Per Aspera…

I stopped trying when I couldn’t be them, no where near as successful, creative, or intelligent. It was as though I was a small building in the shadow cast by towering skyscrapers, with no potential to ever be as tall or powerful. I was rampantly told I was a run-down lot of land with no future, which would one day be bulldozed over to clear up space for another skyscraper. Height and stature were their measure of character, not wisdom, personality or anything of substance.

They forgot I was not a rundown old building nearing its end, but a teenager, a building still under construction. If we give buildings time to be built up, shouldn’t we warrant the same to people - young impressionable people? When a building doesn’t have a strong foundation, it crumples under the pressures of natural disasters and crises almost instantaneously. Thus, we spend the most time strengthening the building’s roots, its foundation, before we build a soaring skyscraper over it. Does this not apply to people too? We need time to learn, make mistakes, and explore the world to strengthen our foundation upon which we will build our lives and futures. However, the foundation takes time, more so for some than others, but in the end all of us will be unique, powerful and beautiful - much like buildings. If we are not allowed to time to strengthen our foundation and pillars, we will break before the hazards that come with living life.

Architecture is meant to be unique and only then will a building stand out against the concrete jungle of our cities. Thus, if you replicate a previous building exactly, we lose the singularity of both, and it begins to blend into the crowd of buildings in its landscape. Similarly, we must not be replications or extensions of our parents, mentors, or other role model figures, otherwise we too will be lost in the background.

I want my life to be my own building, unlike any other and curated by my tastes, preferences and experiences - a reflection of me, rather an impression of another regardless of how grand they are. I will not be foreshadowed by my parents’ buildings and lives, but strive of overcome it. If my building offends some and disgusts others, that is their burden to bear, not mine. I will spend time building my foundation, design and construct my building as I see fit, and stand unique and proud against the morbid reality of our concrete jungle of duplicates and monotone.

… Ad Astra,

- The Alcatraz of Expectations (a dialogue)

It turned out to be venenum after all.

Ad astra,

‘Per aspera ad astra,’ has long since become my anxiety chant, not just because it’s literal meaning, but the soul splintering beauty and depth it carries. It taught me that when we are reaching for, not just dreaming of the stars, striving to be one of the greats, it is definite that we go through a heart-quenching, searing amounts of pain, as we literally and figuratively ‘go through the thorns’.

As I am ‘per aspera’, I will be actively posting to you about my thoughts, opinions, philosophies and just how it is to walk through the thorns. I hope this journal-like honesty and perspective lessens your strifes as you cross your own garden of thorns everyday.

Even if this never reached you, I hope you venture your way ‘ad astra.’

…Ad Astra (to the stars),

…Ad Astra (to the stars),

…Ad Astra (to the stars),

A poem I wrote called ‘Champagne Problems’ to say that despite how glamorous things may seem, there is always a deeper story to unveil.

XOXO Cynane

It's never easy to feel. Because that makes it simpler to love but even easier to get hurt. When u feel, you are letting people in and more often than not, it ends badly and you are broken for a while. Eventually it all becomes so overwhelming that your mind numbs and you stop feeling altogether.

It seems good for a while, you feel freer than before, but when you stop feeling the good along with the bad. It finally begins to suffocate. It's like all those emotions are building up inside you and there is no way to let them out, because your messed up head stops acknowledging them altogether. It continues to grow like a tumor and takes up all your energy, until you lose the will to do anything. You feel worthless and begin to loose yourself. It is not easy to understand that feeling, if you aren't going through it yourself. That sheer lack of emotions, not just good but bad too, scared you. You feel like you are slowly dying and leaving a shallow corpse behind.

But when you ask for help, no one understands, because it is your fault for listening, when they told you to get over it. Because you know that now you will be a cold hearted person, who will never feel love or show kindness again. It will not be an easy battle, the quest to finding yourself again, but you have a titanium-clad wall now protecting you from further harm, but also preventing you from moving on.

They say that the pretty clothes are a pretence and the flirty smiles are a show of how shallow I am inside.

But they don’t know, that it is indeed all a show, a shield to protect me, a lie to make them hate me, so that I don’t have to show my vulnerability.

A superficial front to hide the depth of the wounds that they gave me, a lack of trust and a fear of misery.

There are I days I can’t stand up, others when I run can a 100 miles. But those are the days u will find me coldest and at my best.

So please reflect upon your own cruelty, before you judge me for my heartless frontier. You made the sweet dreamy girl who loves you, into the warrior you fear.

Thank you anyways, for making me a powerful.