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@pgriver
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So itâs true, totally true that they didnât know each other beforehand. Gowonâs eyes fixate on the male the entire time as she observes his genuine reactions to the edited selfie of them. Itâs good to know that they didnât get high or got caught in some sort of mischief together that caused a memory loss andâ good news, she doesnât have amnesia! Oh, dear god. The female idol relaxes her tense muscles but the circumstances have yet to allow her to breathe. Shame. Shame. Shame. She wishes she could dig a hole on the ground, jump in the pit and never, ever, ever come up to the surface again.Â
When he told her not to feel embarrassed earlier, she didnât. And now heat rises up in her rosy cheeks, face burning with mortification but she wouldnât admit any of that to him. The blonde awkwardly ( and obediently ) hands him her phone, at this point doesnât even dare to make eye contact with the man anymore. For an instance, she looks like a kindergarten child being forced to hand over her favorite toy. âThank youâŚâ Her voice soft and tiny as she receives the phone from him, then hearing his suggestion to take a real one together.Â
âBut I donât want to take a selfie with you.â And she realizes how she sounded. âWait, thatâs now what I meantââ The blonde shakes her head in denial of what she just said, when will she stop making herself look like a joke in front of everyone? âI mean, ah, you probably think Iâm a weirdo and hate me so much right now, sunbaenim.â Now sheâs being formal.Â
River laughs. âIf you donât, then you donât.â Aurora, Suran, Rey... thatâs almost half. Who else? He has his share of friends by now, but whatâs one more? Suran, if she texts back. Maybe you some other time.
Hate is as strong of a word as it is a feeling, reserved for... well, not this. This one overthinks but he canât say he doesnât know where sheâs coming from. âBut no, not really.â No, youâre not a weirdo. No, I donât hate you. I barely know you, but like... âItâs been a long day for both of us, right?â Keeping his distance now, he lingers in his own silence. Itâs not a friendly one they share, but it doesnât have to be the last, either. Overthinking isnât really his thing when heâs tired so he leaves it at that.
Deep breath. He bows his head out of courtesy, patting her shoulder before finding a place to hide for the next ten minutes and catch some zzzâs free of judgment. âSee you around.â Maybe youâll know her name, then.
They never warn you how hot these masks are. Not the sexy kind unless youâre the type to use and honor that term ironically, in which yeah, maybe, then. They also never tell you how unnerving it is to find one or two of the same damned people everywhere you go whether itâs for business or pleasure. Front row, too? You know a fan when you see one, hence the undivided focus on the judging panel all throughout the elimination round. How far theyâll go for you to look at them is above you. Every bit of this marketing tactic from start to finish, really.
Zircon has drilled, Zircon drills it, Zircon will drill it into you that this is especially crucial, that timing is everything and more. Weâll throw you under the bus, so thereâs no excuse to be a deer in the headlights. Because deer donât know. Thatâs the difference between you and them. One.
The showâs staff assign you the mask of a stag on the day of the final rehearsal. But youâd already known it would come to this.
The cold shoulder only conjures up an even colder wave of indifference from her end. What wouldâve royally pissed Rachel off ten years ago doesnât, but the impact of such details is lost with ill timing. You change now, and so what? Why not then? Questions worth an ounce of consideration if not all of it.
Only sheâs not seeking that kind of scrutiny, not here. Just an answer that goes unsaid as River carries out the pause just as deliberately as he denies her the satisfaction of his visible disbelief. A familiar face brushes by their table which she waves too in the meantime, warm smiles aplenty before they go out the door. The ping! of another notification cuts through the pleasant din of the restaurant, but she holds off on it, tapping against the glass with a hum.
And then, there it is.Â
âNo point in staying when you donât have to.â Phoneâs back out, with milliseconds for River to catch the exchange on her screen before itâs swiped to the camera app. âExtra wide now: 1, 2ââ For confirmation purposes only.
Neither demand goes unheard, but thatâs different than it being understood. Sheâs a breath away from going forward with the former until her mind catches up. Rachelâs brows furrow, baffled. Pulpy red fruitâs a no-go, but with a sudden new exception. O-kay.Â
Her face relaxes, turning to wave the server over. âOrder it yourself.âÂ
âAh, reallyââ Cheese. For Mom, and just Mom. Heâs back to his chair the second after, reaching for Rachelâs cocktail while sheâs mildly distracted. River takes in as much of it as he can before she can grab it away from him without really caring for the mess that follows. Thatâs a Bloody Mary, alright. And it may be red and pulpy and technically fruit, but has Rachel considered that his sudden interest in it all is because heâs sparing his lunch break on her?
The server comes, a glint in her eye upon recognizing him for his worth. River notices, realizing just as quickly that he could use this much to an advantage. Setting the glass down before itâs forced out of his hand, he raises his browsâa greeting. âThree of these for me, please.â For real, he mouths before licking off his tomato mustache. âBut you canât bring them out to me until she promises me my window seat.â River motions to his sister with his thumb and a closed fist, sporting the best little brother pout of his entire life. âNo need to wait for us here, though.â Itâll be a while. âIâll give you the okay when she does.â And then a selfie together, or an autograph, or even a recorded message to her grandmother, whatever. Even a 150% tip!
Once sheâs gone, he clasps his hands together over the table. âPlease. Please, please, please, please, please.â Looks over his shoulder to nod at the nearest waiterâs booth; yes, pressure. âAt least on the way there. You can have it when weâre coming back,â he offers, comprehending a second too late that heâs implying he doesnât mind being on the same flight twice.Â
How the fuck does she do that? Get into his head like that. Every. Single. Time. âTakes one to know oneâ type of crap, huh?

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no doubt on his mind that riverâs dealing with it just fine, but he throws a glance over his shoulder to check anyway: hasnât been run over by a cab and well within reach, nothing that registers as growing signs of heat stroke. fantastic.Â
jisung returns his attention to the storefront, flitting from the red and gold sign to the glimpses of the afternoon bustle through parts of the window pane that havenât been marked by sticker residue and classic cantopop concert posters.Â
âsomething like that.â but houston hadnât been any different in that way.
he walks towards the alleyway between that building and the next, his destination tucked into the first floor of the latter. the keypad blinks at him but he knows better than to try it, instead diving straight for the handle of the garage door and giving it a good yank. trespassing on technical grounds maybe, but uncle jihoonâs never been a stickler for the rules, has he?Â
a tourist at most, river follows. why point to food when thatâs not next on the list? his stomach grumbles, his own hand pushing onto it like itâll help any. frowning, he peeks over jisungâs shoulder on the way to... where then, exactly?
"trespassing...â he notes aloud. âdidnât peg you as the type.â half of a lie. heâs considered the thought of jisung being a rebel before but never to that extent, and this might not be that but itâs still not anything heâs used to either. with jisung proving otherwise in an abandoned garage, however, riverâs curiosity trumps his hunger immediately. somehow heâs not the outlier here, his steps blind but eager into the space.
right on. no interruptions so far. âhello?â
wld like 2 cry plz
to: yuna [ 22:17 ] how much longer until we take these masks off? [ 22:17 ] would obv love to smile or talk out loud but itâs so hard
@pgyuna
(...)
She clumsily pulls out the phone in her pocket, moments of swiping and unlocking, finally holding up her smartphone with the very cursed fan edited selfie of the pair together. Even now when she looks at it, the heck, it just looks so real and well-done! Bewilderment shown on her face as the words stumble out of her mouth. âT-this one?âÂ
Itâs familiar. Not this picture in particular, but this, this spectacle of something thatâs so true to life only to not be. Whoever had edited this one was probably on that side of Twitter (though no oneâs really counting), the selfie impressive enough for River to do a double take. âWow, thatâs amazing.â He feels well beyond his years; all heâd need is a pair of glasses hanging from his neck and silver hair (again). Must be a recent edit considering he and Jisung had exhausted a few tags of fanworks just last month. âYou mind?â he asks, holding his palm open for her to place her phone on so he can have a better look.
Truly no one is to blame for this mishap. The jab at drugs was laughable at most, wouldâve been laughed at out loud if he werenât so exhausted right now. Charming regardless. Itâs a cute picture, possibly ironic given how much attention to detail was paid. Wouldnât it be the other way around if someone had taken it that seriously? Eh, not that serious. After a good chuckle and some silence, River hands her back her phone. Still does not know her name, but this much comes out of the aftermath: âWe can take a real one if you want.â
party on tilt @pgriver
MAY 2019 BROOKLYN
it all comes down to timing.
distractions help too, city slicker-slacker impatience and foot traffic on overflow. jisungâs only there to give that first and final pushâriver goes over the metal hedge, no hands only handlebars, and he follows suit. thereâs no room for pause until theyâre securely sandwiched by the other passengers who have the aisle spot for the rest of the ride, a one way ticket (hah!) to 86th street station.
his hand flexes then unflexes over the handle with ease, nothing more but one face in a sea of a million and counting. anonymity has never been more welcome.
thereâs not much to ask until the journeyâs through, stepping off and out on the platform and onward. jisung looks at river expectedly, a wordless well? but in lieu of anything substantial: âno âbig appleâ shit, okay.âÂ
muscle memory takes it from here, the path carved in in his mindâs eye rom all the times heâs trudged along it. the lack of weight against his spine almost feels foreign; no jansport heavy with cleats or this weekâs homework upon his person, but the years worn near make up for it.Â
the only time he stops is to point out an old dimsum place. had he not known better, heâd have missed the worn garage tucked to the side of it altogether.Â
in case he didnât make it clear the first time, âi mean it though.âÂ
âyeah, yeah, yeah, i got you.â river tut-tuts, equally a fan of making sure his loved ones(?) avoid tourist spots in his own hometown. but everything else is beyond him, spring heat not being the nicest thing to suffer through as he pretends to think about it. itâs spring, for crying out loud. just thank god it isnât texas.
rubbing the back of his neck, he sticks close to jisung purely for the sake of not getting lost. âi only know there are a bunch of hole-in-the-walls since yâall ârealâ new yorkers canât seem to shut up about those.â river nods in the direction of the dimsum place jisung had just pointed to. âis that one of âem?â
So he doesnât recognize her, too, huh⌠? He doesnât even know her name so maybe heâs right. Maybe they donât know each other for real but the selfie of her and him pops up in her mind, again, Gowon thinks she can solve the case. With deeply frowned eyebrows, the female idol crosses her arms together as her gaze pierces through Riverâs soul. âWe do know each other.â She claims, a hint of assertiveness in her voice. âI also donât have a single memory of you but I think the reason why we donât remember each other is because,â as she sucks in the longest breath of her life âwe did drugs together.âÂ
She doesnât even know what are their effects, only heard of them through her mother and you know the thing with moms exaggerating stuffs to protect their children from troubles.
Apparently âConfusionâ is a game now. River hates admitting that heâs out of the loop with things, but this has to be an exception because the girlâs really adamant in pretending this isnât an honest mistake of a situation. She still hasnât even said her name yet.
He inhales shakily, blinking at her, letting her just stand there in her own stupor. Why did he spare her the embarrassment of being watched by everybody else just yards away if she was gonna pull this? Drugs? In strangely conservative, âweâre on your ass even in your sleepâ South Korea? Itâs 1 AM... that has to be the girlâs excuse. Are they both tired? Absolutely. But not tired enough for River to have missed a possibility of why this is happening. She may be blonde, but itâs not like she was born that way. Please. And even if they had done drugs together at some point, heâd only wish to remember the plug.Â
River looks away, letting his breath go and crossing his arms over his chest, tapping his thumb on top of one of his biceps. âIt was a fan edit, huh?â

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DAY6 (ë°ě´ěě¤) - íëłľíë ë ë¤ě´ěë¤ (Days Gone By)
(...)
âYou did amazing up there, which is so unlike your mundane image. I almost didnât recognize you.â She never really recognized him to begin with⌠But she hopes that makes her sound normal.
From the left:Â âWow, this girl really... no respect.â
To the right: An amused laugh. âDo you see the look on his face?â
Rad comeback, River thinks. You or me? And then she rambles on some more, and thatâs when it really hits him. Sheâs totally pulling this out of her ass. His first instinct is to back away when she comes closer, but he doesnât step too far. Either way, friends donât behave that way unless theyâre jokingly avoiding each other, bantering. Scratching the back of his head, the cherry on top from CROSS_OVERâs very own _____âs end is her calling him mundane. Surely he isnât the life of the party, but he canât have possibly imagined being that boring either; Jisungâs the cool cool one. And his own visuals are pretty... not bad. Not anymore.
He puffs out a breath of air. The weight of their eyes is heavier than the elephant in the room. River doesnât have to look around to know this, but she doesnât have to make this any worse for herself than she does either. Yawning, he nods as if to agree with her, stepping forward again and motioning to the end of the hallway with a weak lift of his arm. Before the conversation can carry on, he joins her at her side and briefly places his hand onto her back, making sure theyâre heading the right direction together where not so many people are around. âLetâs catch up over there.â A white lie.
Once theyâre alone (enough), River clears his throat and licks his lips, still at her side, head low so that theyâre still somewhat discreet. âAlright, Iâll bite.â Itâs okay to be confusedâa reminder for them both. He isnât shy about it. âWe donât know each other, and I wasnât gonna pretend that we did before so here we are.â He looks down at her, waiting until sheâs returning his gaze to go on. âItâs fine, though. Donât be embarrassed.â He offers a hand, but if she doesnât shake it then thatâs okay, too. âYou got the River part down at least, so props. If weâre by ourselves, you donât have to be formal.â Though in general, they canât be unless their respective managers are around... which makes it not count, then. âIâm sorry I donât know your name, but that doesnât mean I donât want to.â He tucks his hair behind his ear with his other hand, rolling his shoulders back so that he isnât slouching so much. âCROSS_OVER, right?â
(...)
afterwards, she did a lot of research about the male idol. yoo minwoo, â96liner, virgo, 179cm and 65kg, likes seo yeji, high school drum captain, hates fruit and loves vlogging. jesus christ, seon gowon, you donât even know your group mates that well but hey, at least she doesnât forget about them like how she totally forgot about this guy! so she owes him a lot⌠luckily for the female idol, godâs given her a chance to make amends today by planning a random encounter for her and the man of mystery in the middle of music bankâs crowded hallway.Â
is he looking at her or is he actually looking at the people behind her? gowon canât tell. her palms have gone cold due to the uneasiness, unsure of how to make this right. she doesnât even know what kind of relationship they have, exactly how close they are out of ten and what sort of interactions do they have but but sheâs seon gowon. when in doubt, seon gowons just go wild so she calls out to him at full volume, possibly attracting more attention than she initially asked for. âhey ho, mr. river!â
Today is feeling long. âIâm going to knock out, donât talk to me for the next five yearsâ long, chills running up Riverâs spine at the thought of being unconscious for longer. Then again, promoting Zombie does that to you. Or is it merely the fourth professional year in the industry catching up to him? Next year will be half a decade, another five years after... and then what?
Heâs lost in thought this way, looking at nothing in particular. Jisung waves a hand in front of him as heâs passing by, but even that much doesnât snap him out of it. What does instead: a random voice permeating the space, addressing him. Unless thereâs another River? Yâknow, alive. Itâs loud, too.
âHi, yeah.â He blinks at the colleague, eyes widening afterward to wake himself up. Giving her a once-over, he recognizes her as... that one girl. Suranâs groupmate? Youâve seen CROSS_OVER enough times on screen but some people stick more than others. But thatâs where it ends. River stares back in deep, tired silence, waiting for her to continue whatever she had to say. Apparently some others are staring, too. Hopefully for the same reason? Because uh, what the fuck. His lips purse into a line, not quite friendly but not short of polite either. âThatâs me.â
do people really say howdy around here?
March 2018 Houston, Texas, USA
Wear proper walking shoes when traveling long distances on foot. Itâs common sense, but so is sparing your bandmate the spiel after theyâd chosen to wear the knock-off Birkenstocks they bought from Walmart last night. Everything in a foreign country is new, fascinating, cool, a bunch of big words Lady Gaga mightâve invented once upon a time. The marvel and overhype of things here though? A âWhatâs an American 7-11 like?â type of attitude? Whew. That much is beyond him.
As a friend, then, laughing at their present misery is a little justified. Does that make River a sadist? Itâs just bare minimum... not like heâs going to hold this over Eundamâs head for the next few months or anything. That often. Besides, itâs nothing personal.
River laughs the rest of it off, finding a bench for the two of them to sit so that Eundam can slip his broken sandal off his foot. When settled, he steals the shoe from his hands to examine it for himself, a stupid grin on his face. "You were better off with the cheap Crocs, hyung.â A downward glance, then up at Eundamâs profile, smile small now but still there. âHow are your heels?â
@pgeun

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buck @pgriver
DEC 2019
Sheâs far from feeling obligated, but to chalk it up to its equal and opposite effect wonât do her any favors either.Â
Well goddamn. Charity it is, then.Â
âWhat? You donât believe me?â Though if anyone else had been telling her sheâd gotten tickets for that cheap, she probably wouldnât have believed them either.Â
She resumes where sheâd left off, fingers tapping away a reply between sips of her Bloody Mary. Mom has been awfully prompt with her texts ever since the news reached her that both the Yoo kids would be headed home this time around.Â
The message is sent off, and Rachel pockets her phone. âFirst class is big enough for the two of us, Riv.â Whatever reasons it wouldnât be is merely a plight of the youngest thatâs beyond her own years.Â
The thing about seeing and believing is that in order for the latter to work, youâd have to be doing that first part. Heâs got his back facing her for this reason, already kind of feeling like sheâs told Mom (who in turn will think surprising Dad by keeping him out of the loop again will absolutely work like it did the first time). Silent incredulity ensues in case there wasnât already enough of it the minute Rachel had made herself welcome in his space.
While River counts down from ten to one, he stares at the wall in front of him and: How old are we again? (Not 16 and 12, 10 and 6, 5 and 1.) Whatâs in it for me? (Mom, Dad, nativity scene with actual hay, home.) If I say no, will she respect it? (Youâd be angrier if she didnât offer at all.) Can I ever 100% win? (Maybe if Dad cries.)
And then... and then a long sigh. Just one of those mid-twenty things. But he isnât at the peak of it yet, choosing to spin on his bare heel to finally face her.
Eyeing the cocktail in her hand, he steps closer. "I want three of those.â Slithering his way to stand behind her now, he looks over her shoulder to peep at the messages going back and forth like crossfire between her and Mom. âAnd the window seat.â And you to not talk to me, but a Christmas miracle is only really getting an aerial view of the lights at this time of year.