reading adwd for the first time and the lost lord is one of the most upsetting asoiaf chapters iβve read so far. jonconβs story is essentially not his story, right. itβs the story of the son of the man he loved, and also, ultimately, a story about hiding. joncon disguises himself, and faegon, lemore and tyrionβall for a greater purpose of getting young griff onto the iron throne. but we also see how he hides things that serve no purpose at allβsave keeping him from being utterly alone. jonconβs story as a gay man is hinted subtly (as most queer identities in asoiaf are) but the lost lord does not shy away from how much he loved the men heβs lost (rhaegar and myles) and how much he feels responsible for both their deaths (despite it not really being his fault at all). itβs hard for him to deal with the impotence those tragedies project into him, so he takes control back by blaming himself. he canβt control who he loves, either. that ought to be his fault, too. and now heβs sick with a thing, an evil thatβll take control of his limbs and his lungs and his heart. utter madness as the fate for someone so adamant on affirming their control. thatβs brutal. thatβs insane.
greyscale as a disease usually reminds me much more of leprosy in terms of symptoms but in the specific context of jon conningtonβs story, the hiv allegory feels very intentional. how cruel to see griff blame himself for his loversβ deaths. how monstrous to have him see the skull of a friend hanging from the walls when he knows he doesnβt have much time left. he counts the months and years. he grabs the pieces the men he loved left behind when they fell apart. two years. time enough to cross the sea as myles toyne dreamt. maybe five. time enough to put rhaegarβs son upon the iron throne. some stone men live for ten. yeah, of course jon connington wears gloves. itβs the greyscale, obviously. but also that heβs gay and angry and grieving. because heβs trying to bury every single one of these things down. itβs because of rhaegar and myles and loss and loneliness, too. being surrounded by community and not really belonging to it.
