uwuuuu

I got an A on that paper.

Writing is a skill. Skill is muscle. If you don't use a muscle, it atrophies. If you are a student and you are tempted to use genAI to cheese an assignment, I am begging you for your own sake to not do it.

This is not a moral stance about genAI (which is shit at what it's ostensibly for, and full of lies and evil, and fueled by art theft and burning rainforests, and there is no good reason to ever use it for anything; that's the moral reason for why you shouldn't use it), it is a purely pragmatic stance based on the fact that if you use it you will never learn the single most essential skill that is used in every single workplace.

You will never learn to bullshit.

And if you cannot bullshit, you will not understand when you are being fed bullshit by others.

For your own sake you must learn to do your own thinking, your own bullshitting, because our trashfire society runs on bullshit and for your own good you must become fluent in it, because very few people will bother to translate it for you. It was asinine in the late 90s, and it is asinine today, but it is the central truth of adult society: everything is bullshit, and you need to know what is going on beneath the bullshit, and you need to be able to bullshit back if necessary.

I know that the expectations being placed on you are ever-increasing, and I know that it does not seem rational to put effort into explaining the plot of a Charles Dickens novel to someone who has read the thing 50 times and will read 50 identical essays about it over the weekend. I know you are being handed ever-greater heaps of what is functionally mindless busywork because of an institutional obsession with metrics that don't actually measure learning in a useful way. High school was nightmarish in the 90s and I am fully aware that it has only gotten worse.

Nevertheless, you must try, if only for your own sake. Curiosity is your best hope, and dogged determination your best weapon. Learn, please, if only out of spite.

I was able to get an A on that paper because I was able to skim the reading, figure out what it was about, and bullshit for 1500 words in the space of 40 minutes.

Unfortunately, what I heard was "read everything BUT The Old Man And The Sea."

Double unfortunately: the first day back was a test, on The Old Man And The Sea. Which I had read exactly zero words of. It was, notably, a short essay test. It wasn't multiple choice or fill in the blank. It was designed to require deliberate answers from scratch, entirely out of your own head, with nothing to go on BUT what was in your head.

And in the course of about 45 minutes, I was able to use the questions of the test itself to piece together a vague enough sense of how the story went to bullshit my way through other questions. I gave wide, thematic answers that were extremely light on details, since I did not know any of them, and did not even know this test would be happening until it was in front of me. An essay test for an AP-level English class.

I had a starting point of zero information, and an essay test about the thing I was supposed to have read.

I bullshitted my way to a B+ on it.

On a test I should have gotten a ZERO on.

It's been 16 years since I took that test.

I couldn't tell you a damn thing about The Old Man And The Sea.

But you better fucking believe I still know how to bullshit, and when someone is trying to bullshit me.

It was a research paper.

I did not do any research.

I bullshitted my way through answering the questions the paper was supposed to answer.

And then I looked through it for what things I had said that required citations by the rules of writing research papers.

And then I googled for sources that agreed with what I had said.

(This, for everyone who's never written a paper without AI assistance, is the reverse order of how you're supposed to do it. You're supposed to read things to find out what they're saying, and use them to inform your answer. Hence, research.)

Then I went on Amazon and looked for books relevant to the subject of the paper, and---so Amazon used to have this feature that would display a few random pages inside the book. I skimmed a few pages from a few books until I found a few details that would fit in with what I was writing. I crafted a few sentences referencing the content I'd selected, and cited the books.

This made it look like I had read the books, as well as the other sources, for my research paper.

Fourteen pages. The minimum was twelve. A boatload of high-quality citations including from relevant books. A set of opinions pulled straight out of my ass and bolstered haphazardly but solidly with chosen supporting evidence.

Two hours.

I got an A on that paper and rode that high for years.

Costume appreciation series: Ever After: A Cinderella Story (1998) dir Andy Tennant

Costume Design by Jenny Beavan

+bonus

I kneel before you not as a prince, but as a man in love. But I would feel like a king if you— Danielle de Barbarac, would be my wife.

Drew Barrymore's "Just Breathe" look in Ever After: A Cinderella Story (1998)