Fragile

Hi. 

It’s been months or a year already that I haven’t written in this secret diary of my lovelife. Kidding. I’m seeing someone. We’ve been together for 8 months already. I’ve been always praying that this is my last. He may not be totally my type but he’s someone I never expected. He came when I wasn’t expecting for anyone. I was busy with my career, my masters degree and busy surviving COVID-19. I can’t really do a story telling right now. I can’t even explain what I feel because I literally miss him. This lockdown and quarantine lovestory I have is something I never imagined but it helped me maybe to become patient with who I am and who I am with. Yes, I’m healing from my past traumas. But, I can get through this because of one reason. I love him. 

I guess, moving on from you is sweeter than falling in love with you all over again. I was totally head over heels. Guess what? Before, I can just ride a bus or van to come to you. Now, I can cross seas, mountains, rivers, just to come to you. Yet, I know you can’t do that for me. I always settle for chances and coincidences life give us. 

Dreamlist101: Come back to Baguio with person I love.

We broke up when I was in college, there were still some times that we tried to work out what we had during the next few years but it really never worked for the both of us. Seriously. Daming involved, daming nameet na mga tao and yes, I gave up on us too. 

He had girlfriends after me for the past few years even had many trials too. Meanwhile, I used my pain to become a better person which led me to where I am now. His experiences were opposite to mine. I never had a boyfriend after him. All of my stories with boys were flings and ghosting stuff. I never really had a serious relationship after him.

To cut the story short, we met again after 8 years. We exchanged smiles, numbers and time again last December 2019. Segway (may sasagutin na sana akong guy, workmate ko, this January 2020, but he changed his mind about me, I don’t know why) and that’s the time my ex went home and we met again. I don’t know why this is very timely. And I don’t know if this was God’s plan, really. This January 2020, we met for a couple of times - spent hours together, exchanged deep conversations, went to various places together, ate meals, and worshipped the Lord together. 

After all the pain we had during our younger years, we met in our 20s. This time, it was a different us - a stronger version (people who went through different trials, learned so much from life). But, we caught ourselves running to the the younger version of us - where life was simple. Struggles never left as we grow old. However, after all the pain, disappointments, frustrations and heartbreaks of the past 8 years,   we still find someone whom we can boldly cry our fears and desires. We realized that, each other is still a HOME. 

2011

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2019

1. Trust no one. Not all who smiles at you is your friend. Sometimes, they are insecure who wants to know how to drag you down or surveillance cameras. 

2. You are not a friend of your “friend”. They are plastics. They just want to show you how good they are. 

3. Every story about  you is none of your business. Dumb people talk about other people’s lives. What they think about you is just their judgement of what they know. You would rather believe who you are,not what others think about you. 

4. You work to live and not live to work. Jobs should be done during your office hours. Do not bring work at home. Your job can easily replace you when you’re gone. However, your family cannot replace you when you vanish from the earth. 

5. Have time to relax. Life is not about work. Learn to rest from the stress too. 

6. Family is your top resort. Never exchange your family to what your co-workers want you to do. Friends & co-workers will pass by our lives, but our families will be with us until the end. 

As you were staying for a week in the hospital, you were able to realize so many things about yourself. Two. Things. 

First, you love your father so much that you can give every peace of electrolytes in your body just to let him live. You have such energy and guts to sacrifice your daily schedule and routine just to be with your dad and mom. Seeing him everyday unconscious makes you know that you cannot still live this life without your father. It was very scary for you to leave the hospital because at any minute, you may lose a father. Hence, this experience taught you to love your father so much that you can give everything that you have for him. 

Second, and lastly, you’re still hurting. You get excited going to the hospital everyday that it seems it was your home. Looking at nurses and doctors makes you sad. You were still regretting for not pursuing what you want and now, you were wishing that you could still have the chance to pursue a healthcare profession. Perhaps, your job gives you so many benefits, and you love your co-workers but you also think that there is no such satisfying thing in this world than to do what you just love. We do not know how will you achieve that desire but staying in the hospital rekindled your desire for this profession. Thus, you were hurting at the same time longing. 

This letter is to tell you that I am not as perfect as you may see. I am not an ideal girl, nor a girlfriend material. This e-letter is to tell you, that I am very sorry for what I did and what I am about to do. 

I am sorry for not being healed completely. I loved only one man in my entire life. I have seen myself cry of betrayal. I have seen how I stopped from crying. However, I never have seen yet myself loving somebody fully just like how I loved the man from my past. I wanted to, but I can’t YET. I am sorry, for I think, I have to love myself first completely. I have to retrieve the love I have lost from giving my all to someone I thought was the one. I am sorry. 

I am sorry for being unsure. Believe it or not, I tried. I tried to move my heart and give you a chance. I imagined  myself what it is to be loved by you. There were so many times that I love the idea of being loved. But, it was just an idea. When I am about to jump, I’m afraid. I am afraid that I may not be enough. I am sorry for my fears and not being able to jump to the risk of loving again. 

I am sorry for the misunderstood actions. I am caught unaware that I have been too sweet that caused you to expect so much from me. I’m sorry. Please know that I have to be gentle to people because that’s what I cannot get from people. 

You have seen me smiling as if I don’t have darkness inside. You may have seen me laugh at times of pain. You may have seen how I show my red/pink lipstick and blush on as if there’s nothing happened. You may have seen it all. But, it’s just a facade.

I smile because I needed to be strong when my anxieties’ killing me inside - of how my self confidence’s shrinks everyday. I laugh to forget my failures, insecurities, imperfections and pains. I wear my make up to cover the tears I shed when I’m alone at night.

I apologize for making you hope that there can be an “us”. I just can’t give it now. Maybe, I’m not really your muse. I have been too good to be true but not really true. I just can’t right now. 

I hope that you - all good guys- can find a good lady that can love you the way you wanted to be loved. It’s all that matters in this world.

Hello tumblr. I’m already 23 years old. Just sneaked a time to visit my only diary. I’m now working at Department of Education. The posts I had before were full of regrets and uncertainty in life. For now, I have a stable job. The one I hated before, became my profession. I can’t say I’m certain of my career path but I’ll just trust God with His plans. I have 24 wonderful students. They are my kids already. They are damn wonderful and sweet. I may have been stressed with how things are going on at work - there are lots of paperworks to do. But, LABAN lang! My kids keep me going. It’s been a long time and I miss writing to you. To more sneaked write ups!