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[Homelander x Reader]

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These are the moments that make you forget just for a little while that the man you love is a monster.

These are the times that want you to almost believe in the lie.

It’s easier to pretend when there is no suit full of padded foam and the American flag surrounding him that this isn’t the one person who destroyes you in every waking moment of your life.

Your fingers lightly trail across warm skin as you try to memorize your boyfriend’s face.

The look of pure adoration in those endless blue depths is one that is only reserved for these moments, the ones where Homelander isn’t America’s favourite hero but just John.

You know your relationship over the last few years has developed into something toxic, an unhealthy relationship with an emotionally unstable man child who you can’t seem to stop loving.

When you’re laying together curled up the way you are in your bedroom it’s easy to forget the blood shed and violence that seems to follow him.

You know that the two of you can’t keep going on like this.

There is an unspeakable agreement between the two of you, all your horrible secrets shared in a promise of silence that neither of you would break.

These are times that you can pretend that you don’t crave the violence and power that comes with being his, that you’re not as just fucked up inside as he is.

“What are you thinking about?” His voice is so unsure and soft, different from the way Vought has trained him to be.

Within these walls and in your bed you can pretend that he is yours…. Atleast for a little while.

You can’t help but lean your forehead against his as you soak in his warmth.

“Of you.” It hurts to speak it out-loud so much that you know that pain will kill you one day, most likely being by his hand.

The answer brings a pink hue to creep its way up into his cheeks it’s a blush you so rarely see anymore.

You’re afraid that one day you may never see it again. The darkness that lurks beneath his skin and flows through his veins gets stronger with every moment.

You know that one morning you’ll make up and find yourself trapped with a soulless creature who capable to do much harm and hate.

How many times had others tried to convince you to leave him?

Mauve had stopped commenting on the growing patches of bruises that littered your skin After realizing you had no intention of leaving.

You knew that the only friend that you had leafy thought you were a fucking idiot for staying.

Dr. Vougelbaum had shown you tapes of Johns upbringing, of the experiments that Vought had ordered to be done against him in hopes that you could see the destruction that the hands that could caress you so gently, afraid that they would break you, could easily snap you into a million pieces.

Mr. Edgar had even offered to find a way for you to leave without Homelander ever finding you.

All of the times that you thought of leaving your sweet boy broke your heart in more ways that John ever could.

You had never claimed to be smart, maybe that’s why even though you knew you were one of those woman who stayed in an abusive relationship hoping their significant other would change you did in fact still stay.

How could you leave when you knew leaving would cause him to go down a path that would lead to destruction of innocents.

Atleast if you were here it seemed to remind him that even though it was buried under the praises and adorning fans that he wasn’t a god but still a human being.

The other part of you that had grown from negligence and from being unloved asked how could you leave when you know that no one would ever love you the way that he did?

You don’t hesitate as you press yourself closer to him fingers threading into his short locks as you press your lips against his.

If you close your eyes you can almost trick your mind into forgetting all the wrongs he has committed against you.

It’s so soft and innocent as he pulls you so close that you’re certain he would crawl inside you if you let him.

A single tear slips from your eye trailing down your cheek a show of hopelessness that you haven’t given him in a very long time.

A warm hand cups your cheek catching the tear in its tracks.

You’re afraid that if you open your eyes you’ll see the red eyed monster ready to pounce and consume you, feeding off your one moment of weakness.

Soft lips press against your eyelid, then against the tip of your nose then your forhead.

“I love you.”

You try to keep your body still not wanting to give into the lie.

He shifts, rolling on-top of you in one swift moment.

You barely feel his weight knowing that he’s trying to show you that he can be gentle when it suits him.

Your legs fall apart caging around his narrow hips. You think that if lay here and submit that he’ll stop lying to you.

The more you had been pulling away from him the last few weeks the more desperate he was to cling onto you.

That’s why you knew that when you had come home and he had been dressed so casually in jeans and a grey T-shirt that he was desperate to feel you the way that the two of you had once been.

“I need you.” It’s a fucked up lie that makes you shake your head as more tears fall hot down your face.

He only needs you when it’s convenient for him.

“I’d burn down the whole world if you left me. There would be nothing left to live for.”

It’s more lies that cause a heartbroken sob to fall from your chest.

You wish that he would just fuck you and get it over with.

This feels too intimate after everything he has done your heart is breaking into pieces with every confession.

You want to tell him that he’s an evil person for even thinking of it but the dark part of you that feeds off his takes pleasure in it.

Once you had thought you could fix that part of him.

You had a fucked up notion that even though you were an unimportant nobody that you could fix the shattered pieces of his psyche with your love but you know now that there is no fixing him.

After all you can’t compete with the thing he talks to whenever he looks into the mirror.

You try and invoke that evil wanting it to take over as you scrap your nails down his spine catching his lip bottom lip in between your teeth in a punishing kiss.

Your other hand slips between the two of you trying to find its way to the button of his jeans.

You think that if you just grab his cock it will unleash the red and keep you grounded in sanity.

Your body tenses as your wrist is caught a thumb rubbing the top of your hand in soothing circles before being guided to rest on the bed beside you.

An angry sob works its way through your throat as his face moves from yours, pressing into your neck inhaling your sent.

More of his weight presses down on you trapping you against the bed in the same way he has been keeping you trapped in this gilded cage he calls love.

The more you cry the tighter his grip becomes one hand fisting into your hair cradling your scalp the other wrapping around your waist.

You silently beg him to let you go with every soul wrecking sob that leaves you short of breath.

The truth is that there is only way you would ever be free of him and even then you know he would travel into whatever firey hell that waits you at the end and drag you back kicking and screaming.

You’re his and nothing will ever take you away.