who i want to be vs who i am

listen. i know having a positive outlook on life is a good thing. i Know that. but if I’m complaining about something that has mildly inconvenienced me and you get all Flower Child Hemp Necklace Life Is Beautiful on me telling me theres no use getting upset about it because it is But A Water Droplet Rolling Off The Back Of This Wondrous Life We Are Privileged Enough To Be Living I’m gonna drop literally everything I’m holding, take off my shoes if they have a 3 inch or higher heel, and I’m gonna engage you in an honest to god physical altercation. look buddy, i know that in the Grand Scheme of Things, my life hasn’t been rendered worthless and brimming with misery just because i spilled a couple drops of my $4 starbucks beverage on my light-colored shirt. I’m well aware of that. but i can’t have you getting all Grand Scheme of Things over everything that happens to anybody because ill freak out on you if you so much as try it. i didn’t spout some choice words at the couple droplets of coffee that had the gall to make a home on my pastel camisole to make some sort of overreaching comment on the quality of my life as a whole. i did it because buddy, Thats What People Do. you think I’m just gonna sit here and pour a cup of coffee in my lap, all the while screaming about how nothing can quite compare with the radiant sunrise each and every one of us are blessed with every morning? fuck you. you know the most beautiful thing about life? the fact that nothing matters. your overenthusiastic optimism doesn’t matter and my tendency to treat minor inconveniences like the End of Days doesn’t matter. now shut the fuck up and get me some napkins

I don’t want to be cold again I tried that and it wasn’t sustainable for me. Reading through coldsuggestion is like intensely painful now. It wasn’t right to be hardened and bitter and carry so much weight and anger for being mistreated it just distorted my world view and made me believe truths of people before giving them a chance. Letting myself fall in love without being jaded and caring about a person without a doubt was a great and beautiful thing for me even if I got hurt. I’m not going to be cold again I’m not going to be the girl writing imposing ideas about the nature of men. I love love and I believe it’s transformative or it was to me. And I love believing. I’m not going to be cold again even if it means trusting and loving and getting hurt I would rather do that over and over again before I would go back to thinking I knew everything.

Fiona Apple in the Nov ‘97 issue of Spin magazine

Current mood

GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE

omg

wow, mami, shawty, wow, damn, shit, you, mami, damn, whoooo, shit.

@eaelocin !

My future