CULTIVATE

I calculated my life to have you in it - edited the places I wanted to go, the things I wanted to see because your health kept you from walking more than 50 feet around Trader Joe’s. I had a wheelchair waiting for you to use it, for me to push it if you’d just agree to go to the supposed ‘happiest place on earth’ with me. But even if you didn’t want to, I didn’t need to go - because the happiest place in the world, at the time, for me, was always next to you. I put everything on hold in hopes that you’d get better but you just got worse and it was just my fault.

You are my blue crayon, the one I never have enough of, the one I use to color my sky.

“Have you ever just wanted to lie down and stop thinking about anything at all?” she said. Then she laughed silently, and continued. “Was that even possible? To be blind and not see the things that are important to you? And I am not only pertaining to the eyes, but also to the heart and mind. I am also talking about the ears that hear, about the tongue that speaks. About the skin that feels. I mean, yes, about the mind that thinks. About the heart that beats. About the soul—that lives.” she paused for a second. Took her breath, and said. “Have you ever just wanted to be with yourself for as long as your eyes had runned out of tears? For as long as your heart still enjoys the emptiness that it feels? Because I do, I wanted to embrace loneliness so much, I thought maybe through that way, it wouldn’t hurt me, even if in my longest dreams.”

as another year comes to a close i could end it by saying “good riddance”  but i would much rather say “thank you” for all of the pain that became potential  for all of the let downs that were blessings in disguise  for all of the failures that turned out to be lessons learned thank you for the growth i didn’t realize i was experiencing  for making me stronger when i only felt weak for helping me realize that there is always good in something if you know where to look and thank you for showing me where to look

When I said you’d miss me, I never thought you really would. When I said you’d miss me, I never really thought much of it at all. I just thought I had to say it, to simply say it. To keep you from having the last word. When I said you’d miss me, I said it more for me than for you. Because to be honest, it was something for me to hang on to. The possibility of you, hanging on to me too. When I said you’d miss me. I meant it as: “we can still work this out”, “you don’t have to go”, “won’t you give it a chance”, “I’m sorry”, “if it was something I said, I didn’t mean it”, and “I’ll always be here if you even if you leave, even if you never come back, even if you do and nothing’s changed”. When I said you’d miss me. I really meant: “I care for you, and I hope you do too” I meant: “I still care too much, and I hate myself for it”. So when you say you miss me. When you tell me, you miss me. It’s as if I was suddenly pulled back underwater after grazing the surface. As if I was drowning in you again.