couch potato

Loving myself was not easy. It took years to learn, unlearn, and break through so much shame and so many generational beliefs that were placed on me.

From early on, I always knew I was different. I think my family knew I was gay, too, but instead of accepting me, they avoided it and tried to course-correct me into becoming the version they wanted me to be. I played that game for years just so I could survive. But I realize now that I don’t have to carry that shame or suffer for their comfort anymore.

Their opinions no longer hold the same value they once did. Their judgment has changed the way I see them, and it hurts to realize that the love and support I thought I had came with conditions. It is unfair for them to be hurtful and still expect me to keep showing up.

I don’t understand how they can believe it is their duty to remind me that I have sinned and that I need to go to church, while also making me and others like me feel unwelcome there. What happened to being kind to your neighbor? To treating others the way you would want to be treated? To loving simply because love is good?

I’m disappointed in the family I thought I knew. I once believed they had my back, and I accepted their version of love because I thought that was all I deserved. But I know now that real love should not require me to hide, shrink, or be ashamed of myself.

I don’t want to be in spaces where I do not feel seen, accepted, or celebrated. I will not keep giving my energy to people or places that make me feel like I have to disappear in order to belong.

I’m done hiding in the shadows. I’m done being compliant in a way of life that hurts me. I want to live my life fully, to the highest degree — to love and be loved completely.

I lay in my bed here, thinking and observing the positions I often revisit — how I tend to stay on one side of the bed, or when I sit in the center with my back leaned against the wall. I notice Coconut choosing her side with every different position. I think about seats at the office, parking spots, foods, people, places and all things etcetera we usually gravitate toward. Like it’s ours without having to say it is.

You are what you eat. You become what you consume and who you are is just a representation of the energy you put out in the world. Your birth matters. Where you are in the world matters. Who you surround yourself with matters.

Each day blends into the next. The weekends move too quickly. And even then, I feel like I’m watching time just disappear. I know what I have to do, but I get stuck in my comfort zone. I can see the future, but I keep reminiscing about the past.

Dear Second Day of January,

I showed up imperfectly. It’s 7:29 PM, and I’m taking a break from being bedridden. I’ve been rotting more days than not, working minimally, and being unkind to myself about it. My productive value feels lower than usual, and I trap myself in my room while my priorities idle in my mind.

Another part of me says, fuck it—it’s only the second day of the year. And today, I’m choosing that voice. The work will get done. Trust.

2025 was a whirlwind. A bumpy start, a dip in the middle, and a full downhill crash at the end. It took me over a year to finally let go of a past flame. Friendships shifted. Depression settled in. My left eye went out of commission and is still recovering. A car accident added more problems and appointments. Moving was the hardest change. And athlete’s foot was the cherry on top—which I’m still dealing with (rude).

Slowly but surely, I’ve adapted to these setbacks while still working on healing.

All these moments and hardships in life are teaching me something. My instinct immediately wants to delay these lessons. It makes me realize how precious time is. How time is the only thing we can never get back. How every regret turns into wishful thought about taking back the time. These growing moments are uncomfortable, but they’re necessary.

Goals for This Year

Financial Literacy I think I’m okay with money, but I want a healthier relationship with it. This year, I will open a high-yield savings account. No more thinking about it, just doing it. I want to learn the basics of investing, track my spending, budget intentionally, and pay bills on time. First step: open the savings account before the first full week of January ends.

Respect Time I’ve been a little late my whole life. This year, I want to be early. I don’t want to wait on people anymore. I want to show up for myself and for others, and be more mindful of time. First step: aim to arrive 10 minutes early—even if I sit in the car scrolling.

Read More I want to get lost in books. I want to use my brain, expand my vocabulary, and learn new things. First step: read 10 pages a day. Not a chapter. Not a whole book. Just 10 pages.

Prioritize Overall Health I restarted therapy and want to stay consistent while working toward a better mindset. I also want to free myself from nicotine addiction. It’s ridiculous how much space it takes up in my head—especially living with someone who vapes. I hate how often I think about it. I’m also working toward being sober and partying less. First step: don’t quit perfectly—just don’t quit quitting.

Community I want to find community that actually feels like belonging. I’ve always felt like a floater. I want to feel safe, at peace, and fully myself. I want to do more wholesome things. First step: say yes to one low-pressure, non-party plan each month.

Consistency I want consistency in everything: my routines, workouts, job, time management, and relationships—with myself, my family, and my friends. First step: consistency over intensity. Showing up halfway still counts.