life, but I don’t bother to know anyway. I am just forever in awe with its magnificence and beauty and I’m sharing it to everyone through this painting.
“I’m Okay” February 17/17 | 11:02 PM
Hey. Giving you short answers like “I’m okay” every time you ask me how I’m doing doesn’t mean I don’t feel like talking to you. The truth is... I’m not okay and I have no idea how to say it to you. I appreciate that you care. I really do. It’s just that I sometimes find it difficult and exhausting to describe how I really feel inside. But in case you still want to know, here’s how I really feel.
1. When I say I’m okay, it means I’m still functioning as a human being (at least). I can still socialize. I can still smile, make jokes and laugh at other people’s business. I can still perform my tasks both at home and school. The normal stuff. But to be honest, I really feel heavy most of the time. I feel like somebody from the ground is dragging me down. I hope you understand that when this feeling hits me, I am reluctant to talk or do anything. It feels like it takes everything in me to do even the simplest things such as talking, sitting, tying my hair and checking my phone.
2. I also feel like there’s always something to be worried about. Sometimes, I won’t go out of the house/school alone because I’m scared of meeting people. I stutter a lot when I speak in front of people because I worry too much about what they think about me. I can’t sleep at night because I think of all the things I did and said to people during the day. I feel the need to always do something because I’m not comfortable with being idle. I also feel that I’m always missing something. I feel restless.
3. Aside from the heavy feeling, I also feel cold. It feels ice is constantly poured over me. You know that feeling when you’re about to take a cold shower early in the morning? You shiver, you get goosebumps, your muscles harden and your jaw clenches? And in addition, your hands get sweaty and shaky, your stomach flips, your toes harden and you eventually forget how to breathe. This is how I feel. This is the reason why I randomly ask for hugs or anything physically warm. It’s an effective but temporary remedy.
4. In my head there lives an enemy who constantly challenges me. This “person” in my head is always ready to react on triggers and if there’s none, she makes one. She’ll try to associate everything, even the smallest matters, to my awful past and insecurities, and she becomes unstoppable. She just appears out of nowhere and doesn’t give me a warning sign. This person is strongest when I’m alone, most especially when I go to sleep and when I wake up in the morning.
5. If I’m happy, I try hard to maintain it because I know at any moment, sadness will sweep itself in. No, it doesn’t mean that my happiness isn’t genuine. I do feel happy when I’m happy. It just becomes difficult for me to stay happy for a long period of time.
6. I cry a lot and I hope you’re not one of those people who think I shouldn’t cry because it shows weakness. On the contrary, I am actually my strongest during this time. This is the part wherein I’m fighting the battle the hardest. This is my outlet and my way of coping.
I want you to know that I’m trying, okay? That despite all these, I’m still trying to maintain our relationship. I never want to be selfish and I apologize if you ever thought I was. There’s no quick remedy for this and that is why I need your help. All I need from you is patience. I need you to understand why I constantly need your company, why I sometimes tend to isolate myself, why I sometimes bail on our plans, why I can’t do things that I am supposed to do, why I’m so absent-minded sometimes, why I overthink and worry too much, and why I only say “I’m okay” with all these things I am going through. This is not an easy battle at all, but as long as you’re there, I know it will become less difficult.
So the next time you ask me how my day was or how I’m doing in life, I hope “I’m okay” is enough for you. It saves time and an emotional breakdown. But really though, I can’t wait to say it and actually mean it. And I want you to know that if ever that time happens, you’ll be the first to know.
disclaimer: artwork not mine

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Dare.
Dare is not about being a rebel, it’s about being honest to yourself. Dare to have an opinion. Dare to make mistakes. Dare to love. Dare to stand behind your believes. Dare to change. Dare to be different.
@sivan.ka
“T&R” February 12/17 | 8:01 PM
I just finished How I Met Your Mother’s season finale and the same reaction with everybody else, I felt perturbed. At first. I initially thought that the character of the mother was not given due importance. I got frustrated that they only gave her one scene to die when supposedly her death was tragic and momentous to Ted. Isn’t this show supposed to be about her and Ted? I wanted closure. I wanted to feel what Ted felt losing her. It was just so fast-paced and it just didn’t feel right for me.
But after 3 hours of thinking, I thought that if they did the alternate ending (the mother does not die), it wouldn’t have made such an impact on me. It would have been just one of those typical tv show endings wherein everybody’s happy because they got what they wanted. So right now I’m thinking the show ended how it should have ended. And to add, I have always been for team Ted and Robin (biased okay whatever haha). I knew from the beginning that they were really meant for each other. Yes, I do love the mother but it’s really just different with Ted and Robin. It’s just different the way they look at each other, they way they do their private/major jokes and the way they care for each other. It’s really just different.
And then I started thinking that I wanted a love like that. I wanted Ted’s love for Robin. A love so special you just can’t have it with anybody else. And it doesn’t matter who and how many people come into your life because you know it’s really just different with Robin. Really though, where do you get that kind of love?
disclaimer: photo not mine