You made me feel alive again

You gave me new reasons to want to be awake

You changed who I am, forever

I compromised myself for you

Only for things to end

If they realized everything happening, would they still feel happy? Would they do anything about it?

Does the value of life and the future have a monetary value?

If we acquire the wealth, are we better? Are we fulfilled? What are the wealthy purchasing? Are their purchases fulfilling? Was the process worth it?

I just think all that is empty. I’ve chased wealth for so long, and I just don’t know why. I don’t know my endgame plan.

I’m back to trying again to get the weight off. My wake up call was gaining 5.5 lbs in a month, a large part of which was binging on Halloween candy.

With what I weighed this morning, I need to lose 45-50 lbs to be at a (healthy) weight I feel I would be proud and happy with. It’s a number I haven’t seen since I was a kid, probably.

My son was born and I was so happy. All I wanted was to share the joy and first moments with my husband but that was robbed of me. I was all alone with my son. Because I had no reliable family or friends to help with my girls for those few days in the hospital.

I cried for hours that night. My son peacefully slept. I begged my husband to help. Find someone. Do something. I don’t know if he ever tried. But he never knew how much it hurt me.

The nurse saw me bawling. She thought it was PPD and says to go back on antidepressants. No. It wasn’t PPD. It was devastating loneliness combined with disappointment in everyone, combined with being robbed of some of the most precious moments that should’ve been shared with my husband.

I feel abandoned by the people I was once close to.

I was so easy to lose. I wasn’t fought for. The efforts weren’t made much. Why? Was I not good enough or worth staying close to? Not just strangers, but at times even my own family.

I think I’m a good friend. I’ll fight for you. I’ll stay loyal til the end. I’ll treasure all the memories forever. I’ll remember your birthday and try to make it special. I’ll do what I can to make you happy and know you’re valued. I rarely feel any of that in return.