lily

“you have to remember that i have five kids,” molly replied. “the good thing about being pregnant is you can use it to your advantage, though,” she said as she laughed. 

Five. Lily didn’t know how Molly did it, but the woman had to be a saint. “Right, but... still. Five kids -- do you ever get a babysitter and just go out with Arthur or anything? If anyone deserves a night off, it’s you,” she laughed. “What do you mean?”

andromeda laughed bitterly. had she been anyone else in the world lily might’ve been right. but she wasn’t anyone else, she was a black and being friendly with a muggleborn whether it was lily potter or ted tonks was becoming more and more of a crime by each passing day. “i don’t think my family would agree with that logic,” andromeda admitted, scoffing lightly; it was meant to sound like a laugh but even she had to admit it just sounded sad. she knew her parents were still planning on her succumbing to the fate they had chosen for her; to marry a pureblood wizard and continue the black bloodline. “i can’t imagine what you’re going through having to do that, i’m sorry lily,” the brunette sighed, unable to help the swell of guilt in her chest as lily spoke. andromeda was safe simply because who she was, perhaps she was not the perfect daughter but she was toeing the line just enough to remain protected by what it meant to have your picture on the black family tree. “i don’t think i’m the right person to give advice on staying safe, not to someone who is muggleborn,” andromeda sighed.

Andromeda brought up a good point. Lily had become too comfortable around Andromeda; she’d seen the woman as someone she could trust, someone she could open up to -- but at the end of the day, she was still the same person she’d always been, and from a family that largely didn’t support people like Lily, herself. “I suppose you’re right,” she conceded, now quieter than she’d been before. She kept her head down, trying to focus her thoughts on anything other than Androemda’s family. Unlike Sirius, Andromeda was still connected to the people who raised her. Even if she was the nicest person in the world, Lily couldn’t be certain that she was as trustworthy as Sirius, even if she wanted to believe she was. “No, you don’t have to be sorry. I mean, you’re not the one going out there into the streets, attacking Muggles and Muggleborns for no reason, right?” She almost had to laugh off how uncomfortable she felt. “Sorry, we can -- we can talk about something else, if you’d like. I know not everyone likes talking about... politics, or whatever...”

“um.” kingsley furrows his brows wondering how he wouldn’t have even noticed her there. he was usually so much more alert than usual. that was a rookie move of him and maybe he was far from being alright at this point but that didn’t matter anymore. he had seen her around a few times here and there just walking around this hour. he takes notes of things like that. he has heard of her name from a few other people but didn’t want to jump to conclusions if he were wrong. “i guess i’ve been kicked off my high horse a couple times these past few days but uhm–” he puts his wand underneath the sleeve of his cloak and adjusts himself to bare his surroundings. just the steps of the ministry of magic. everything is alright, he just lost a couple of papers, he can ask for a second copy later. “i’ve seen you around here…. haven’t i? i’m usually not like this, do you drink? let me make it up for you.” he says awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. lord, why was he so bad at this stuff?

She was less concerned with what had just happened, and more concerned about the fact that Kingsley seemed so off. She always admired how put together he seemed in the Order meetings -- how he never seemed to falter. Then again, Lily felt so unsure of everything lately that nearly everyone else felt steady in comparison. “I’m sorry that’s happening,” she offered. “Things are usually pretty... tame... in training, but... I know that feels... shitty, sometimes. Anything I can do?” She pulled her cloak around her body tight, almost out of nervousness that she couldn’t really figure out where it was coming from. “No, I -- I work at St. Mungo’s, but... sometimes I do come by to come visit people during lunch, y’know? So maybe? -- And I don’t really drink, not lately. But if you’d like, I’ll join you at a pub. I won’t say no to some chips.”

He couldn’t argue with that. Severus had never tried to stop the group of Slytherins he had hung around as a student, choosing to focus on his own needs instead. It had been difficult being a poor half-blood in a house that was so preoccupied with both blood status and social status. Had it not been his vast knowledge of curses and hexes and his skill with potions, he would have had nothing to curry favour with. Now away from the castle, he knew that was no excuse, but at the time it had seemed as good an excuse as any. But that was the thing with hindsight, wasn’t it? He shrugged. “What can I say? I’ve never had much to be happy about. It’s a foreign concept.”

“What makes you think I’m afraid? The only reason I haven’t made my way through yet is this delightful reunion.”

Lily bit down on her tongue to stop herself from lashing out any further. The last thing that she needed was to make a scene and draw attention to herself -- even when surrounded by a crowd, she never felt fully safe. Plus, Severus wasn’t worth the embarrassment. “Don’t take it out on the rest of us, then. Move on with your miserable self and just... go.” She didn’t want to stand there and argue with him; she wanted to move on. Perhaps it was time to move along herself -- to head back home to James, smoke a cigarette, maybe even have a drink. She hated the effect that even seeing him had on her. “Merlin, you know that’s just a phrase, right? I don’t think you’re actually afraid. It’s just another way of making a point and --” Why was she even bothering to explain herself? To argue with him? “Why even bother continuing this conversation, anyway? I know you have nothing to say to me that’s worth my time, anyway.”

“Thank you, Lils. That is exactly what I needed to hear. It would ruin my career, both with the Ministry and in the private sector. I’ll dump salt in his coffee instead. Then it will match his personality.” She took a long sip of her tea and a heavy sigh to calm herself. It had been an exhausting week. Time with a friend outside of the department was much needed. “I do hope your week has been better.”

Lily almost wanted to laugh, but she forced herself not to. “Really, any time, Al. I’ll save you from public humiliation any time.” Then, when Alice mentioned her new idea, Lily couldn’t help herself. She laughed, louder than intended, almost spilling her tea as her hand brushed up against the table. “God, Alice, I don’t know what I’d do without you. Like... nobody else has made me laugh in days.” She paused to take a sip from her tea. “It’s been... I don’t know. I haven’t been feeling great, and training’s just... sometimes I feel like it’s a waste of time, and other days I feel like I’m not good enough. Y’know what I mean? Do you ever get that way?”

status: open

location: m.o.m. front steps 

kingsley whom had just finished a meeting finally got out of the ministry of magic. his eyes felt like they were bleeding as he stuffed papers into his briefcase, though a few escaping he tries to grab them before the wind takes them. “dammit–” he mutters as he turns around and reaches into his pocket to pull out his wand and found himself pointing it directly at someone, loosing sight of the papers that he was trying to track down. bliinking slightly he buckles his briefcase together and pulls his wand away from the others chest. “um–” kingsley says clearing his throat. “you were not the reason why i pulled out my wand. you just happened to be there right when i turned around. sorry.” he says furrowing his brows in confusion as he awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck though his eyes still scanned the air to locate his missing documents. 

After work, Lily wanted to take a walk and try to find some way to relax, even though she knew she probably wouldn’t be able to. It was the effort that mattered. The walk was a symbol of trying, and trying was better than nothing. At least when she got home, she could tell James that she’d done something to stop herself from becoming an anxious wreck. She’d found herself outside the Ministry, and before she was able to continue on her way, she found a wand drawn and pointed directly at her. Lily took a few steps back, almost losing her balance as she did so. “I -- no, I’d hope not,” she joked, trying her best to make the light of what was a very awkward situation. “Don’t worry about it. Really. Are you -- okay? You seem... like you’ve had a long day.”

“They’re not my friends.” Never had been, really. They were convenient acquaintances at best. Severus had never really been much of one for friends, save for Lily he had always kept people at arms’ length. But that suited him. After all, people couldn’t hurt you if you didn’t let them in. He’d hurt her in the end, hadn’t he? That was something he could never take back, no matter how much he wished he could. Severus knew that Lily was better off without him. “It wouldn’t go amiss, I suppose.”

His brow furrowed. “It’s not as if I had intended on joining the crowd to specifically ruin their fun. I merely wanted to get to the Leaky Cauldron. Besides, I hardly think you need reminders for that.”

“And yet you did nothing to stop them from hurting people the way they did, did you? You chose them over anyone else every time. It doesn’t matter what you call them -- they’re your associates all the same.” She didn’t want to stay in the past. She wanted to move forward, to move on, to get away from all the hurt and the pain that she thought she worked so hard to just get over. “The rest of us deserve the chance to choose happiness. It’s nobody’s fault but yours that you can’t seem to do the same.” She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself and her nerves, which only seemed to grow. “Then push yourself through and get there already. What are you afraid of? You’ve never stopped yourself because you were afraid of being rude.”

andromeda had a feeling what lily thought and she had wanted things to be different. for her family to not be her family, for things to just be different and then maybe lily wouldn’t have been wrong in her assumption. “it’s okay, it’s not the most awful assumption i’ve ever heard about myself,” the brunette said with a faint smile, her voice almost filled with humour. a humour which died quickly. “i know, i heard… it’s not right,” andromeda shook her head, for all the times she kept her mouth shut around her family, for the risk she took in speaking up anywhere that it would get back to her mother or aunt, the brunette couldn’t help but show her disdain in that moment to lily evans, “i don’t mean to say that attacking muggleborns is in any way acceptable but this somehow feels worse, those muggles had no idea, no way to defend themselves… it’s just spiteful.” andromeda frowned, “are you being safe? both of you?”

Lily kept her head down, trying to eat quietly while the silence between herself and Andromeda grew. Things were awkward now. Lily silently chastised herself for assuming things she didn’t know to be true -- and then for voicing them aloud. She should’ve known better. It seemed like the more she opened her mouth, lately, the worse a situation she made for herself. “I suppose so. It isn’t a crime to be friendly,” she offered. She took another bite to keep herself from speaking. “No -- I wouldn’t think you meant that. Or, at least, if you did, that you’d say it to my face,” she offered, a small remnant of humor in her voice. “That’s part of why I’m staying out of Muggle London. I’m not even going home. I almost feel like... if I’m there, and if muggleborns aren’t careful right now, we’ll be accused of dual loyalty even more than we already are. And that’d put people I care about in danger on both sides.” She took a deep breath. “I don’t know if there’s really any way to be safe these days. Do you?”

“Doesn’t it?” Severus asked through gritted teeth, his tone flinty. “That’s news to me. Here I was, fully expecting everyone’s moods to mirror my own.” He drawled, his eyes rolling. He was nervous and was going on the defensive. It had always been a flaw of his - lashing out in ill-conceived attempts to regain control of a situation. He wanted to apologise again, make sure that she was content in her life but he wouldn’t. He couldn’t. Severus knew that an apology would never be enough, were she even to deign to listen, but he also knew that his pride wouldn’t allow the words to leave his lips again. “I’ll remember for next time.” His gaze settled on the ghastly puppet show, a grimace tugging at his mouth. Was this what they deemed entertainment these days? The antics of the puppets were beyond puerile.

The muscles in his jaw tightened. He’d never be able to understand what appeal James Potter held, Severus’ own memories far too tainted with the animosity that had always existed between them. “Mmm, let’s hope it stays that way.”

Lily wasn’t sure what she wanted. She’d hoped both that she’d never see Severus Snape again in her life and that this very day would come. Only, now that it had... she wasn’t happy with how it’d come about. He was just as angry and antagonistic as she’d remembered. But things were different now. The last time they’d spoken, she’d made it clear that she wouldn’t put up with his constant taunts or the people he hung around. Lily truly thought that he would’ve thought twice before speaking to her like this again. “Well, maybe some of your friends’ egos have rubbed off on you,” she offered. Maybe it would hit him somewhere it would hurt. “And what would you prefer? We all be miserable and petty?” “Is there anything else I can do for you? Or are you just here to pester people and remind me of all the good choices I’ve made since our friendship ended?”

At the sight of his former best friend Severus paled, his mouth going dry. Shit. This was very bad. Of all the people to run into, it had to be her? He could feel the guilt associated with her begin to claw its icy fingers up his spine. Closing his eyes, he took a breath, willing his occlumency shields into place, roughly shoving his emotions behind them. They could be dealt with later. Reopening his eyes, he fixed a smirk on his face. “Hardly Shakespeare now, is it? Hell, even those frightfully written Beedle the Bard stories are better than this dross.” He replied distastefully. He hadn’t seen her since graduation, and had fully expected it to stay that way. But that had been his fault, hadn’t it? He had razed their bridge to the ground four years ago.

“I believe that congratulations are in order, or is it commiserations?” A dark brow raised questioningly. “Mrs Potter, now, isn’t it?”

The mere sight of him made Lily’s blood run cold. She hadn’t seen him since they were in school together. It had been months -- years -- so why was it that he still managed to get this kind of reaction from her? Lily wondered if Severus could tell how panicked she was. He probably got some sort of satisfaction from it, if he did. “Just because the sight of other people enjoying themselves makes you sick doesn’t mean the rest of us should start making ourselves miserable all the time,” she snapped. She didn’t want to stoop to that level, but she could feel the years of pent up fury coming to the surface, taking over before she could do much of anything to stop it. “Whatever it is to you, that’s your problem, isn’t it?” She crossed her arms over her chest. “But yes, James and I are very happily married now.” Lily hoped hearing those words would be enough to make Severus turn tail and leave.

“i’m sure he’s fine,” andromeda hummed, lips curling into a slight smile, lips pressed together, “we’re just friends lily, i’m not sure i know any more than you do.” one thing andromeda did know was any further knowledge about ted tonks than hoping he was fine and well would get her burned off the family tree in her aunt’s house faster than walburga black could speak the incantation incendio. “maybe you should take james into muggle london for a shopping trip, make an adventure out of it.” she hummed.

Lily wondered if she’d made a mistake in asking about Ted. She could’ve sworn that Andromeda was friendly with him, at the very least. Perhaps they weren’t friends at all -- merely acquaintances that Lily had confused for something more. “Right, yes, you’re right. My apologies -- I thought -- nevermind.” She took another bite of her lunch simply to force herself to stop talking. “Oh, that’d...” She wanted nothing more than to go out into Muggle London, to visit her favorite shops with the person she loved most. “I don’t know if that’s safe right now. You heard about the attack, didn’t you? It was all over the news... maybe it’s best I don’t go back to Muggle London for a while. That I try and keep myself strictly... magical.”

location; diagon alley

Exiting Slug & Jiggers, Severus tapped the familiar pattern around the lock, setting the wards on the shop for the night. Could he have left earlier? Sure, but getting ahead on the next day’s brewing was preferable to spending an evening in the dingy worker’s cottage that he called home. As he made his way down towards the Leaky cauldron (the last thing he wanted to do tonight was cook - the pub fare would more than suffice) he spotted a crowd gathered around one of the empty shops. Now that was unusual. Curiosity piqued, he carefully made his way down the cobbled street, slowing as he reached the edges of the cluster. “Don’t tell me it’s another one of those awful puppet shows.” He sneered, craning his neck to gaze over the crowd.

Lily hadn’t meant to be drawn in by the crowd. She wanted to hurry home after her errands, spending as little time out and about as possible. Lately, she’d become increasingly anxious. She wasn’t feeling her best. People were becoming less and less predictable. The last thing that she wanted to happen was that she’d be caught out when another attack happened -- even if she knew good and well that she had enough training to defend herself. Nonetheless, the puppet show in the toyshop window was adorable, and she found herself just as captivated by it as all of the others who stopped outside. After a few minutes standing there, she heard a familiar voice behind her. Lily’s heart stopped -- only briefly -- and she felt her hand curl up into a fist. Nearly scowling, she turned to face the man she hoped she’d never see again.  “And is it so bad that it is? Some of us actually enjoy parts of life when we get the chance to.”

Alice added another spoonful of sugar to her tea. She wasn’t sure what number it was, but it mattered very little to her. It stirred itself as she brought it back to the table she shared with Lily in the small tea shop. Optimistically Alice gave the shop two more years. It was cute, but in a terrible location. She liked that it wasn’t packed with people. As much as she like people, sometimes it was nice to have a quieter place to converse. “Tell me it’s a bad idea to hex a superior. Talk me out of it. He’s beyond condescending and I can’t stand it, but I can’t lose my job.” @pctter-lily​

Although she enjoyed the company of James and his friends, sometimes it was nice to remember that she had friends of her own, too. Lily had to remind herself that it wasn’t selfish to do something just for herself. Between work, finishing setting up the cottage, and everything happening with the Order... it had been a while since she sat down to catch up with a friend outside of her lunch hour. “Well, I don’t necessarily always think it’s a bad idea,” Lily joked. “But you’re right -- it all depends on what you’re willing to lose if you do it. And losing your job, are you really ready to start looking for a new job? Especially with the reputation you’ll get if you do lose it from hexing him? You’d be blacklisted from pretty much anything at the Ministry...”