I do get in my own way

“It’s midnight, where the hell were you?!”

“Stop keeping your phone in silent, you got me worried!”

“Blood? Are you bleeding?”

“I don’t like the idea of you walking down the streets all alone.”

“I thought I would never see you again…”

“We should get you to hospital.”

“Where did all those bruises came from?”

“I have the right to be worried!”

“Have you been drinking? You look terrible.”

“Sleep at my place tonight.”

“I don’t feel safe letting you be alone when you’re in that shape.”

“Please talk to me about it.”

“Let me take care of you.”

“You need to rest now. Don’t move.”

“How many times have I told you to not go there?”

“You could’ve died, you know…”

“I don’t care if you don’t want my help, I’ll do it anyways.”

“You really need to stop drinking. I’m serious.”

“This time you got yourself into a hospital. I think that’s a sign.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“You need to stop doing stupid shit like that or you will get yourself killed.”

“I’m your friend, of course I care!”

“You know I’m always here for you, right?”

“You’re not okay.”

“I’m just trying to help you.”

“Let me clean your wounds…”

“Turn that frown upside down.”

*poke**poke*poke* “You feeling better yet?” *poke*

“What am I supposed to make you if you’re allergic to ______? Chicken noodle is a classic.”

“What does one make for sadness? Funions?”

“You do realize that if you don’t cheer up I’m going to spend the next three days doing stupid things to try and cheer you up, right?”

“Ok. If I have to bunk here because you’re too sad to move you’re going to need to restock your fridge.”

“You know? I think you look better when you’re moody.”

“Well at least your moods are good training to keep me on my toes.”

“If I picked you up and flipped you upside down do you think it’d have the same effect?”

*picks you up and tosses you over my shoulder* “You need sunshine.”

❝ Nice job breaking it, hero. ❞

❝ Killing you and giving you good advice aren’t mutually exclusive. ❞

❝ You’re not even going the right way. ❞

❝ Regulations require both hands to be empty before any cake. ❞

❝ You will be entirely on your own. Good luck. ❞

❝ What’s your point, anyway? Survival? ❞

❝ I’m not kidding now. Turn back or I will kill you. ❞

❝ That’s you! That’s how dumb you sound. ❞

❝ Please be advised that a noticeable taste of blood is not part of any test protocol but is an unintended side effect. ❞

❝ Most importantly, under no circumstances should you — ❞

❝ Maybe you should marry that thing since you love it so much. Do you want to marry it? Well, I won’t let you! How does that feel? ❞

❝ You haven’t escaped, you know. ❞

❝ Maybe you could settle for that and we’ll just call it a day. ❞

❝ Android hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance. ❞

❝ Unbelievable! You, [Subject Name Here], must be the pride of [Subject Hometown Here]! ❞

❝ Stop it! I… I… We are pleased that you made it through the final challenge where we pretended we were going to murder you. ❞

❝ Time out for a second. That wasn’t supposed to happen. ❞

❝ Where do you think you’re going? Because I don’t think you’re going where you think you’re going. ❞

❝ This is your fault. It didn’t have to be like this. ❞

❝ It’s a mystery I’ll solve later… By myself. Because you’ll be dead. ❞

❝ If you become light-headed from thirst, feel free to pass out. ❞

❝ The difference between us is that I can feel pain. ❞

❝ That thing is probably some kind of raw sewage container. Go ahead and rub your face all over it. ❞

❝ Have I lied to you? I mean, in this room. ❞

❝ This isn’t brave. It’s murder. What did I ever do to you? ❞

❝ Cake and grief counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test. ❞

❝ I let you survive this long because I was curious about your behavior. ❞

❝ A complimentary escape hatch will open in 3, 2, 1. ❞

❝ You’ve been wrong about every single thing you’ve ever done, including this thing. ❞

❝ Didn’t we have some fun, though? ❞

❝ Do you think I am trying to trick you with reverse psychology? I mean, seriously now. ❞

❝ Fantastic! You remained resolute and resourceful in an atmosphere of extreme pessimism. ❞

❝ Your entire life has been a mathematical error. A mathematical error I’m about to correct. ❞

❝ Thank you for helping us help you help us all. ❞

❝ I wouldn’t bother with that thing. My guess is that touching it will just make your life even worse somehow. ❞

❝ No one will blame you for giving up. In fact, quitting at this point is a perfectly reasonable response. ❞

❝ Well, you found me. Congratulations. Was it worth it? ❞

❝ Uh oh. Somebody cut the cake. I told them to wait for you, but they did it anyway. ❞

❝ When I said deadly neurotoxin, the ‘deadly’ was in massive sarcasm quotes. ❞

❝ Oh well. If you want my advice, you should just lie down in front of a rocket. ❞

❝ The floor here will kill you - try to avoid it. ❞

❝ You really shouldn’t be here. This isn’t safe for you. ❞

❝ You’re still shuffling around a little, but believe me you’re dead. ❞

❝ Someday we’ll remember this and laugh. And laugh. And laugh. Oh boy. ❞

❝ We will stop enhancing the truth. ❞

❝ Stop squirming and die like an adult. ❞

❝ I’ll tell you what that thing isn’t: It isn’t yours. So leave it alone. ❞

❝ You’re curious about what happens after you die, right? Guess what: I know. ❞

❝ We have added a consequence for failure. ❞

❝ You’re not smart. You’re not a scientist. You’re not a doctor. You’re not even a full-time employee. Where did your life go so wrong? ❞

❝ Despite your violent behavior, the only thing you’ve managed to break so far is my heart. ❞

❝ You are kidding me. ❞