Coughing Blood at the Wind

Sometimes you gotta just pace around a room and give yourself your own damn TEDtalk

You run a tattoo parlor. Every couple of weeks, the same customer comes in, always requesting the same tattoo: an additional tally mark on an ever-growing cluster of tally marks.

this shouldn’t have made me laugh so hard but I almost cried

I really hate to side with Gollum on this, but “what’s in my pocket” is not a riddle and should not have counted. 

Do you think people with LED headlights know that everyone hates them? Like…really hates them in an oddly personal way? Do you think they know?

Shes a brick

who?

HOUSE

that scene in the emperors new groove where kuzco and yzma are going back and forth through the kitchen door ordering food from kronk while not noticing the other person is the height of comedy and nothing will ever surpass it

The emperors new groove is the height of comedy and nothing will ever surpass it

So apparently it’s a turnoff to yodel during sex?

it’s funny how UFOs crash like even these highly evolved beings fuck up. we all make mistakes! and professor, that’s why i think you should grant me an extension on this paper,

she’s out there making owl noises

who