Grav's Space Rift

I've just met someone who has been quite kind and genuinely appears to be interested in me. I'm unsure if that will change when we are truly united but it has been nice. The thing is, I'm also not quite sure if I'm ready to be close with this individual. Initially, it felt wonderful and this horrible rut I've found myself in, recently, seemed to be a thing of the past. Yet, the past always happened. That will never go away.

In my past, I met another individual. This person meant the world to me and was someone I'd do anything for. Sure, we had various differences from time to time but ultimately this was the person that I loved unconditionally. This person understood me more than anyone on this planet ever has and I wanted nothing for them but happiness. In all honesty, I did feel a reluctance to involve myself in a few of their interests. Interests that supposedly "went beyond established societal norms". This person's interests never were harmful or illegal in any way and I never felt that I personally was uncomfortable with them. I guess that I just felt scared about how other people would perceive me especially as someone who didn't particularly share the interest and didn't get the pros they got out of it to outweigh the cons of the societal pressure. It just makes me so upset with how people in this world operate and with my inability to ignore the hurtful words and judgement of others.

As a result of my lack of involvement with a few of their interests, we became further from one another. At one point, a horrific incident occurred that neither of us had any control over and as a result of that, our relationship slowly crumbled apart.

I constantly wonder if there was ever anything I could have done to prevent the demise of our relationship but I now see what I should have done to make our relationship better. Having been without it, I'm now able to truly realize how much I treasured it and how I would fight any inhibitions within me to be able to have it again. But it's much too late. They are probably better off with someone else who shares those interests I've referenced.

And so, this new person I've just met presents me with a chance to discover a new bond. A new sense of closeness with someone.

I'm just not sure if I'm ready for it. This new person is very kind, beautiful, and doesn't (as far as I know) bring forth the same "non-mainstream" interests.

I feel really upset. I've had a rough weekend.

Well, relatively rough to what my blessed self is used to I guess.

Fuck. I'm so alone at home and love is so confusing right now. I just want to give and have at a mutual frequency.

Why is everything off?

Is it me?

And why do I contemplate my demise all the time?

Not over love, just over feeling generally bad all the time.

But still, why?

When the world is falling apart and everyone around you is lost, YOU have to pull through. For them and for yourself. If you truly want to get through all of this you need to persevere. 

With all of my own issues, some partially resolved, there are bigger matters at hand that I must turn my focus to. One of these involves a “blow” that I couldn’t even write about at first, even just to soften the impact. This was a huge “blow” to my morale and to the morale of a few individuals who are very close to me. 

Unfortunately, this will never go away and to be honest, none of us that are dealing with this know exactly what to do. 

In a metaphorical sense, it’s like waves in the ocean that continue to destroy sand castles built across the shore. We aren’t sure how to completely stop the waves from hitting the castles just yet but we continue to build the castles after they are destroyed, over and over, while we try to figure out how to end the destruction. It’s very exhausting trying to build them over and over but we have to do just that because we haven’t yet designed a wall that will properly barricade our castles from the waves permanently. It takes a lot of time and energy.

Since we’ve begun to deal with this, I now know that I need to step up and be strong.

And maybe for now, this is my purpose. 

To help us get through this. Whatever it takes.

Plus, the other stuff I’ve been dealing with as of late hardly compares to the severity of this situation.

I want to make music.

I want to make films.

I want to travel the world and make many friends.

And most of all, I want to be someone that others care about.

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I'm just so lost right now and I'm not sure how to do any of this with the state of mind I'm in right now.

I've lost the motivation to do the things I like and my self confidence seems to drop further each day.

I tried to create a community online for small musicians to collaborate. My own moderator banned every member and deleted it just for fun.

I try to edit videos for others to hopefully enjoy and instead feel defeated because of the smallest challenge I come across in the process.

I try to read the scripts my friend wrote to hopefully write my own for him in the future but it feels like a huge burden for some reason.

I begin to write songs and then stop when I feel I'm struggling to make further progress.

I can't follow through with anything and it sucks.

Am I able to get help and make it through this?

It's crazy to say that. I've felt depressed before but never actually felt like the easiest way out was to never wake up again. Because of these writings, it may seem like I'm upset all the time and that this can't possibly be anything new but the fact is, I only use this place to write about my issues when they are especially bad. Believe it or not, I have good days. Today, however, was definitely not one of them.

As I had thought, returning here has awakened these bad feelings and habits. I'm not sure how to fix them to be honest and I definitely need help. I just feel so cornered here. I've continuously fucked up and it's only going to cause a chain reaction of more fucking up. And I'm still so lonely and desperately need to socialize. Everything is going to shit and I can't possibly see this improving with my current mindset that I feel is near impossible to change.

Will I ever find the motivation and drive I used to have?

Why am I making myself so useless right now?

I hardly feel like my life is worth it.

And through all of this, for a moment, I decided to reach out just a little. I (reluctantly) talked to the most beautiful and kind hearted person I know. Initially, I hesitated to do so because I didn't want to burden her with more problems. Yet, this feeling was so strong and upsetting to me that I couldn't make another decision without telling her about it.

And when I did, she reminded me about what it means to love someone and why I should stay. About my future: she told me what everyone else says but in a way that I could identify with and could almost envision happening.

If she left me this way, I couldn't go on and leaving her this way would be incredibly selfish.

I chose to come here. It was an opportunity. A thing I still believe will pave the way for even more opportunities. At times, I love it here. It's truly a beautiful place. The rest of the time I feel like I'm rotting away here. And when I return home, I'm not the same. It has changed me. Now, I don't know if what is changed can be fixed but for now, I'm stuck feeling this way even occasionally when I'm back home. The feeling follows me there. Yet, for some reason I decide to stay in this place. I believe my time here is important and the beautiful moments I have are almost worth it. Almost. But I'm not sure.

I don't wanna be alone anymore and here I have no friends or at least ones as close to me as the ones back home. Even though home is anything but close. Any acquaintances here only remain so within the classroom. Outside the classroom, it's just me.

I explore the city solo and return to my temporary home to rot away in this never-ending self imprisonment within a box of boredom and self-loathing.

Writing online about issues is something you do for attention.

Something you do when you are a pussy. 

Yet, here I am. 

Scared.

A pussy.

It’s like I am doing this because I want to pretend I am helping myself.

As if typing to the void will clear my head.

But it’s not.

In the end, everything remains the same.

I feel horrible.

I hate myself.

I hate what I’ve been blessed to recieve.

I go on, fucking everything up along the way.

Hell, I’ve done things people never will have a chance to do in their lives.

But selfishly I live.

Feeling upset about myself while someone painfully dies elsewhere.

Unheard.

Forgotten.

And here I am whining.

Today, I felt alone. 

I was amongst many people. 

One of whom I care about. 

Not sure why I do. 

Regardless, I’m pretty sure they don’t care about me.

Which is fine.

I mean, home is where people care and clearly I’m not there. 

It’s just so weird.

To be in a room socializing but not really. 

Instead, slowly becoming an empty shell.

Sure, this is edgy as fuck.

But what am I supposed to do.

I need someone. 

I’m too afraid to because I don’t want to be judged. So, I come on here where I can pretend people see it. Plus, people post this kind of thing all the time on this shitty site anyway.  I am really lost.

Grav’s Light-Speed Review

Coloring Book - 8/10

Music that you can really feel. 

Some odd choices in the production of certain songs.

Chance can really preach in music. You can feel it too!

Chance’s rhymes are either smooth and casually spoken yet groovy or go super hard.

There was someone called Hal. 

This person was cool and genuinely awesome but I doubt that by now they’d be looking for a sign that I’m still here.