. . .

It is being realized by many that there is no help for anyone. You get call centers, prisons, cops, well meaning loved ones who need less than a second transform into all the above. Hell, what separates those three fundamentally? Almost nothing. And, fine, I feel like there’s too much blood in my body; I’ll text ‘HELP’ at another automated messaging system again. As if I forgot the script. The “For Your Health and Wellness” story is one I’ve had read out to me hundreds of times as a way to legally and morally justify various methods of extermination to a thrivingly extant disease. Shit, sorry, the clinical term is “person”. A genuine threat to the natural order of things in your distress. You are so truly on your own that you cannot be anywhere at all.

It is time to admit that I do not know what is wrong

It does feel specifically horrible have a body that spills out of everything I want to put it in or align it with and despite what peace I can make with not being able to change much or embody something that feels closer to a truth I’ll always have to reckon with feeling that it’s completely unrealistic for it to be desired or loved beyond tolerance or looking past. And alongside that, feeling totally out of place within myself and not recognizing anything about it as “true to a sense of self.” I feel internally warped by my body, on the contrary. I long for a connection with it but find no relation. I would like for it to be okay to be what I am maybe. But it isn’t in any sense at all. Even among those who feel the same.

The problem with waking up at a reasonable hour is that there’s more time in the day to feel really bad

I don’t have a name, but I can repeat some pronouns at you a few times in a sentence to establish a sense of self in relation, if it’s more comfortable.

Lately I’ve been holding still for minutes upon hours laying or sitting unable to focus my eyes while shapes and images and bits of music throw themself uselessly through the veins in my head

I think the interpersonal impulse is complete and utter bullshit and needs to be eliminated. I know what I need and it’s just my own company, in truth. I wish I could have done for me what I’m able to do