find something to live for

when your friend hands you another shot but you already too fucked up

I’m sorry I don’t call. Sorry I snuck down the stairs  & out to the mouth of a boy who will never know my name. I’m sorry I ruined your carpet with a backdraft of whiskey. Sorry I told our secrets. Put them in a book. Didn’t tell you about it. I’m sorry for the freckles & the switches & the mean boys in grade school. I’m sorry I scratched your Neil Diamond record. Drew the picture of the dead cat. Titled it after my dead sister. I’m sorry they pulled her from your body like a sad wet sponge. I’m sorry no one came to the hospital. Sorry I felt sorry. I’m sorry about the stolen tampons and the nest of mice in the stove. The pennies for gas money. Sorry I drank all your rum. For the boy in the basement. & the one on the porch. & the back of your car. The slashed window screens. & forearms. Sorry I lied about acid & the boy with the knife. The houseful of beer rats. Sorry for the weevils & the dead grass. I’m sorry I don’t call anymore. I’m sorry your life looks like this in photo albums. That I was part of your stain. That it took 36 years to say this. You hate me. You are too kind to say so. I’m sorry I told our stories. I am low. I never thanked you for sacrifice. For stereo & dolls & English & correcting my stutter & the big slumber party with all the gift bags. Sorry I vomited in the wash drain. Sorry I left. Sorry I came back. You still get ferocious. Sorry I struck back. Loved you so hard– then turned like a coin that has run out of spin. I’m sorry the rock opened that boy’s forehead. That I cursed you. Wouldn’t let you hit me anymore. I’m sorry I lied. I am a coward. My skin has started to yellow. My neck is curving into an ampersand. We can’t talk about it. We can’t talk. Sorry the world kicked you so hard. Sorry he’s sick, Mama, & all I can do is worry what happens next. I wrote the poems. I stopped calling. I don’t visit. I’m sorry you never wanted me. Sorry I don’t need you like other girls. There’s so much decay. No grandchildren. I failed. I am alone. Alone is easier than talking to you. I’m sorry it comes like this, flood & undertow. Can’t sit comfortably in the same room, I twitch like a startled moth. Sorry I came out hard & sharp & full of claws. Ruined your body. Only learned the wrong things. I’m sorry I don’t call. I’m sorry you’re so far. Sorry I have no intention of coming to find you.

i sent this photo to one of my friends 

Life is too short for shitty sex and bad relationships. So go find someone who fucks you right and treats you how you deserve to be treated.