Yes I Am

It's the end of the year once more. I don't know whether I'm afraid to say goodbye or start a new chapter of my life but whatever it is I need to face it my eyes on the clouds and my feet on the ground. This 2015 has been an amazing yet heartbreaking, wonderful yet tearjerker. I may say that this is the year I'm most grateful of. With all the things I've learned, I've let go, I've hold on to I'm grateful that it happened this year. This might be the year that I really got to know who I am and who I want to be. Maybe still a bit confuse about whatever path I'm willing to take in the future but I got my life planned out. I know now what my worth is, that I should never take myself for granted. This is the year that I've shed more tears than 2014. I may say that I've felt more heartbroken but that is how life is. I learned to accept the things I need to let go off, I learned to move on but most importantly I've learned how to love myself. As I say goodbye to 2015, I'll also say goodbye to a lot of things, people and experiences. But I am ready to say hello to 2016. And also I'm now going to say goodbye to tumblr for I'll be focusing on my new blog site where I'm more comfortable in writing with. And as I end this year and this blog, I wanna say it's worth it, every tear, laughter, goodbyes, hellos and whatever in between was worth it. I am happy. I can be happier but I'm glad to end this year with happiness in my life. It was amazing while it lasted. Now signing off Trina Louise Lopez Leynes :)

I stumbled across a lovely short story. It was wonderful. While I was reading it my heart was slowly breaking into pieces. I didn't love the story because it ended wonderfully, in all honesty it ended in a heart breaking tragic. I was crying the whole time I was reading the last few chapters because I know how it would end. It was pretty cliche but the way the author delivered it was wonderful. I loved how it was so realistic that people tend to lose hope. It was called 100 voicemails. It was a story about a boy in a coma and his girlfriend who left him 100 voicemails. The way his girlfriend change throughout the story was really real. It was realistic. The way she'd hold on and the way she started losing hope, the way she cursed him for not waking up. It was all so realistic. I could still feel my heart aching as I write this blog entry. I just can't accept the fact that people tend to lose their war between holding on and losing hope. It is probably the most drastic thing to ever happen. It is New Years Eve but here I am feeling my heart breaking over a short story. I guess this is how I'm going to be spending my day, with a broken heart. I think I'm going to read that story again, until I memorize it's words, until I let it sink in my blood, until it becomes a part of me. This is the problem with pain, demands to be felt.

I never believed in things such as blessings in disguise until the day it happened to me. The moment we reached the downfall of our friendship. I was devastated, I know you were too. I kept asking myself if sacrificing for the happiness of others were worth it. And I always found myself answering, "it is worth it." I believed that whenever you sacrifice for others, someone would also sacrifice for you. But that never happen. I was always the one who sacrifices, and nobody does that for me. Whenever I tried to ignore your messages, your mix signals I always feel my heart being torn to pieces. I was never angry at you, I may have those occasional tantrums but I was never angry. I was more angry at myself for making you go through what I went through before. But I know I can never bring back time to make it right. I tried though, but you were pushing me away. I never liked people pushing me away, I feel unwanted, unimportant. Well, maybe I was right? Upon reading your letter the moment I got home, upon learning you were angry at me. It broke me apart once more. It broke the heart I tried so hard to mend. I was okay, and now I felt like I was back to zero once more. Right now, lying on the floor (you know how I love lying on the floor and the reason why) I don't know what to think, I don't know what to say. I'm not blaming you for being honest but it broke me more. You broke me the way she did before. Everything that I found was lost once more. Maybe that downfall was the blessing in disguise for it made me realize how much I should value my life, how much I should value myself. But then every blessing has it's own difficulty. And I think this is it. Me being broken was the difficulity. Don't worry. I just wanna say this things before I go to our trip that I would use as my soul searching. Don't worry about me. I'll get up once more, maybe whenever I can finally say that I accept the result of my decisions. Thank you for being honest. Thank you for being proud but I don't think you'll be proud of my anymore after reading this. Thank you for everything.

My heart and soul.

So this is how things are supposed to be. So this is how it feels to be happy. I am glad that I found that answer within me not with anyone else.