incoherent but functional

I have a little nibling :) my brother’s baby has been born! healthy and mom is doing well too. time to make this child into a socialist

i need to finish things but I don’t want to be at work or working I wanna nap in my bed or be at the beach

my toxic trait is that I feel listless and like life is pointless if I’m not working toward a goal I believe will create a net benefit to society. this isn’t generalized for me across people, it’s only a strict thing for myself. its how I keep the ghost in my head that wants to devour me whole at bay.

got cleared to drink alcohol yesterday and immediately got drunk (with my coworkers) this evening. one of my coworkers told me i am the most under-appreciated employee of the center, and that i should have been given a permanent job years ago (i agree) and he hopes me leaving kicks management in their ass to give people what they deserve. i said its fine because i will be leaving this workplace better than i found it, with a union that can fight mgmt for better treatment. it feels like bragging and maybe i am a little bit.

i have been telling people for months I’m leaving mid to late July and just got an email asking me to drive 1.5 hours north to teach them how to use our models (even though i literally hosted a hybrid option LAST WEEK that they were invited to). i need to say No but it’s gonna take a lot of mental strength to do so (for me). not because i hate saying no necessarily (but i do hate saying no when people ask me to help them) but because i worry that without knowledge of how to use the tools, decisions about restoration will be made without the best available science. I don’t know how to balance my own physical and mental peace with the innate sense of responsibility I feel towards making sure my values of protecting and improving ecosystems are upheld. and I can’t even talk to my therapist about it before I make a decision bc she’s on vacation this and next week.

really trying to temper my urge to feel a tiny bit hopeful about these demsoc primary wins y’all

I AM ALLOWED TO EAT CRUNCHY THINGS AGAIN!!!!!

today i wore a sleeveless shirt for probably the first time ever to my infusion, usually it's too cold in there for that but it's fucking hot out so i brought a little thin hoodie just in case, didn't need it, and got so many compliments on my tattoo :) healthcare workers are always the ones who appreciate it the most which makes me happy

fellow trans people I love you. we cannot give into despair. exist and find joy and fight like hell

i wish i did not agree to do this community event (talking about ecosystems at a local park) on sunday...

why did I schedule three in person doctor appointments with ~1 hr between when they will end so effectively my entire day tomorrow is drive. sit in waiting room. doctor stuff. drive. until the end of the day????