Trying to figure out what's going on is so hard. Am I just a really mentally unwell person with an attachment to William Afton? Am I a fiction kin of him? Do I have DID or OSDD and he's an alter? God forbid I ever try to understand, it never works out.
It's been five years since he first appeared, how he randomly showed up in my brain one day and it's all been him ever since. I changed my name to William because of him, my favourite color became purple because of him, I love bunnies because of him, I look at myself in the mirror but it's not him staring back at me, but why in my mind do I see him looking back anyways? Why am I saying him instead of me? If I truly think I'm him why say he and not I?
But he talks to me, I hear him, he helps, he takes over, he reassures me and I'm not telling myself to say those things in his voice, he's just speaking on his own like he's really there.
I remember the house, I remember it so well, and it pains me that I'll never be there again, I remember all the bedrooms. I don't remember the car or the drive to the house but I know it's mine. I miss my kids, I want to hold them but they just aren't there, I want them to know that they're okay, that their dad is there, but I'm not, am I? Who am I even trying to be.
I miss Henry, I think about him often. I miss hands, how they used to hold me, how he'd say things to me, he was lovely. And I know I'll never see him again, it hurts, I just sob, it's all I can do. If he's not here what am I meant to do, how can I live knowing that I'm never going to be with him again? It got so bad to a point where I was thinking about drinking, I just needed a way to numb it all.
There's a Henry in my head but it's not him, he's not my Henry. He looks different, he acts different, he's from an entirely different time period that I am from, one that I can't even think about or my head begins to ache. He doesn't even like me, he refuses to speak with me if I'm there, none of us have even heard from him in a while. God, it hurts to even think of an 'us' a 'we' but I know there's a we.
And why would I need to fake this? I didn't even know what DID or OSDD was when the symptoms started appearing, it was just noise, loud noise, distress, my memory blocks a lot of it out. I don't even know if William was the first those years ago or if there has always been others and William was just the first one to be overly present.
He has specifics, a full name, a height, an age, that I didn't come up with it was just *Poof here's William Afton.*
I get so upset if people don't call me William Afton, I wanted it so bad that a began to roleplay as him 4 years ago, they always called me William Afton, Mr Afton, Will, even to this day it's the same, it's all I ever wanted. Whenever I see another William I get angry because I'm the only William, I'm the real one, they don't get it like I do.
All of this got so bad that I lost a friend, all the voices and the forgetting, the blocking out caused me to forget that they existed.
I aplogise, I just needed to get this all out.
