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“am i too late?”

❝Your cat… has it always had a German accent?❞

❝ It’s fucking RRAAAWWWWW! ❞ ❝ Fucking idiot. ❞ ❝ You best be jokin’. ❞ ❝ Don’t billshit me! ❞ ❝ Donkey! ❞ ❝ I wouldn’t feed that to my dog. ❞ ❝ I wouldn’t serve that on DEATH ROW! ❞ ❝ Come the fuck on! ❞ ❝ FUCK OFF! ❞ ❝ Tastes like it’s been microwaved. ❞ ❝ ITS FROZEN AND RRAAAWWWWW! ❞ ❝ YOU CAN’T STORE COOK MEAT AND RAW MEAT TOGETHER YOU FUCKING IDIOT! ❞ ❝ THOSE POOR BASTARDS! ❞ ❝ Disgusting! ❞ ❝ In fifteen minutes, I will clear all that furniture and put it back in my van. And this shit here, I’ll put it back in there. ❞ ❝ How the fuck did you burn ice-cream?! ❞ ❝ I’ll get you more pumpkin, and I’ll ram it right up your fucking ass. Would you like it whole, or diced? ❞ ❝ There is more olive oil on this than Popeye’s dick! ❞ ❝ You put so much ginger in this, it’s a Weasley. ❞ ❝ ____, You’re a first class cunt. ❞ ❝ Hey! Excuse me, Madam! Fuck me?! How about fuck you! ❞ ❝ I swear to god, this is the kind of shit you expect Tiger Woods to T-off with. ❞ ❝ If I tell you to get out there I don’t give a fuck if you got a thong up your fat crack. GET OUT THERE! ❞ ❝ Don’t whistle at me I’m not your fucking dog, you look more like a dog than I do. ❞ ❝ You’re cooking in a burned pan you fucking dick! ❞ ❝ I’m watching you like a fucking hawk, you know why? *Whispers in ear* I want you out. ❞ ❝ You seriously surprised me…. Of how shit you are. ❞ ❝ You act like the female version of Hannibal Lecter. ❞ ❝ I’m done standing here with a bunch of idiots. Fuck you all. ❞ ❝ What we are waiting on? I’M ON SOME FUCKING TALENT!! ❞ ❝ I’m calling out orders, and you’re confused! And you’re confused! And you’re at the end of your dick! ❞ ❝ It’s like a bison’s penis! What is that shit?! ❞ ❝ Right now? I rather eat poodle shit than put that in my mouth. ❞ ❝ Where’s the lamb SAUCE!? ❞ ❝ Fuck off you useless sack of fucking Yankee Danky Doodle shit. ❞ ❝ Fucking sue me. ❞

“i’m dying without you. when are you coming back?”

❛ i don’t need a date, i need cash ❜ ❛ say something, i’m giving up on school ❜ ❛ my love is like a candle, if you forget about me, i will burn your fucking house down ❜ ❛ if i die, my funeral is going to be the biggest fucking party and you’re all invited ❜ ❛ i’m too young to have this many embarrassing moments ❜ ❛ i’m very strong, i could fight off maybe 20 snails. 21 on a good day. ❜ ❛ turn off: being more attractive than me ❜ ❛ drugs? no thanks. the only ‘high’ i need is the natural rush you get form committing a murder ❜ ❛ occupation: the family disappointment ❜ ❛ if you can’t beat them, dress better than them ❜ ❛ do you ever just realize that you’re not a good person? ❜ ❛ everything always happens so much ❜ ❛ listen, i did mean to make you upset and i do think your opinions are shit ❜ ❛ which is messier: my life or my hair? ❜ ❛ i’m tired 8 days a week ❜ ❛ i use humor to cover up the fact that i want to jump off a bridge ❜ ❛ let’s play ‘how rude can i be until you realize i don’t like you’ ❜ ❛ why am i awake? who summoned me? ❜ ❛ i just want good eyebrows and maybe a new face ❜ ❛ for someone who pretends to have no emotions whatsoever i’m really sensitive ❜ ❛ i haven’t made any bad decisions lately and i’m getting bored ❜ ❛ studies show that i am, in fact, in a perpetual state of given’ ‘em the old razzle dazzle ❜ ❛ i came out tonight to get attacked and honestly, i am having such a fun time right now ❜ ❛ is your heart supposed to pound for ten minutes straight after you answer one question in class?  ❜ ❛ no, you are not as funny as me. stop trying. ❜ ❛ it is very important that i am both cute and powerful ❜ ❛ how do you politely tell someone that you want them naked on top of you? ❜ ❛ if i were a bird, you’d be the first person i’d shit on ❜ ❛ raise your hand if you’re a lil bit of an asshole ❜ ❛ i may be a shitty friend, but i’m your shitty friend ❜ ❛ my last word will probably be either ‘whoops’ or ‘shit’ ❜ ❛ pro tip: instead of having feelings, try being dead inside. everything is still horrible, but you will not care at all. ❜ ❛ i get butterflies thinking about myself ❜ ❛ i love you and i’m glad you exist. i’m so happy you’re alive. ❜ ❛ if you’re reading this, i’m beautiful ❜ ❛ your body is 60% water and i’m thirsty ❜ ❛ sorry, i wasn’t ignoring you. i was just watching 7 seasons and 54 episodes of this new show i found. ❜ ❛ how do you find a soulmate when you have no soul? ❜ ❛ is it rude to kill yourself in the middle of class? ❜ ❛ one of these days i’m going to roll my eyes so hard that i’m going to go blind ❜ ❛ i think my parents would yell at me if i died ❜ ❛ i’m having a great time this year. time passes irregularly and i’m disappointing my parents. ❜ ❛ be the villain you were born to be. stop waiting for someone to come along and corrupt you. succumb to the darkness yourself. ❜ ❛ i’m sick of the government reading but never liking my statuses ❜ ❛ my new year’s kiss is going to be a shot of vodka ❜ ❛ i feel so bad for my exes, like imagine losing me ❜ ❛ look, i’m a nice person, but i’m not here to take your shit ❜ ❛ is there an award for fucking up the most times? because if so, crown me the winner ❜ ❛ i’m always a slut for lying in bed for hours on end and doing nothing productive ❜ ❛ at least i can admit that i’m a piece of shit ❜ ❛ no offense, but i’m a blessing to this earth ❜ ❛ lets talk about the universe and make out ❜ ❛ how do people wake up in the morning feeling refreshed? ❜ ❛ are you a piece of art? because i’d like to nail you up against a wall ❜ ❛ true bonding is when you and your friends are all angry about the same thing ❜ ❛ i doubt vodka is the answer, but it’s worth a shot ❜