So I’ve been feeling many things lately, mostly bad.

After talking to my best friend, the issues surfaced and I realised that I’ve been going through quite a bit of stress and handling quite a bit of responsibilities unconsciously.

It’s no surprise that I have been trying to deal with my mental pain by doing shit non-stop for the past few months.

I always knew that there was going to be a day where something interrupts that, but never thought it would be this way.

So I hurt my back more than a week ago, thinking that it was going to be minor and that it would resolve in a couple of days.

It’s been over a week since I’m able to properly train and it caused a decline in my mental health for sure.

Having this pain killed my vibe for sure, plus I couldn’t perform as smoothly as I usually would at work.

It’s been an utter chaos in my head, overthinking shit, re-kindling some stuff that I’ve been struggling with.

When I talked to my best friend, I realised there were so many different responsibilities that I’m carrying on my shoulders and pressure from people around me.

I don’t think the people around me deliberately put pressure on me, I probably just take it more than I should be taking.

Because I have no chill, obviously.

It’s to the point where I almost broke down in tears, because honestly? I’m tired.

Don’t get me wrong, hustling with all these shit feels great, and I love having shit to do. But both my body and mind needs proper rest.

But I also struggle to do that, because of this nagging voice in my head telling me that if I don’t do shit I’m wasting time.

Also…the responsibilities on my shoulders don’t allow that.

In conclusion…I don’t know what to fucking do LOL.

So the theme of the season I’m going through right now is Perseverance.

I’ve been considering getting a personal trainer for quite some time but was pretty reluctant. I’m glad that I decided to go for it because I think it’s helping me mentally in a certain way.

It was definitely one of the main intentions as to why I wanted to start training, other than gaining more physical strength/just getting a little more fit in general.

So as I trained, I started to develop this eagerness to push through pain. It made me feel like if I could push through this physical pain, I can do it mentally too.

I do realise that I’ve been pushing through mental pain on a daily basis, but I’ve always felt pretty defeated.

I’m not trying to say that training has healed me, definitely not. It solely will certainly not as well, because it’s just another step towards healing.

I still go through deep heaviness and spurts of random tears each and every day.

But it’s bringing me at least a little more motivation and a new possible outlook in life.

I guess I’m really enjoying this because it feels like I’m actively progressing little by little as I try new ways to help myself.

There’s no guarantee how long I can keep up with this, because I do recognise that I am mentally still very tired since I never found a way to let it take a break.

But…let’s just push through for now.

The progress of character development for me this year has been one of the toughest, yet it has brought the most drastic change I would say.

I do receive moral support from my friends, but there are still times where I feel alone.

But I know that being alone is what I need right now, because that’s where I can really focus on healing.

Sure, I always wished that circumstances were different, that he would choose me over all the shit that life throws at us, but this is my reality right now.

It is what it is.

An extremely difficult to swallow pill, but I can only do what I can do.

You know, when I look back to how I was a year from now I’m so much different.

From deciding to advance in my career, to my own mental growth.

I thought that I was merely just in my comfort zone, but after today’s session it made me realize that I was afraid.

I was afraid to step up to do things because I feared being not good enough.

Taking up grooming class was a great progression for me.

I always endured my anxiety attacks since they were so frequent and never really thought of how I could try to help myself.

I had this mindset that I will always be like that.

But now, I’m not willing to settle for that.

I’m digging in deeper to find my triggers, to find out why I’m having these attacks.

These past few months has been harder because I’ve been pushing myself a little harder while healing.

Sure, there are many times where I fall back feeling anxious, empty and numb at the same time, but what’s done is done.

What can I do about it now?

I’m aware that this will go on for a while, and I have to take things step by step.

I just hope that I don’t lose strength and keep on fighting.