Pen to Paper
It can be hard to take the time to ask yourself if you’re truly happy. Why is that? Why is it so much easier to live out each day and never question how we’re really feeling? We go through the motions of motivating ourselves to workout, look our best, and do our best in work or school and so on. Sometimes, it feels to me, that I do these things to fill my time - until I tire myself out at the end of the day, hoping to be able to rest when I put my head to the pillow.
In my memory, it seems like I’ve always struggled with myself. Not being attractive enough or smart enough or skinny enough. Like so many other young women, I’ve struggled with an eating disorder since I was 15 - wavering from binging one day to not eating for as long as my body will allow. I took up running as a sport and developed a stricter diet, which exacerbated my poor eating habits. I went through a tough break up when I was 18, that more than anything, made me feel uncomfortable in my own body.
I have always prided myself in being a smart, hardworking girl. So when I wasn’t accepted to my favorite university, it knocked me down again. I was not only ashamed physically anymore, but also, I felt like a fraud. As if I had lied to myself and my peers about my intellect and abilities. Again, I wasn’t good enough. I worked harder than I ever had in my first year of college, and made the transfer to that dream university - where I have regained confidence in my abilities as a student. I still feel like a fraud at times, but as my rector recently taught me, this is called ‘imposter syndrome’, and it can be hard to shake.
I have been in a relationship for a little over a year, and thinking about it breaks my heart. I have developed anxiety that has caused me to seek help from our school’s counseling center. This anxiety began when my boyfriend blacked out and cheated on me. I never told anyone, not even the counselors. I’m too embarrassed, and I haven’t been able to trust him fully since. But if you look at our photos, you would never know. Social media is interesting in that way. When you show people the highlight reel of your life, it becomes tougher to see through the cracks. I continue to get anxiety when he drinks or is around other girls, even my friends. I know this isn’t right. Yet we always say ‘I love you’. If you can’t love anyone before you love yourself, is this a lie? I know he is still not loyal to me like I am to him, but I believe that is simply because I’m not enough for him. I’m just me. I want to believe that I could be enough or feel enough for someone, but I really just don’t know.
I’m anxious as I write and emotionally spent seemingly each day. More than anything, I don’t know what to do, because I don’t know if I’ll ever feel back to normal or loved one day. But something about putting this out into the void, rather than a private account, feels like a release that is cathartic for me. I don’t know what happens next, but each day I consider my self-worth and where I hope to be in the future. I thank God for my family and friends, while they don’t fully understand how I feel, I believe they continue to help build me up - one day at a time.
