NOT A WAVE

                    ezra knew a guy, he’d said as an early promise of the night; a precursor to something extraordinary bound to happen. he knew a guy who was twenty-two and would buy them booze ( not that there wouldn’t be enough floating around for them to mooch off of, & stevie already had a proven ability to get her and ezra free beers by kissing the guy who held them ) ( it’d happened ONCE, however, right before ezra decided he’d rather be sober than watch his girlfriend do that ). seeing as her own boyfriend had yet to turn twenty-one, and his chances of being carded were often at the flip of a coin, it was a good idea for someone else to do it, on nights they simply didn’t feel like trying. tonight was one of those nights.

                    …unfortunately for her. because other men just COULD NOT be trusted. not when it came to stephanie rose’s needs & wants. for there she was, having asked for a bottle of red, not specifying where to get it or the amount of body she’d like – and they hadn’t delivered. she felt pathetic, standing there with JUG WINE ( a fucking jug of wine? why the fuck was that even a thing? ), a crazy straw sticking out of it. she’d hoped, at the very least, for something cheap that tasted strained through a coffee filter & left open overnight. what she got tasted – admittedly – sweet and significantly better than she expected, yet stephanie couldn’t hide her own distaste as she sipped slowly, watching the thin crimson liquid travel up through the loops and swirls of the straw. a little something fun for you, they’d said, before the two men ran off to say hi to some people and hopefully talk to the band before they went on.

                    it was almost dangerous, drinking something that tasted so sweet. subconsciously, she supposed, it was why she almost preferred harsher flavors – amber spirits that made you cough, that were to be tossed back quickly before they settled in your mouth. they were QUICK and to the point. they got the job done with the least amount of fuss – EFFICIENT. drinks like margaritas or martinis ( or sweet wines ) were too fun. they brought you back in for more, and when you can’t taste the alcohol, you forget you’re consuming it. & so she sipped absently.

                    it was then that her eyes began to wander. there was only so much for stevie to do as she waited in line for the bathroom – something people seemed to linger in, seeing as it was unisex, and she was sure she’d wind up having to piss in a sink. it wouldn’t surprise her, certainly. & considering she’d never been great with small talk, she hadn’t bothered to try with any strangers. whether or not she needed more friends. that was a subjective opinion, anyway. so when someone stood behind her, the line condensed and forcing bodies close to each other as the small venue filled, she paid no mind. the overhead lighting, transitioning from a purple glow in certain areas to green or red bulbs in others, dim enough to bathe the area with a darkness just bright enough to see in, yet low enough to induce a certain aura of intimacy between individuals, held her attention. there wasn’t live music yet; just something playing over the speakers that she vaguely recognized. some 90′s american band, she assumed, judging by the insistent guitar and drum riffs.

                    just as she craned her neck to count how many people were ahead of her ( if it was over eight, she’d just go do her business outside ), the girl behind her spoke. it took a moment for stevie to realize she was addressing her. she had to turn to shake her head and lean in.

                 ❛     PARDON?— i didn’t quite catch that, sorry.

                She wanted to drink him in, get hooked on him instead of the buzz of the night, but he had other things to do. Mingle, keep things light, practice, get his liquid confidence running through his veins. It was something she was used to, all these Friday nights she gets lost in his sound and forgets that he isn’t just playing for her. It’s a shame, but the crowd kept her entertained and it beats spending another night in that empty house. Taking her by the chin, he pressed a kiss to her lips and said the words he always told her before parting: be good.

               The words came out like a purr, something innocent but coaxed with bad intentions. He always knew how to keep her just where he wanted her to be – on her toes, always waiting for more. Rory stood as she watched him walk away and immerse into the sea of people, knowing good and well that she wouldn’t be seeing much of him until he stood on stage. She sighed softly, tossed her golden locks back and wiped the corners of her mouth for any stray lipstick. Rory always made it a point to spend ample time considering how she looked when attending these shows in a part of the city her parents most likely refuse to step foot in. She never wanted to overdo it, accidentally show the wealth she came from. But lord, did she want to look good for him. So, she found a balance and consequently shrugged older men away as they flocked to her with free drinks and whispers of not-so sweet nothings.

               While waiting in line for the bathroom, she held a stale beer given to her by the very bartender. He always had a thing for her, noticing her every time she came out to the show. Kyle nearly picked fights with him by the end of the set, slurring on his own words and threatening him for just looking at Rory in a certain way. It was a bit childish, yet it in those times she truly felt like his. Maybe that was wrong, but she was young and naïve with no intentions on being right. She knocked back what was left of her drink and crushed the plastic cup stained with her lipstick before tossing it over near a trashcan against the other wall. The line didn’t seem to be moving, but that wasn’t too surprising.

               Looking at the girl in front of her, who seemed even more impatient than herself, she couldn’t help but to wonder what she was doing there. Rory hadn’t seen her around, not that she even knew everyone who came to these things. Still, in her buzzed mentality, she deemed the stranger interesting just like that.

               “I said,” she repeated, a bit louder over the rumble of music, “this line never moves. No telling what’s going on in that bathroom.”

          “i ain’t got nothin anywhere. my family, i’d end up just hurtin’ them if they see me like this. i wanna be on my own,” he continues, swallowing. nevertheless, his voice remains firm. there’s no changing his mind. “i wanna see if i can find a place here and just… be with you. i’m willin’ to take that chance. it’s all i got, you’re all i got.”

               His words take a moment to settle within her. She almost can’t comprehend them. He wants to stay for her? Did he really feel that strongly for her? Why couldn’t she see it all this time? Absentmindedly, she brought her fingers up to his bicep and she grazed the pad of her thumb against his skin gently. Looking up at him, she spoke quietly, “I’m willing to take that chance with you. Be with you…” And then the unexpected happen, possibly the most selfish words she has ever said to him. “Stay for me… please.”

           “i think i should be fine. just…. maybe wanna use your shower,” he says, raking his fingers through his hair. “if you don’t mind. then i’ll be outta your way and let you sleep.” it doesn’t dawn on him until he catches a glimpse of the time on the microwave that it’s goddamn late and he’s imposing, so he figures all he can do now is shower and sleep. wouldn’t do him much good to keep her up, unless she wanted to.

         it’s her. it’s gotta be. 

        when they pull away from the kiss, he lingers, but this time he’s more sober. he licks his lips and tastes the wine; rose red. rose red in the colors of their conversations, their laughter, their small-time intimacies. he’s purely in love with her. 

       “i don’t wanna push you. i don’t want you to think that– because of this, we gotta be anything. we can just– stay the way we are,” he says, voice barely there as he looks at her. “i just… need to know how you feel so that i can make the next decision in my life.”

      But that’s the thing, Luna always had a habit of letting her mind run wild. She was getting ahead of herself, so she took a moment to clear her head with all but one thing – she loved him. That was terrifying on its own, but it felt good to finally admit it. He said she saved him, but honestly, she was beginning to wonder if he saved her.

     Taking another moment to speak, she looks up at him and breathes in slowly. “I… feel the same way for you,  I do.. and I want to be with you.. but is that what you want?”

         “me too,” he responds softly, pulling his lips back for a moment. his eyes fall on the ground before they meet up with hers again. he tries to forget that he saw a tear cascade down her cheek. “let’s just start over tonight. i’ll– i can sleep on the couch. please, rory.”

           She always wondered if he came home, maybe he found himself a girl somewhere. She always wondered, but never made it a point to actually find out. Always too stubborn, always too scared.

           “yeah,” she tells him softly and nods, “okay. you know you always got a place here.” She smiled faintly and walked farther in her home. “I’ll get you some blankets. Do you, uh, want anything to drink or eat?”

     he rakes his fingers through his hair and looks over at her. “i just can’t get the sight of you hurt outta my head. how i hurt you. i don’t want that to happen again,” he says licking his lips. “you’s– you’re allowed to be happy to see me, allowed to be angry, allowed to be anythin’. but i know how you really feel and nothin’s gonna change that.”

     “Beck,” she starts softly, “I don’t mean this.. in a rude way… But you don’t know me anymore. And you sure as hell don’t know how I really feel…” Her eyes studied the floor a she shifted uncomfortably. “We were kids, Beck. I hurt easily then, but the pain you made me feel was nothing compared to the pain I brought on myself. That’s all it ever was. Not you… me. You did what you had to do. I was just… a selfish kid throwing a goddamn tantrum.” A tear formed in the corner of her eye and she wiped it before let it fall. “So… let me be happy to see you. Because, god, I am…”

        so maybe that’s why, when he looks down at her, entire face absolutely sincere and almost pleading, he places a hand on the side of her face and kisses her. it’s a tender kiss, nothing forceful, just a reminder that she exists if she’s ever felt like floating around him. he’s stood up, but he bends down to kiss her, and he knows he’ll regret it later tonight but right now it’s the only thing his body can do. 

        when he pulls away, he lingers; his eyes are closed as he’s brushing his lips away from hers. voice is thick and low when he tells her a secret. 

         “luna young, i fell in love with you and now i can’t go back. you saved me. you did.”

     She thought for a moment that all of this – the time spent together, the dinner, conversation.. it was prying to close and too fast. She thought she lost him just when she seemed to have got him. But then, he did the one thing she least expected – he pulled her into a kiss. Surprised, she sat there for a moment before returning the kiss, realizing she had been wanting to kiss him for far too long. Her hand reaches up to touch the hand that rested on her cheek. His lips tasted like the wine they drank and she couldn’t help but to wonder if she tasted the same. He pulls away with her eyes still half lidded, and she listens to his words and finds herself paralyzed.

     Had it been this the whole time? Love? The reason she lingered in his hospital room, the reason she took double shifts just to spend more time with him? The reason she couldn’t leave him be, although he had a life somewhere else with others… She fell for him and that was terrifying. So terrifying that she never allowed herself to see it. So, instead of saying another word, she rose to her feet and cupped his face in his hands taking a leap of faith. She pressed another kiss to his lips with subtle passion, her fingertips grazing against the scruff along his jaw. She pulled away slowly like he had done to her and she whispered back to him. “I fell for you, Beckett. I’ve been trying to convince myself otherwise… but I can’t anymore. I fell for you, I think I did long ago.”

      walking into her home felt like walking into a fragment of the past that he’d left so long ago. heavy footsteps of old boots are loud in the empty house; he doesn’t set his things down when he finds a place to stand. he looks at her, eyebrows furrowed slightly, a solemn expression on his face. she needs, deserves an explanation. why is he here, why isn’t he dead, what does he want. the answers all jumble in his head before she can even ask them, but he knows she shouldn’t have to. he knows things like this have to be understood. 

      How could she ever? “Beck,” she said softly while crossing her arms over her chest, “of course… stay here. You don’t have to…. I mean, I don’t want you to…” She couldn’t find her words. She breathed in for a moment to collect herself. Finally, she looked up at him with hurt eyes. “Am I not allowed to be happy to see you?”

       another moment of comfortable silence passes and he takes a sip of wine before bringing up a thought that’d been lingering in his mind all evening. “you know, i been– i been stayin’ at that motel for the past week or so now while i was figurin’ out where i’d live once i moved back down to alabama. my folks say i should just stay with ‘em, and they insist, but it feels wrong. it all just… it feels wrong. like i ain’t me in my skin no more.” he doesn’t talk much, but when he does, it’s everything that’s going on in his head. all the honest truths. 

        “only time i ever really feel like i know what the hell i’m doin is… when i’m with you. back at the hospital, my next step was to get better. that was all for me. that was how small my world was, cause i felt like– i wadn’t gonna get better, you know? shit wadn’t gonna be the same cause of my injury, but i was just lucky i wadn’t dead. but my next step was to get better. now i’m better. what the hell’s next? for me? how do i– how do i live life the same way again after years of bein somebody… different? different than who i am now?”

       he catches himself. takes a deep breath. there’s a clink of silverware on his plate as he nearly rises. 

     With every word he spoke, she could see the helplessness in his eyes and she wanted to make it go away. She wanted to help because that’s who she is – the girl who helped too much. But this wasn’t just because of her nature. No, she found herself truly caring for the man.

     And before she get out a word, she felt the dramatic shift in the air as he gave a quick goodbye. “Hey,” she said softly, quickly reaching over and taking his hand. She looked him in the eyes – no sense of her usual shyness. She looked at him with desperate sincerity. “Stay… please.” She let go of his hand slowly and looked down before adding, “trust me. I know you must think I haven’t got  a clue how you feel, but I do. I know what it’s like to be lost.” She looked up at him once again. “Just talk to me. You don’t have to run away from it.”

         they’d agreed never to be a part of each other’s lives again. and he thought about it. maybe seeing her every now and then when he finally got home from war in the corner of his eyes while she’s picking out vegetables at the market. maybe hearing her name called out in the middle of a busy place and hoping, turning, to see it’s her. but jesus christ, those were only thoughts, and nothing feels more surreal than standing in front of her at this moment. 

         he takes off his pride, didn’t have much in the first place when it came to her. she humbled him. he looks at her, backpack on his right shoulder. the sight of her makes his throat well up, and god damn he might even feel his eyes brim with tears, so he’s forced to have evasive eyes. simple, straightforward words are spoken under the light of the moon and he manages to glance at her for a fraction of them.

                 “i know i’d promised i’d never be here again but i needed to see you.”

    But those questions remained unanswered. Gotta keep on keepin’ on. It was he mantra, to never look back at the past. Yet, here he was staring her right in the face. Her past, the one thing in her life she could remember that seemed right. He was her silver lining, yet in the end, she found a reason to make him just another gray cloud… and that was never fair to him. She’s spent so many years of her life wanting to blame others, find safety in others, find love in others… turns out she got just about the opposite of all those things.

     So, what was she supposed to say? It hurt looking at him, hurt knowing all the selfish thoughts she had back then. It hurt just thinking how things ended with him. It was something she wasn’t prepared to take on yet, or at least she kept telling herself that. One step at a time, they told her. Yet, all she does is avoid. But she looks at his eyes and sees the familiarity in them and for once feels less alone. He always had that effect on her. So, she moved and opened the door a bit more before replying softly, “come inside…”