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I am having a bad day. A really bad fucking day. Do you ever really listen? Maybe you listen but you do not learn. I am losing my shit about money. I know how to fucking save and invest money yet I cannot do it because saving money and keeping you happy cannot coexist. My blood is boiling!!!!!!! And you do not even take the time to understand my feelings. You tell me your feelings. I say its okay. Then respond with feelings of my own and you say “why do you have to say that” and then the argument goes. I am having a bad fucking day. I feel so angry and stressed. I am having a bad day. It is only 4pm. I am off work soon. Maybe the day will better. There is time for it to be a good day, or at least a good evening. But for now I am having a bad day.

I am trying work on my stoicism. I am trying to control too many things that truly are out of my control whether they are fair or not. When I feel I am being treated unfairly I would usually just walk away. I do not walk away from you. So I need to try something else until I am ready. Maybe it is just ignore it and appreciate what I have. Easier said than done. It matters too much to me. Maybe there is a way to separate the feelings of what matters to me and what I let affect me. I cannot control you.

A lot on my mind lately. Too much to talk about. You would not understand anyway. There is something I fear of becoming, and I am not sure if I am becoming that. I guess it is probably out of my control. I should just sit back and see what happens. I should not force anything, but I cant help but think that I will become hidden. Things feel okay when we are together, but I am paranoid. What is going on?

So am I no longer keeping your interest. Your interest has sparked somewhere else? I think it is lame how you think of some of your friends as cooler than you. I am sure you think some of my friends are cooler or more interesting than me too. That is pretty sad. Sorry you cant see it. You never see how unfair you can be towards me sometimes. All the confusion is your fault.

What is going on? I am so confused. I am so anxious, I am so impatient. Is your love going somewhere. Please let me know because I survive on love. Let me know if I need to take away some of my love for you, so I can give it to myself. My heart feels like it is breaking. I know it is a bit premature to say when you have not left me, but when things do not feel okay, I do not feel okay. It is on my mind. I am trying to use this time to practice my patience and grow. I know at then end of whatever happens I will grow from it... but... but to think our memories may stop... sends a sharp dagger to chest, to my stomach, and fucks with my head. I have never loved anything more than you, but I guess that is life and many people have had to deal with this.

Last night you just hit me that. Feels like you are reaching the point where you are ready to let go. I am not ready, but if you let go, I will let you. And I will sob as think of all the memories we made and how I felt during them. Hopefully I will then heal. It is definitely possible you do not break my heart anytime soon, but this is a reminder of how bad it will be when you decide to.

I wish time could just stop sometimes and in that moment I could just relax in peace. I feel as if the world moves so fast, I am always trying to catch up. I am striving to make a better life, but sometimes I wish things could just slow down for a few minutes.

Sometimes you make me so frustrated. Its okay for you to do something, but its not okay for me. I am going to explode! And it is your fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!!