When Robby’s lungs are nearly bursting and he struggles even to give a motivational speech, Dana takes him aside and tells him to go home, to stop coming to work, or at the very least to go to a pain clinic. She says this with tears in her eyes because she really can’t believe Robby’s stubbornness, because despite everything she still tries to tell Robby that he should at least try to confess his feelings, that he’s not a man to be thrown away, that it’s ridiculous to die this way without even having tried. But Robby somehow feels that dying this way is almost right. He finds it almost more poetic than three months of sabbatical and a likely no return, so maybe it’s okay this way.
But the thought of no longer being in the hospital, the thought of no longer seeing Dennis every day for the last few months (if we can still call them months) he has left, makes his chest tighten even more and makes it harder for him to breathe.
He doesn't want to be apart from Dennis. The very thought of staying cooped up at home and never seeing him again would simply kill him of a broken heart, and that seems like a stupid and needlessly painful way to go.
What Robby doesn’t expect, however, is to see Dennis hiding in a corner, away from prying eyes, coughing as if he were choking. Robby knows that wheezing sound all too well- the one that comes from the throat- that effort that starts in the abs because it feels like you’re about to vomit, and you strain to push something out that’s actually still growing inside you.
He turns pale because it can’t be possible that Dennis is suffering in exactly the same way he is, because it isn’t fair that the kid is feeling his exact same pain, because Dennis in no way deserves to die (he, the sweetest, kindest kid on the face of the Earth), and who is the damned fool who doesn’t love him back? Who could possibly not fall in love with an angel like him?
Robby approaches discreetly, trying not to attract the curious glances of the few people coming and going, and places a hand on Dennis’s back. Dennis flinches for a second because he hadn’t even noticed he was being watched, and Robby begins to move his hand in concentric circles, trying to ease a pain he knows there’s no way to make go away, but hoping that a little comfort might help.
To Robby’s horror, Dennis’s coughing fit erupts even more violently, and Robby grabs Dennis by the waist when he sees him slipping dangerously forward, as if his strength had suddenly failed him.
“Whitaker. Whitaker! Hey, are you with me?”
Dennis then rests a hand on the wall in front of him, and Robby feels the muscles in his waist tense up. He allows himself to let go, even though he doesn’t want to -even though he’d like to hold him up forever -but he doesn’t think Dennis would be particularly happy about that, so he just stays close enough to catch him if he starts feeling dizzy again.
Dennis turns to look at him, his eyes glistening from the strain of coughing and labored breathing, and nods. He says nothing else.
And Robby does what everyone -everyone except Dennis- has done to him over the past few months.
He tells Dennis to confess his feelings. He tells Dennis there’s no way his feelings won’t be returned. He tells Dennis to at least try. Because Michael doesn’t give a damn if the other person (a lunatic, really!) doesn’t return Dennis’s feelings and he ends up feeling guilty for the rest of his life; he wants Dennis to live. He wants Dennis to at least try because he’s one hundred percent sure that Dennis’s feelings are reciprocated- it couldn’t be any other way.
And Dennis shakes his head, bites his lower lip until it almost bleeds, looks around as if he wants to walk away, and part of Robby knows they’re in the hospital and should get back to their patients, but Robby has no intention of leaving Dennis in that state; there’s no way Robby is going to leave this world knowing that Dennis will follow him soon after, because the world won’t be a worse place without Robby, but it will be without Dennis.
So Robby keeps pushing, grabs him by the shoulder, shakes him, tells him he’s too young, that he has to at least give it a shot- and that’s when Dennis snaps.
Robby has never seen Dennis pissed off, but right now Dennis is, and holy shit, he really is.
And he unleashes on Robby everything he hasn’t said to him over those past months and why are you giving me this advice when you don’t do the same thing yourself? and from what pulpit is this sermon coming, and how do you think I felt watching you get worse day after day? and Robby is about to open his mouth to reply, but Dennis doesn’t even let him start.
“It’s you! It’s always been you!” Dennis’s voice trembles, and though it’s quiet enough not to be heard by the people at the end of the hallway, it echoes in Robby’s head as if he’d shouted it right into his ear.
“What?” is the only thing he can manage to say as he watches Dennis stare back at him. And it’s a cold stare -not the kind you’d expect from someone who’d just said that- and it’s likely that Robby has misunderstood, because there’s no way this could be true.
But Dennis keeps going. Stubborn in a way that only Robby knows he can be.
“I’m in love with you. And I love you and hate you because you did this to me. Because I don’t want to die, but despite everything, I can’t really hate you -otherwise this stupid thing would’ve gone away already. Because I love you for everything you are and everything you do, and fuck you, Robby!”
And it’s a bit like being in a dream, in those moments just before waking up when you realize you’re dreaming and that you’re about to open your eyes, and the edges of the dream start to blur and everything moves more slowly; your mind doesn’t understand what you’re doing, and everything happens without you really being aware of it.
And that’s exactly how Robby finds himself kissing Dennis, hidden from the rest of the ER in a rarely used hallway. He doesn’t know how it happened; he saw his hand reach up and grab the back of Dennis’s neck, pulling him close, but he wasn’t aware he’d done it.
And Dennis freezes for a few seconds, trying to ask for an explanation, until his arms wrap around Robby’s neck and this time he’s the one pulling him close and kissing him back. And there’s nothing gentle about that kiss. Because it’s filled with the fear they’ve both felt over those months, because there’s an urgency to prove that it’s real, that it’s true and it’s happening, and Robby, for the first time in what feels like centuries, feels his lungs clear, expand, and let him breathe, he feels that tightness in his chest fade away, and he’s so giddy that he kisses Dennis even more deeply, pressing Dennis against the wall behind him so as to trap him and not let him go, even though Dennis doesn’t seem intent on going anywhere, with one hand clenched on Robby’s hoodie and the other in his hair.
And it’s only when a door slams in the distance and voices grow closer that the moment is broken, and Robby remembers where they are, pulling his lips away from Dennis and looking around, the sounds of the ER coming back to his ears, which until just a moment ago had been completely numb.
“Robby?” Dennis’s voice is a whisper, but Robby would hear it no matter what, and Dennis’s arms are still around his neck, and Robby’s are around Dennis’s torso. And fuck, how he’d love to be able to take Dennis away from there and be alone with him, but he’s got at least another five hours of his shift ahead of him, and he has no idea how the hell he’s going to get through them. Because the only thing on his mind is Dennis, Dennis, Dennis.
“Want to come over to my place after your shift?” Robby murmurs, still somehow unable to believe that all this is really happening, as he strokes Dennis’s cheek with his thumb while the kid leans heavily on his hand and looks at him with a frown.
Dennis sighs, rolls his eyes, but doesn’t let go of the hug.
“You’re an idiot,” is his reply, and Robby doesn’t think he’s ever been called that with so much affection in the voice. “I want flowers and wine and romantic evenings and a real courtship. I think I deserve it after everything you’ve put me through.”
Robby nods, clears his throat, and feels like laughing.
“You deserve that and more, Dennis.”
And this time it’s Dennis’s breath that catches in his throat, but Dennis recovers long before Robby does -his flushed cheeks making Robby’s stomach do strange things -and mutters something Robby can’t quite make out, and only then does he break the embrace, stepping away from Robby, who feels almost a physical pain at the sight of him walking away, and heads back to his duties as a doctor, to what Robby must also get back to before Dana sticks her nose in and goes looking for both of them.
Before walking through the emergency room door again, however, Dennis turns around one last time.
“Well, you know what time I get off,” he says, and walks away, leaving Robby with butterflies in his stomach and, finally, something to look forward to.
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