cigarette-stained lies

I'm sorry for pushing you away. I thought I was saving you from having to live with a nightmare; I failed to see that that didn't matter to you. I thought you would be better off without me, and that's what I wanted for you.

I now live in the nightmare I tried to save you from. I now wish that I hadn't pushed you away. Do you have that happiness now? I sure hope you do. Please tell me that you do, so that my despair won't have been to waste.

One day, I'll learn how to forgive and forget.

First, I will learn how to forget. I'll forget how you were the only person who could make jokes about me but still get me to laugh about it. I'll forget how you used to make fun of my handwriting even though you couldn't read your own. I'll forget how you made me feel. I'll forget how I couldn't sleep without you beside me. But most importantly, one day I'll forget how good I had it with you. 

Then, I'll learn how to forgive. I'll forgive myself for stealing away your hours for my own selfish needs. I'll forgive myself for not seeing what you were trying to do because I refused to believe I was capable of being loved. I'll forgive myself for letting you go. But most importantly, I'll forgive myself for breaking your heart because I was convinced I was doing it for you.

It's going to take days, weeks, months, maybe years. But I will go on. I will trudge and drag my feet further and further away from the memories that I keep holding on to. I will push myself forward until I can look back and not see you on the horizon anymore. I will keep going, hoping that one day I'll wake up and I'll be alright.