so i try to stay blind to the fact that i am

because i can't exist

and when i do

i did so much! why can't i sleep?

productivity brings me nothing

i need a product that forces rest

rest my aching soul

and rest my body

i need to halt my consciousness

but i know the consequences i fear

i will weld my teeth together and glue my lips shut

and I don't appreciate it

to a degree that it deserves

or one that I need

running, walking, working

sleeping

in circles

every day

I exhale, but I do not breathe

I cannot see, I only perceive

the taste of stale bread has nested on my tongue

and a familiar dusty itch into my calluses

eating and eating

I carry and shove

my skeletal remains

into a shiny white coffin

my bone turns to dust

that dust turns to soil

maybe now I can smell the slowers

it means that someone can hold you

i don't know anyone that likes being held by me

when I show that I care

maybe it's the lies

from everyone, everywhere?

your eyelids shudder when I ask you how you feel

loaded silence for open wounds

these bastards swim above, beneath and between us

after the final big scene

one to six it said

yet now it's fourteen

if it weren't so nice i would've been over them

if it weren't so painful i could've forgotten

torn between both i clench

do i feel the wound that i carried all year

skin has healed at the edge of the tear

but the hole remains gaping - eight inches deep

it's no wonder my nerves burn

when i hear certain words

my eyes feel dry

i don't know what i seek

i want to fly away - forget it all

that with enough time

a genuine apology can always fix

most of what it broke

but i wouldn't know

i've never received one

people always feel sorry

i can't open my mouth

i can't smile or wink

my face has granite within it

i'm afraid that it will sink in