My Crazy Story

There are two motivations for people to be in a relationship:

People who are in a relationship because they love their partner

People who are in a relationship because they fear their partner abandoning them

Needless to say, the people with the latter motivation create toxic relationships by default. They're not motivated by feelings of love and they feel no motivation to show love. They will not do anything to nurture the relationship; doing only the bare minimum needed to sustain it. Their words and actions don't align. They are devious enough to talk the talk, and placate their partner with words, but when it come to actually showing through concrete action they will fail (if they attempt at all).

Additionally, the dynamic they create within the relationship is extremely toxic. They teach their partner through their own inaction that the only way to get their attention or spur them to action is to threaten (or actually) abandon them. When you have one foot already out the door, they will muster up all the willpower that had previously been missing.

When I was researching Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), one of the odd things I discovered was how it overlaps Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD). Maybe not a large overlap, but still enough to cause me to raise an eyebrow.

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Most people have a Public life and a Private life. I suppose if you'd like you can equate those also to Persona and (true) Self. It's very natural for us to have a Public and a Personal life. We understand that we can't walk around naked in public nor exclaim unpopular opinions without being severely judged by our peers. The Public/Private divide allows us to function an an effective and stable way with other people.

Now, let me create a hypothetical example of a person with BPD named Felicia. Felicia has a Public persona she's created for her work at the Accounting office. This Persona allows her to function productively with her coworkers. She forms a close friendship with a friend from the office and they get coffee together. Her friend Linda shares things private to her life, and Felicia, in turn, shares private facts with her friend.

But Felicia also has her college friend-group of 10 alumni. Once a week they get together at the bar and play trivia. Felicia has created a specific Persona for her college friend-group that is different from her office Persona. Amongst her college-friends is her old roommate, Tiffani. After the 10 of them meet at the bar, Felicia and Tiffany are walking to the parking lot. Tiffany confides in Felicia something private to her. Felicia does the same, but shares a private fact about herself that she has kept secret from her Office coworkers, from her office-friend Linda, and secret from her other college friends.

Felicia has now constructed 2 separate public Personas and 2 separate private selves.

Over the past year, Felicia has started a relationship with a guy named Jim. When the two of them are out in public, at restaurants, clubs, museums, Felicia has created public Persona for him. And when the two are alone in her apartment, she has created a specific Self for Jim. In private, Felicia shares secrets with Jim that she would never tell Tiffany or Linda. Additionally, Linda has heard secrets that Jim and Tiffany will never hear.

Felicia has now constructed 3 separate public Personas and 3 separate private Selves.

Not only does she wear 6 different masks, but she has to work hard to make sure she compartmentalizes her 3 private selves and the secrets that only each has heard.

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I don't think I agree with the common definition of "cheating" regarding what the crux of the violation is. Sadly, we are still held down by our puritanical roots in ways we're not aware of. When someone says "my spouse cheated on me", they immediately think that sex out of marriage is the violation. That's certainly an aspect of the cheating but I don't think it's the main one.

Infidelity. Breaking one's vows. Breaking a promise made to your partner. Breaking an agreement with your partner.

Unfaithful. Not being loyal to your partner. Not giving consideration to your partner and their feelings. Breaking a promise made to your partner.

While having sex with another person is often the act given as an example of cheating, I think it's the deception that happens before and after that is the true damage. First, the person has effectively lied by making a promise they either couldn't or wouldn't keep. Secondly, they person has effectively lied by expecting their partner to uphold their promises while not showing reciprocity in doing so. Thirdly, they lied by choosing not to have a conversation with their partner to disclose their desire or temptation to break the promise made. All of those effectively took place before the physical act.

Then there's the deception that usually happens in preparation for the physical act; secretive messages, secret conversations, secret plans, secret locations and times. After the act, the deception of continuing to lie to your partner by not disclosing what has happened. The deception of hiding proof, deleting messages, manufacturing cover stories and excuses. The continued lies about where they were, who they were with. And the compounded lie of withholding the truth of what happened every additional day, week, month, and year.

The physical act of "cheating" is nothing more than a point in time. The lies and deception that happened before and after are what are far more damaging.

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An contrary example may be helpful to understand my point. Say I am in a relationship with you. I decide one day that I want to have sex with my coworker. I immediately contact you via text, phone, or in person. I tell you directly, "I know I made a promise to be committed to you but that is not something that I can do right now. I am making the choice to leave this committed relationship. What you decide to do is up to you. But I am going to have sex with another person but I couldn't live with myself if I cheated on anyone."

The much maligned "nice guy". I think the phrase means two completely different things to men and women. Either way, as a guy my only concern with that phrase is, How is this perceived to be unattractive?

An example I heard recently really hit home and I've been mulling over it for the past few days.

Nice guys are (as perceived) not assertive. Instead of communicating directly what they want, they instead:

complain

criticize

judge

act passive-aggressive

sulk

All of which are perceived as being unattractive (and not masculine if we're adding that perspective).

Not-Nice guys instead of being reactive, they:

state their wants/needs/standards clearly and concisely

assert themselves

are their own advocate

They are also outcome-independent, in that they understand that stating their needs/wants is not a demand. Their partner may disagree or ignore them. At that point the not-nice guy has a choice to restate their needs/wants or leave the relationship. But complaining about their needs not being met is not an option.

I'd be remiss without adding that Not-Nice guys also:

set clear boundaries

always enforce boundaries

While driving a few days ago I had a moment of clarity and realized that there are actually 2 different styles of relationships that I've been conflating...and has caused me a lot of confusion.

The first style, I'll call the "Relationship of Connection" is what I would call your traditional long-term committed relationship. The main theme in this relationship is connection between two people and built by different things but predominantly intimacy in all its forms.

The second style, I'll call the "Relationship of Attraction". I also call this the "Relationship of 2026" because it seems this is the preferred style for most people in this era. The main theme of this relationship is attraction, and usually built by maintaining the tension and the distance between two people.

Relationship of Attraction

Partners remain fully independent, not interdependent

See each other once a week. No more than twice.

Acknowledgement over empathy. Hold space for the other's feelings but remain separate.

Ownership over support. You fight your struggles, they fight theirs.

Present over future. No discussion of the future together.

You build a life and goals that are separate from the other.

Self-respect (over compromise) to build desire

Relationship of Connection

Partners are interdependent, not independent, not codependent.

See each other multiple times a week to build connection.

Empathy, reassure partner they're not alone.

Support each other. We will fight as a team.

Future plans. Discussion of what the relationship will be in the future.

We, not I, will build a life together. Shared goals.

Intimacy and empathy to build connection.

My confusion is that I've been taught (?) only the relationship of connection for so many years that I assumed it was the only form of a relationship and what others wanted also. I've only realized now that in 2026 that is the rarity. The vast majority of people don't want a relationship that builds a future together. The vast majority of people want what I used to call "Mr. Saturday Night": I pick up my partner on Saturday night, we have dinner, maybe see a movie, go dancing, come home and have great sex, and then do not see each other for 6 days. Rinse and Repeat.

The differences in those types of relationships goes much deeper than I originally thought. So much of the "attraction" type is built on hyper-individualization to the point that not even empathy or support is given, only acknowledgement. (Such as statements like "I can see that really hurt to be told your mom died today") The driving idea that, as the saying goes, "Distance builds desire". Not just distance of physically seeing each other only once a week, but a distance of emotional connection.

Today was rough. One of my friends is on their literal deathbed with a terrible infection. They expect to only live a while longer.

Additionally I received the news that my cat has a heart condition and will need to take more medicine. My cat will need a EKG to help determine the nature of the heart condition.

A phrase I've always used in my relationship is "this is going off the rails". I've used this to express that I'm seeing the relationship veer off from what I feel was agreed upon or what is healthy.

But lately I've wondered if something is wrong with me and how I perceive relationships because I realized that I've used this phrase in every relationship I've ever been in.

An example that comes to mind is my relationship with J. When we started seeing each other we had sex every time we saw each other, which was 3-4 times a week. Other activities included going to dancing at the club and seeing concerts.

A few years later and our sex life had been cut in half, down to 1-2 times a week and we weren't dancing as much. Concerned, I told J that I felt our relationship had "gone off the rails" and that I'd like us to discuss and make sure we're on the same page. We had an uncomfortable discussion but in the end we both agreed that sex 1-2 times a week was good and we'd go dancing 2x a week.

A few months after that our sex life is down to once every 1-2 weeks, and I'm going dancing and to concerts by myself. Confused, as we had both agreed to what we wanted, I sat J down to express how the relationship had "gone off the rails".

Please don't get hung-up on the particular example. It's just an example. The point is that I go through life assuming:

It's healthy to have discussions in relationships around needs/wants

It's healthy to understand each other's needs/wants and work to meet them; sometimes by finding a middleground.

It's healthy to set expecations in the relationship

It's healthy to assume that when a partner agrees to something, they can be trusted

Am I naïve? Am I being an idiot? I thought these type of things were normal parts of a healthy relationship.

Ignoring everything I've been told and only looking at behavior, I see this instead:

Discussing needs/wants is pointless

Needs/wants are 100% personal and responsible for being met by the person--by any means necessary

Expectations only lead to disappointment

A partner's words cannot be trusted. They will do what they want.

Without going into detail, I've had two partners in my previous long term relationships tell me directly that meeting my sexual needs is my responsibility and it's better for me to cheat on them than to try to discuss the issue with them.

Extreme examples to be sure, but examples nonetheless.

Taking a step back from everything, what's the correct course of action? I feel like my partners keep showing me that relationships are like rivers...always twisting and turning in different directions, sometimes moving swiftly, sometimes slowly. And that I should just STFU and float down river.

But if they are the ones defining the riverbanks, where the river is headed and how fast, then aren't they simply making sure things don't "go off the rails" from their perspective?

I stumbled across the most wonderful phrase: Future Fading. I make a lot of videos on Narcissistic Abuse, and this was in a video I came across discussing indicators of cheating (or about to cheat). First some background.

Future Faking. This is a term used to describe the manipulation tactic narcissists will use early on in a relationship once things become a little bumpy. The tactic involves redirecting the victims attention away from the present and towards the future by saying things like, "Won't it be nice when we live together?", "What neighborhood do you think we'll live in?", "It will be so wonderful to travel the world with you after we're married!" etc. The narcissist floods the victim with false promises--usually the exact future the victim has mentioned they'd love to have. It's a dream come true! (Only it will never come true.)

Future Fading explained. This is a term to describe statements made before cheating (or after cheating on your partner has begun). In a healthy committed relationship, both partners will use phrasing like "We will have so much fun on vacation this summer!" or "Where do you want us to visit after graduation?" or "We should go camping soon!" or "We need to discuss where we want to move next year!" Notice the plural: we, we, us, us. This is natural as a healthy partner is picturing the future with their partner.

Future Fading example. What can happen is that a person who is happy in the relationship will continue using "We" and "Us". But as a person drifts away, their subconscious mind has already begun checking out. So when they picture their future, it doesn't include their current partner, it only includes themselves. So "Future Fading" would be when a partner says "I am looking forward to traveling this summer" or "I really need to look at apartments to move to" or "I need to decide what city to transfer to" or "I need to make a trip to the museum; I want to see that new exhibit". I, I, I, I.

Just after midnight on 12/31/2022 I was assaulted by my girlfriend while I was driving in heavy traffic during a snowstorm. I had just told her I was leaving the relationship. Her reaction was to sucker-punch me in the face while I was I was steering the car down the road, shattering my glasses, sending my lenses flying. I tried to drive, the road blurry, blood streaming down my stinging face, dripping upon my shirt.

That and the aftermath is a long, twisted story. I've told it so many times I bore myself event thinking about it.

The day before though is a story I've shared a few times with people and their response has been...unsettling.

12/30/2022 - I'm still in a relationship with J. I'm at her townhome at night. We just finished eating pizza and watching a Neil Gaiman tv series that aired on BBC. The night is winding down and I'm thinking I should get my coat and head home. I stand up from the couch, return my empty plate to the kitchen. J grabs her iPad and asks me to sit down on the couch next to her. I'm not in a rush so I walk back to the couch and sit down.

"I want to look at engagement rings with you," she says as she turns on the iPad and brings up the website for the boutique jeweler that she adores. She sits closer to me so our bodies are touching, practically leaning upon each other. "What do you think of these?" she asks as she pulls up a photo of two white-gold rings with purple Amethysts centered in them, skeletons embraced on either side. "Oh, I like this one!" she says, pointing to a photo of a translucent coffin made of yellow Citrine, the loving skeletons intertwined within the coffin.

I know what she's doing. I've been with her for 4 years and I've learned her games, her tricks. Love-bombing, intermittent reinforcement, and what she's doing right now: future-faking. Our relationship is near death, on life-support. She is a ghost, a specter, a fluttering image of the woman that used to love me. There's no substance to her. Her words are hollow, without weight. She can sense that I've figured her out and her game. She can sense that I have one foot out the door. She no longer loves me but goddamn does she love feeling she owns me. She will do anything to keep me. Everything but love me. So she does the next best thing: pretend we have a future together. Pretend that she'll love me again...in the future.

She doesn't want me thinking about how terrible things are now. She knows she can no longer control me. She needs me to change my focus from the present to the future. A make-believe future that she paints in the air with words and photos of engagement rings she has no intention of ever wearing.

She moves her finger across the iPad and another beautiful photo comes up. When she asks me which one I like, I deflect, "I don't know. Which one do you like?" Narcissists love to hear themselves talk. She excitedly lists out what she likes about each one and says she'll have to think about them tonight and decide which she likes best.

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Even at my age I am surprised that I still so many women completely clueless as to what men want. Though, this is 2026 and if I were to ask most women what men want they'd reply, "I don't give a fuck".

But even among those few women still in the dating pool, there seems to be a willful ignorance or extreme confusion as to what men want. One of the most bizarre examples that I've seen in dating profiles and heard from women is their belief that men "want a challenge" and men "like to play games" and enough drama to keep a man interested. I think I can say with confidence this is literally the last thing a man wants.

One of my favorite memes is one where God tells this confused woman, "Be his peace not his pain". But I fear it's one of those memes where every guy will see this and think, "Yes!" and most women will see it and say, "Nope" or simply ignore the message altogether.

I do want to focus on this for a moment though. The words chosen were done very carefully. Be his PEACE. Be his safe place, his quiet place, his place of comfort and stability. There is a reason why the stereotype of the "hag" or "harpy" exists. It is the antithesis of the good woman. The "harpy" nags him, she disrupts his peace and quiet, she is judgmental, she is bossy, she is confrontational, she tears him down instead of building him up, she destroys his confidence, she points out his shortcomings, she does all she can to withhold him from achieving his dreams and goals, she ridicules him, she berates him, she wears him down.

It's a very specific type of person, the Harpy. Now please imagine the "good woman" that's the complete opposite: she compliments him, she builds him up, she gives him peace, gives him quiet, gives him stability, she gives him support, she cheers him on, she points out his good traits, she encourages good/healthy behavior, she helps him find his confidence, she celebrates his achievements, she wants to see her man succeed, she wants to see her man happy and fulfilled.

I can't speak for everyone, I've only lived my own life. I've never met a "good woman". Maybe they exist, maybe they don't. I have no idea. I've had my experiences with harpies, and thankfully have enough self-respect to quickly leave them. And I've had experiences with women that would occasionally cheer me on, that would support me--if there was some end benefit to them. My point in sharing this fact is that while I don't know if a "good woman" exists, I can say that the vast majority of men would move heaven and earth for one if she was with him.

Which, circling back to my original point, is why I went down this path. I feel that women are not doing themselves any favors by remaining oblivious to what men want. They may not be a "good woman" themselves, but they should at least understand that men find a supportive woman to be extremely attractive (and they know how rare they are). A simple compliment here and there. An occasional offer to help. Being supportive instead of silent. It doesn't require any sacrifice and only a minimal amount of effort. A woman who did even those small things would stick out, head and shoulders, above the competition.

I really hate social media. I often think about leaving it altogether, and have a few times. While I think it can be beneficial to be exposed to different perspectives, I don't think it's beneficial to be bombarded with negativity, PsyOps, and psychological abuse.

I am a man. Just that fact is enough to make some women hate me. Women I've never met. Women who don't know me. Women who don't know my circumstances or my life experiences. Just the fact I'm a man somehow makes me evil or malicious or something...

Conversely, I'll see these same women praise motherhood. "Nothing in the universe is as nurturing as a mother" I once read. Immediately I thought of my own mother, who abused me to such an horrifying extent it's not appropriate for me to even describe here. The same mother who left the family and divorced my father. We didn't even know where she was for the subsequent 3 years and she only had brief contact with a sister in another state.

Or my own (ex) wife, who would book hotels for the weekend and schedule back-to-back Tinder dates while I stayed home with our kids. The same woman who kicked her own son out of the house at 1 am when he was a minor (which was illegal for multiple reasons). (My son called me crying in the middle of the night to pick him up across town.) The woman who kicked both her kids out of the house once the child support ended, and moved into a one-bedroom apartment so that they couldn't stay with her even if they needed to.

I won't go through the list of sacrifices I've made for my kids, but there have been periods where I worked 3 and 4 full-time jobs to support them and give them the life and stability I felt they deserve.