bye, wade!

so I actually did a lot of research into how children with terminal illnesses react/how parents and caregivers should comfort them for a fic a couple of months ago, and this post made me see a lot of connections between that research and Peter’s reactions in That Scene. and, because I hate myself and everyone else, I thought I’d share that with all of you.

from this perspective, let’s analyze Peter’s dialogue in That Scene:

“Mister Stark? I don’t feel so good.”

children are like adults in the sense that, depending on their personality, they will either withdraw from their loved ones or become very clingy and attached as they near death. to me, Peter has always come across as the clingy type. in this moment, he is naturally reaching out for a trusted adult: Tony.

“I don’t… I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know what’s-”

I can’t imagine that Peter, who is a literal genius, hasn’t actually understood what’s happening to him at this point. he’s just seen multiple people dissolve around him. his spidey senses must be supplying him with the knowledge of an imminent threat on his life. I’m, like, 80% sure he’s already connected the dots by the time he says this. he doesn’t say it because he’s actually confused, but because he’s looking for reassurance. you have to take into account Peter’s borderline unhealthy hero worship for Tony to fully understand these lines, too. Peter’s realized he’s about to die, but that doesn’t fit into his worldview because he’s so freaking young, so he looks to Tony, his idol, to give him a better explanation.

“I don’t wanna go. I don’t wanna go. Sir, please. Please. I don’t wanna go. I don’t wanna go.”

something that popped up continuously during my research was that children will try to ask questions about death through roundabout ways.

for example: children will often ask about their upcoming death by asking about a deceased loved one instead. a kid might say “where did grandma go?” rather than straight up saying “what’s going to happen to me when I die?” it’s part of the whole fear of death thing. if you don’t acknowledge it, it isn’t true.

here’s the moment where Peter starts to distance himself from the concept of death. he’s pleading, but in a roundabout way. in the entire course of the scene, he never actually talks about life or death. he doesn’t say “I don’t wanna die.” he says “I don’t wanna go.” it’s a really classic thing for a kid to do in this situation. he’s trying to create euphemisms to mask a more unpleasant truth. there’s a reason kids tend to say things like “went away,” “passed on,” “went to heaven,” or even more crude things like “kicked it,” or “bought the farm.” it’s a lot easier to talk about death when you aren’t actually talking about death.

“I’m sorry.”

fun fact that isn’t fun at all: a lot of terminally ill kids actually go through a shit ton of guilt over leaving their parents. a lot of kids are actually more distressed by their parent’s distress than the fact that they’re literally about to die. there’s been a lot of discussion in the fandom over exactly what Peter’s apologizing for here, but I really believe it’s that he’s straight up apologizing for dying. we don’t actually see Tony’s face from the moment Peter stumbles into his arms until right after Peter fades away, but I image that he looks pretty freaking wrecked. acting under the assumption that Peter and Tony have grown closer since Homecoming, Peter can almost certainly tell that his death is going to tear Tony apart. so, in his final moments, Peter apologizes for that. his last emotion is guilt.

Peter Parker is so young. he’s only 16/17 in Infinity War. that’s literally the peak age where you’re the most terrified of death. it’s instinctual. the youth has to be petrified of dying because if they’re not, the next generation won’t actually grow old enough to reproduce.

and i genuinely think all of that explains why Peter’s death hurts the most. because of his spidey senses and his advanced healing, he has time to panic and realize what’s about to happen to him. and because he’s just a baby, he’s the worst character for that to happen to. almost everyone else is confused and a few, like Wanda, are accepting, but Peter is scared. Peter fights. which makes sense, of course. he’s the youngest. emotionally, logically, and instinctually, he has the most to lose. 

for Tony, and for the audience, there is a visceral reaction to watching Peter reel against the fade. because we don’t like death, but we take comfort in the concept of our loved ones “dying peacefully.” when my parents put down my childhood cat, one of the first things they told me was that he “went quietly.” and you know what? it helped. my barn recently lost two older horses in the course of a few weeks. one we had to euthanize and the other we found in his pasture, already dead. everyone agreed that the former was a lot easier to process because we knew he didn’t suffer. we ensured it. but for the latter, however, we’ll never really know if he died quickly or if he was in pain. and that’s upsetting.

humans take comfort in the concept of a peaceful, dignified death. but Peter doesn’t get that. he gets torn out of the world kicking, screaming, and very, very afraid. there isn’t anything peaceful or dignified about it. 

and that hurts.

(P.S. if all of this didn’t mess you up you enough, something else I found during my research was that grief is actually helped a ton by viewing the body after death. it’s actually suggested for parents to allow siblings of a terminally ill child the opportunity to spend some time with the body after their sibling has passed. i know it sounds kinda morbid, but it helps start the grieving process if you can mourn over something solid.

concrete: *cracks*

Tony Stark (with Peter Parker) interviewed for Loft Cinema.

he tried his best

bonus 1:

bonus 2:

I saw this and I just

commissions