You Can Never Wear Too Much Highlighter

name: Paxton Argent age: 23 birthday: June 21st gender: cis Male sexuality: Pansexual faceclaim: Dylan Sprouse height: 5′11"

TW: suicide attempts, suicidal thoughts, death, depression,

Oliver laughed at the obvious flirting and shook his head. He didn’t think he was any good at the flirting part of things. For the most part he just liked to go with the flow and if he was vibing with someone then he was vibing with someone. And sure he was really hopeful that he would continue vibing with Paxton, but he was trying hard not to force anything. Still it was nice to be flirted with. “I’m alright. Went to a class with Neptune and found out it’s basically couples therapy for people and their service dogs,” he laughed and shrugged his shoulders. “No rush, I’ve got all night. We can drive slow,” Oli smiled at Pax. He sort of got the feeling Paxton wasn’t too keen on driving, both from things he’d said in the past to the way he seemed a little bit tense now.

Paxton almost hated how much he liked Oli because he was absolutely terrified of what it meant. Whether Oliver knew it or not, he now held the ability to absolutely crush Pax with very little effort. It wasn’t Oli’s problem, Pax was the one that had to be strong enough if things went haywire, but it was still scary to think about. “Oh really? Good to know. I hope you could happily find a middle ground where you both feel loved and heard,” Pax teased. He started off down the road again, forcing himself to take a few deep breaths to quell the anxiety that was rising in his chest. “Perfect because I don’t know how to drive fast,” he barely knew how to drive, but that probably wasn’t a great thing to say right now, “I’m excited about tonight.” Hopefully Oli knew that already, but it didn’t hurt to say.

He nodded softly. “Ye’re allowed to be hurt. An’ it sounds like a very long, an’ tiring relationship.” Val agreed. He didn’t know enough about this situation to properly weigh in, and he didn’t want to feed any resentment Pax already had for his brother. It sounded like he definitely didn’t need help with that. He sighed, standing up. “Gettin’ some wine. But listen, clearly I don’t know all the details. Only you an’ Rusty do. But sounds like there’s a lot a shit to go through. Maybe a counseling session or a therapist for the both a you would work. Might be helpful, for you AND for him, y’know?” He pointed out, following the wall with one hand back to the kitchen. “Did he know? That y’tried to kill yourself three times?” He asked, carrying the bottle into the living room and sinking back onto the sofa, drinking straight from it because he didn’t very much care at this point. “So… okay. Let’s try somethin’ different. What’s he done recently, t’prove he’s trying? What’re the positives?”

“Yeah, it is, and I’m just...so tired.” Pax was always tired because his mind was running at mach 9 at all times. He didn’t expect Val to care, or have answer sfor him, Pax was just tired of being alone. Rusty had Matt to vent to, be around, be with, share his life with, and Pax had Pax. That was all he had for the past nearly ten years and it was wearing on him. “Those are the only details you really need to see why I’m...this way,” Pax didn’t want to be annoyed, but talking about Rusty made him that way. Especially when people tried to get him to see Rusty’s point of view, because he already had it and didn’t care. “I’ve had a therapist for years, I doubt he’d get a therapist, and he knew I was in the hospital. My adoptive parents called his social worker who told his parents, who told us they told him. I asked him to come see me, and he wouldn’t,” Pax shook his head, “We went to his NA meeting and he tried to own up to some of the shit he did. First he argued about it, and then we argued after we went becaus of something new.”

This clearly was a source of major contention in Pax’s life, and Val wondered how it actually went between the two of them. Val didn’t know either exceedingly well- he texted Pax on occasion and they’d spent one evening together, and he’d met Rusty in passing once as well. “I’m jus’ trying to look at it from the outside, y’know? I guess my question would be, from hearin’ how you feel, an’ how hurt you still are… what would he need t’do, for you two t’start making progress?” Val asked curiously, taking a long sip from his margarita after, finishing most of it. “HAVE you made progress? D’you think he’s trying t’be better? Is it worth all this? Or d’you think you’d rather move away from it an’ go separate ways? I’ll tell you, me an’ my sister Benna have had fights. I used t’drink an’ do harder drugs than the soft shit I do now. An’ I was shitty t’her. But… I worked on it, y’know? And it was up to her, to decide if she wanted t’be around me and accept me again.”

Paxton was starting to realize he might have to explain because it wasn’t just Rusty’s history with drugs that was causing problems. Even if they were the main ones recently. “I think he is, but he also doesn’t change in so many ways. Whenever I get upset with him, he gets defensive and starts trying to get to me in ways that will hurt my feelings, and me. A lot of the time it doesn’t feel worth it,” he sighed, “When we were fifteen, our parents died in a car accident. I was in the car, Rusty wasn’t. I ended up almost dying in the hospital, but he never came to see me...I didn’t see him for almost seven more years because he requested that we be adopted separately, so he wouldn’t have to see me. Then I tried to kill myself three times and he never bothered to come. Then everything with the drugs and how I’ve never mattered to him...he’s tired of me being mad at him, I know that, but I was so hurt. I just need him to be nice to me, to stop constantly proving to me that he hasn’t learned.”

Val didn’t know the full story, obviously. He knew Rusty had done a lot to hurt Pax. And that was always important to remember. He frowned. “…I mean. Regardless of if you were in the right for not wantin’ to be his best man, I would understand why that would make him cry, y’know?” He pointed out gently. “That’s… definitely a cry-worthy thing.” He shook his head. “Not sayin’ you did anythin’ wrong. You’re totally allowed t’say no to bein’ their best man.” The verbage was certainly… harsh. “Worships? Who’s stepping on you? What specifically are y’talking about? ‘s hard to follow, I guess, when I don’t know much about it. I mean… y’told me he was shitty t’you in the past. And he’s making an effort now, which is good. Doesn’t mean he deserves it, but. Y’know, progress is good. Baby steps. So… why d’you think people are stepping on you? Are people sayin’ shit to you? Or treating you badly?” He was just trying to get to the root of the problem. Trying to understand.

“I know it is, and that’s why I can’t tell if I’m in the right or wrong about it, because I don’t care. Why do I have to care every time I hurt him, but he only has to care about hurting me when it’s inconvenient to him? He says he’s trying to make up for absolutely abandoning me after our parents died, but he always does something shitty to cancel it out,” Pax mumbled. He didn’t want to explain the intimate details of what had happened, but if Val wanted clarification, then Paxton would give it. “He’s trying, but I also don’t know if he is. He’ll do good things and immediately do bad things, but...everybody that meets him thinks he’s the best person in the world. Then they compare me to him every time I show up, and when I ask them to stop, they basically tell me they don’t believe me about him not being great. I’ve spent years curating my drag persona so I don’t have to be Rusty’s twin...and all I ever am is Rusty’s twin. I’m so tired.” He sniffled.

Val had only met Rusty the one time, so he really had no clue about how he was around his brother. Clearly a lot of hurt had been caused, and they’d had issues in the past, due to his addictive habits. “How’d y’make him cry?” Val asked, taking another sip of his margarita and leaning his face into his hand, getting comfortable on the sofa. “And d’you feel bad about what you said? Or was it somethin’ you were just bein’ honest about?” He brushed his curls out of his face. “Well. His fiancé’s one a the people who loves him most. Obviously if he’s upset, he’s gonna try an’ diffuse the situation. An’ he’s gonna care about his fiancé, I mean, he’s gonna marry him.” He chuckled. “Who said you were the lesser twin?” 

“I...told him that I wasn’t interested in being the best man at his wedding anymore.” Paxton knew how harsh it sounded, and even winced to himself as he said it, but he had been in the heat of the moment when it came out. Now, he wasn’t sure how to go about it because things hadn’t really been resolved. They hadn’t talked once since the argument and Pax didn’t know how to go about that either.  “Yes, and no, to both questions. It was something I should have thought more about saying because I was angry when I texted him, but I was also being honest,” the situation was just awful, “I know that, and Matt doesn’t want anybody to hurt, so he’s trying to help,” Pax sighed, “Everybody. Everything in my life that worships the ground he walks on and steps on me.”

Rusty continued to frown, despite the strange sense of emotion he felt at Paxton’s admission. He hadn’t considered the fact that he might have been scared too. It was difficult to suddenly realise that. They didn’t say they loved each other very often, for good reason. Even if it was still somewhat true, their relationship had been fractured and tainted and permanently damaged by his own selfish behaviour. To hear Pax say it, even in the past tense, meant more than he could ever put into words. “I’m allowed to be angry.” He said, his voice firm but devoid of his more burning frustration. “I’m allowed to need time to process. You just gave me some… I didn’t know Dad. Don’t you get that? You’re telling me I didn’t know our dad, that we had this- this awful thing in common, this thing that nearly destroyed me, and… I didn’t know.” He swallowed, his eyes stinging as he fought to hold back his tears. 

Absentmindedly pulling tobacco out of the cigarette, it fell to the table and began to collect in a pile. It was a good excuse to avoid eye contact, even if he was making a mess. “I know I was.” He said finally. “I know I was, okay? But I’m not that person anymore… I’m trying so fucking hard, Pax. I don’t want to lose you again, I want to be there for you- I just don’t know how.” He let out a huff of breath, his tears finally breaking free and running down his cheeks. “I don’t think you realise how- how hard this is to hear. My whole life has revolved around this and now I’m finding out there was a huge piece of information that I was missing and I need to deal with that- I need to figure that shit out. I thought it was me, I thought I was broken. Why can everyone else stop at one drink if they want to, you know? And I can’t say no- I couldn’t say no to a fucking Four Loko and I know it isn’t an excuse but now I have a reason- some kind of explanation, at least. But knowing Dad was like this- knowing I never got to talk to him about it- I’m… I’m never going to get to talk to him again-” He broke off, his expression crumbling as he choked back a sob. 

“I’m not mad at you-” His voice was shaking, barely louder than a whisper as he struggled to keep his composure. “I’m mad at everything-” Reaching up to scrub at his face with the sleeve of his sweater, he eventually dropped it back onto the table with a little more force than necessary. The pain in his wrist was grounding. “This wasn’t my first night trying to earn back your trust.” He reminded his brother. The past year had been a steady pattern of attempting to apologise, to show he had changed, and then arguing, only to start all over again. “I’ve been trying to fix things since I got clean, you know I have. But every attempt is just- disregarded when I make a mistake or do something wrong.” The cigarette finally empty, he began to pull apart the paper, tearing it into shreds until only the filter was left. “What?” He asked, his anxiety obvious even to himself. “What do you want to know?”

“Yes, you’re allowed to be angry, but you’re getting angry and taking it out on me, and that isn’t fair. You’re saying things hurt me because you’re pissed off and that’s not ok.” Pax didn’t think Rusty was doing it on purpose, but it happened a lot when they tried to communicate and he was sick of leaving the conversation crying because he thought Rusty figured he was a piece of shit. It was beyond frustrating, and all he wanted to do was shut off the emotion that wanted his brother in his life, but he had never figured out how. “You knew Dad. You knew the Dad we were supposed to know, and that they wanted us to know. You’ve got the better end of the stick in terms of some memories, and not going out to dinner with them and worrying when Mom ordered wine. You have this awful thing in common, but you knew him.”

 “Yes, you’re trying, but if the mistakes, and the fuck ups, and bitching at me, outweighs the good things you’ve done, then yeah, it’s hard to see that you’re trying. I also think some of the things you view as trying, like...picking my up from the hospital and taking me home...that memory has been tainted by you turning around and stealing my prescription. It’s like they cancel out because I have to sit here and wonder if you picked me up because you wanted to help me, or because you thought you could get something out of it.” Part of Pax wanted to laugh when Rusty started mumbling about not being able to talk to their parents again, because it was all too real for him. If he had any colder of a heart, he would have laughed, but he never did. He couldn’t make himself no matter how many times the world shoved him down and stomped on him. “Do you at least understand now how I felt waking up in a hospital, realizing I’d never talk to them again, never see them again, that all I wanted was them...and you were all I had left, so I asked for you? Begged for you...and you didn’t come. I’m sorry you don’t get to talk to Dad about this, but I do understand how that feels, and we could have talked about it. So yes, I do realize how hard this is to hear.”

“That’s fine, but again, you can’t take your anger out on me. That isn’t fair.” Pax sighed and turned his head the other way, looking out the window now. “A lot of the time, you do a good thing, and immediately follow it up with something that undermines what you’ve just done. Like, things that are directly in relation to the good thing. Like the time you picked me up with stealing my shit, being nice to me, then finding out people worship the ground you walk on and couldn’t care less about my life, giving me back your pills...was never really a great thing if we’re being honest. Even if the mistakes aren’t your fault, like the whole...whatever the fuck his name is thing, it’s not easy to separate it because you have hurt me,” he sighed, “It’s not discarded, it’s tainted, but...I just want to know if you think I’m a shitty person? Because you really seem to act like it when you’re mad at me. Which leads me to believe that’s how you really feel.”

“Well, it sounds like you omitted some pretty important information.” Rusty snapped. He glared at his brother, knowing he was essentially being given an ultimatum. If he didn’t cooperate he would never know, so he held his anger in. Projecting through his expression, his set jaw, as he crossed his arms over his chest. “What story do you have, Paxton? What story did you decide I didn’t need to know?” He demanded. He was fuming, desperate to shout, but his hands were bound by his need for the information. If he didn’t at least try to control himself he knew Paxton wouldn’t be above walking away. 

“How am I supposed to know? You didn’t give me the chance to find out.” He countered. What if things had been different? What if his parents had known how bad things were? Would they have helped him? Pushed him onto a different path? And what if Paxton had told him? Maybe he could have asked his father for advice? It could have changed nothing but it could have changed everything. “I am taking responsibility, we just spent the entire fucking evening talking about how I’m taking responsibility.” Raising his eyebrows at the mention of them both being prone to addiction, he scoffed, unable to help himself. “Oh, yeah? Tell me when you last self-harmed, Pax? At least I’ve given my addiction up. I’m so fucking tired of being the bad guy. You think because people don’t know about your problems they’re suddenly okay? There’s no difference between what you do and what I used to do- it’s all means to a fucking end.” 

Taking a deep breath, he dropped back against his seat. He wasn’t sure what to do. Everything in him was screaming at him to do something. To leave, to shout, to cry… his thoughts were running too quickly for him to fully process them. All he knew was that he hurt, he felt betrayed. “You’ve done a lot for me? I’ve done a lot for you too!” He pointed out. “You think any of this is easy for me? That it comes naturally to sit in a group of random addicts and talk about my feelings? I’m trying Paxton! I did that for you- for us!” Running a hand through his tangled hair, he pulled a cigarette from his pocket, needing something to do with his hands. He couldn’t light it but just holding it provided a pathetic amount of comfort. “Just tell me- tell me what you know so I can leave.” 

“Yup, I guess I did, I was scared, and young, and didn’t really know what it meant...watching my brother go through something I didn’t really understand but I wanted to help because I loved him.” Paxton wasn’t sure why he was bothering to explain anything anymore. He always did this, went into things with either his heart on his sleeve or something he thought was important, and tried to explain his way out of it when things turned back on him. One day, he’d realize it didn’t matter. Maybe that was today. “You know, I’m not sure I should even bother explaining my reasoning, because all you want is to be mad at me.Fine, be mad at me.” Pax just wanted to shut down.

Paxton looked away from his brother and closed his eyes. Tonight had started out so well, no matter how bristly they’d been at the meeting, it was a step in the correct direction, but they were back here again somehow. “I didn’t say you didn’t take responsibility. I know you did that tonight, I said if you had this information, I don’t think you would have. Those are two very different statements.” Then, Rusty went after him. Of course he did, because Rusty did two things during a discussion that wasn’t going his was. Get defensive, then lash out. If he was hurting, then he had to make you hurt to. Pax could feel himself shutting down, and he wanted to cry, but he didn’t want to give Rusty the satisfaction. “Two months,” he whispered. Rusty wasn’t actually looking for an answer, and Pax knew that, but he didn’t care. “You might be tired of being the bad guy Rusty, but you were the bad guy for a very long time, and it’s going to take a long time to prove that you aren’t. That’s not my fault, even if you want to be mad at me for it.”

The more Rusty grew angry with him, the more tired Pax felt. He had enough emotional strain tonight, and it seemed like they weren’t going to be giving up on it any time soon. “Really, Rusty? You think one night of owning up to your shit is doing a lot for me? Compared to the things you did to me and the things I’ve done for you over the years? It’s a long time since you’ve done things for me, not to me. And no, I don’t think this is easy, and I know you did this for us, but one or two nights of doing this, doesn’t automatically fix things, and I don’t know if you realize that.” Pax was trying not to be so quiet Rusty couldn’t hear him, but he also wanted to sit in silence. “Then maybe I should just go and save us both from the heartache, but I have a question for you first.”

paxtonsilver​:

Oli didn’t go on very many dates anymore. He wanted to but it just didn’t seem to be in the cards for him usually. It was difficult to explain to people that he was interested in that he was going to go really hard with their friendship before ever making any kind of move, and the people that were his friends didn’t really want him making those types of moves. He had tried dating before but usually the people he dated became bored or made the assumption that he was bored before anything could really come of it. But then came Pax, who seemed not to mind potentially becoming more than friends now that they were already friends. Since it had been a while since he’d dated though he had taken a lot of time to try and get himself ready, both physically and mentally. Still he wasn’t sure about the black skinny jeans and too-loose button down he’d chosen, and he fiddled with his leather bracelets as he waited outside for Paxton to pick him up. He’d left Neptune home with the roommate and it was stressing him out a little bit, though he didn’t know why. He’d made it this long without a service dog and he knew he’d probably be just fine. He smiled as he got into the passenger’s seat, leaning over to kiss Paxton’s cheek gently. “Hey! How’s it going?”

There was a lot for Paxton to be nervous about tonight, one being that he was driving, two was that he was driving with a license that wasn’t technically his, three was he was on a date, and four was he was on a date with Oli. For some people, that might make being on a date easier, but to Pax, that raised the bar significantly. Not only did he have to impress Oli on a date level, but if he failed in too many ways, their friendship was at risk. He didn’t think Oliver would stop being his friend because of this, but it could potentially make things so awkward that their friendship dissolved. That was the absolute last thing he wanted, so he was doing he best to impress. “Hey,” Pax smiled at the little kiss and leaned over to kiss Oliver’s forehead, “It’s going pretty well, better now that you’re here with me. How about you?” Paxton was rather tempted to give Oli a proper kiss, but he didn’t want to rush the steps here and ruin things before they even started. “So our destination is about half an hour away, assuming no traffic.” Pax had his fingers crossed that there was no traffic because he was planning to avoid highways at all costs. They triggered his anxiety more than anything in the world.

paxtonsilver​:

Rusty stayed quiet, listening to Paxton talk about his ex boyfriend. On another day, maybe he would find the decision admirable. It showed strength, after all. He could see that even now. But he couldn’t seem to focus on anything other than his comment on their parents, it was all consuming. Watching as his brother walked over to a booth and took a seat, he felt a surge of anger when he was instructed to sit. No way was he going to be given orders, not if what he thought Pax was implying might be true. But it didn’t take him long to realise that if he continued to hover in the doorway, he wasn’t going to be given the answers he needed. Torn between wanting to storm out, and begrudgingly join the table, his burning curiosity eventually overpowered him and he took the seat opposite his twin. 

His jaw set, he clenched his fists in his jacket pockets, his blood beginning to boil at the explanation. Stay calm or I’m not telling you. How was he supposed to stay calm? “No,” he muttered, pushing back against his seat, shaking his head as he struggled to process. “No- no, this is some kind of cosmic fucking joke, it’s bullshit.” He snapped. “You’re lying.” He wasn’t sure why Paxton would lie, deep down he knew there would be no reason for him to do so. But it hurt. Everything hurt. He knew he had let down his parents in a million ways, but this was a new way. A new way he would have disappointed them. What would they have thought if they knew he was spiralling? What would they have done? The harsh punishment they had given him for being caught with weed in his bedroom suddenly made sense. They were scared. They had died scared for him. “You mean like- like Matt? Like fucking meetings and tokens and- no-” He could feel tears forming in his eyes and he hurried to blink them away. “All this time I was the problem child- I was making bad decisions, completely out of control and nobody told me I was genetically predisposed! All this time you let me believe I was just some fuck up, that everything was my fault- are you fucking kidding me, Paxton?”  

Paxton could already see Rusty starting to get fired up and he wasn’t going to play that game right now. Not after everything he had done for his brother tonight, all the listening, and understanding, and forcing himself not to get overly upset and yell. If Rusty didn’t take a deep breath, Pax had absolutely no problem leaving. He was so tired of the arguing, and the constant walking around eggshells regarding his emotions and history with Rusty. Nothing could be said candidly because Rusty would jump on the defensive, like he did the minute he opened his mouth. It made his blood boil because he had lived with this knowledge for years, it had torn him apart for years, and Rusty dared to try and bitch at him because of it? Pax wasn’t going to take it and he wasn’t afraid to leave.

“You don’t think I realize it’s bullshit, Rusty? I am not lying, I have never lied to you a day in my life, but if you want to hear the rest of this story, you are going to sit down, shut up, and listen to me. Without getting angry. Get over yourself. Not everything in the fucking world is about you all the damn time, especially this. I understand it hurts your feelings that I didn’t tell you, but I didn’t tell you for a lot of reasons. One of them being that I don’t have the full story,” he struggled not to roll his eyes, “Do you really think knowing you were genetically predisposed for this shit would have changed anything? You picked up all sorts of drugs and habits without knowing. The only thing that would have changed by having this information is you would have accepted even less blame for your actions. We wouldn’t be allowed to blame you for what you’ve done becuase you were genetically predisposed to addiction, but you know who else is? Me. I’m not in your position, so actually, this changes nothing for you and the decisions you made. That all being said, you can either take a deep breath, calm down, and hear what I have to say, or I am leaving. I’ve done a lot for you tonight going to your meeting and being nice, so you do this for me or I’m out. I’m not playing the blame game with you.”

paxtonsilver​:

“Messy?” Val asked curiously, sitting close to Pax and letting his brow furrow. “What’s goin’ on?” Pax had, after all, said he wasn’t doing too well in their text conversation, so that was partially why he was asking how Pax was doing. “I’m fine. A bit exhausted, a little overworked. But sounds like you’re goin’ through it.” Val turned more towards Pax’s voice, taking another long sip of the fancy margarita he’d made. “Mm… so it’s about your brother again? Did you two have a fight or something?”

“Rusty and I argue a lot, and when we do, it gets very bad very quickly. I get angry, and he gets defensive. So what tends to end up happening is I yell at him and instead of listening to me, responding calmly to defuse the situation, figuring out, and moving on, he yells back. Then I get mad, he gets mad, and we end up saying bad things to each other,” Pax sighed and took another sip of his drink, “Apparently I made him cry. To the point that his fiance texted me...but I’m just tired. Everybody worships the ground he walks on and I don’t get it. I don’t know why I’m always the lesser twin.”