jester

a billionaire can never be held accountable, therefore a billionaire must never make a management decision

i have a suggestion

forcefemming the billionaires won't help

sorry I thought you were someone else

i actually did have colors due in my chemistry class today

wuh oh guys! Set thrusters to bedtime because I just got a signal from planet Sleepy: they are going to kill us with lasers

“this is how you age when you’re unproblematic” NO! stop assigning moral weight to attractiveness! I am not hot because I’m a good person! I am hot because all of my friends are gorgeous! I’m absorbing their beauty! Like a vampire! Because I’m evil!

smoking that shit that makes you cry about the horrors of car-centric infrastructure

hey yeah i get it but youre harshing the vibe rn nobody wants to hear about the irreversible damage that cars have done to North America and the whole world by proxy

showing your girl pictures of nasty ugly parking garages at the function

this is not a joke or exaggeration but a cry for help btw I've been watching 3 hour youtube videos about concrete like I'm somebody's autistic dad

yeah no sorry I can't go out tonight I have to read the rest of the 2023 Ford corporate sustainability report no not for a class I'm just nosey

no babe I thought it was hot that you got into and won a debate with my dad about the viability of high speed rail in north america

listen I'm sorry that your dad went home, researched highspeed rail, and started the argument with you again when I wasn't there umm no I'm not going to apologize no I actually umm yeah I've been brushing up on my talking points sorry but bob doesn't stand a fucking chance he can meet me in the market place of ideas

how is this not astronomically popular

I'm not here but the true puritan threat is people's hatred for fat, carbs and salt. You'll see the most mouth-watering video of the world's most delicious food, a spread that makes you wanna weep with jealousy, and most of the comments are, "mmm too much salt, too many calories, I'd only eat this if calories didn't exist." Hm. We live on a rock rotating around a gaseous star in a spiral galaxy. Eat the damn triple dipper.

your friend will be SHOCKED by this one trick: rat poison in drink

aren't gorillas gentle giants or something. i stay out of his way, he doesn't maul me, we have a nice time picking out clothes together in opposite sides of the mall

Male gorillas are super aggressive and territorial. Also they interpret nearly every human mannerism as a sign of aggression or a challenge. Smiling and eye contact are both things that zookeepers have to be taught to suppress when they’re in the vicinity of gorillas.

This is all irrelevant because the obvious answer is five black mambas. I mean, that’s not actually very many snakes, and malls are fucking huge. And unlike a gorilla you can definitely outrun a snake if it does show up. Find an open space in the mall where you can see any snake coming and just hangout out there. Fucking easy.

They should substitute "chimpanzee" for "gorilla" in this hypothetical.

if it was a chimp i'm taking the fucking snakes

Black mambas have a reputation build on being very venomous and very fast. I'm not sure why you would think you could outrun one (or five) in an enclosed space like a mall.

Malls usually have pretty slick floors, and escalators. I’d choose the gorilla simply because I think that would make an more interesting story (and a better-selling autobiography, I Survived the Mall Gorilla) but I think I’d stand a pretty good chance at avoiding the mamba. They’re fast and aggressive and will chase you but unless we started immediately beside each other I think my sneakers would have the terrain advantage over scutes.

fucking enamored with the implication that this gorilla is fully intelligent but is trying to manufacture plausible deniability like the movie barnyard

dude stop before i develop a strange and powerful fondness for you

His love for me was stored in his uterus. Too bad he had a hysterectomy ten days ago 😔