paper heart

So thankful to have had this blog for many years where I can share my thoughts and just be myself without the fear of being judged by people. This has been my outlet and my best friend, but it’s time to move on.

I guess I’m still sad about it.

There’s so many things I wanna say to you, so many things I’d like to share.

Hahahaha perhaps my best friend lately had been tumblr or tiktok videos with captions I relate to so much. It’s been 17 days (?) I think since we last talked. It wasn’t really talking. It was more like me initiating convo and you just replying out of obligation.

As much as I want to reach out to you again, I can’t and I shouldn’t. I’ve been dreaming about you, too. Idk but maybe you’re manifesting me and it works because I cannot stop thinking about you.

I want to tell you that I’ve started going to the gym and that my Achilles tendon is swollen again. I want to tell you that I fought with my mom earlier today for something so trivial and that I feel like I have a lot of pent-up anger in me. Maybe you would’ve told me that I should’ve been extra patient, like you and that next time I should know how to handle the situation better because we’re not kids anymore.

I want to tell you that I finished stranger things and that it’s awesome. To be honest, I’ve been delaying watching the show because I was thinking that maybe we could watch it together like we did Archive 81 and All of us are dead. I also was postponing doctor strange 2 because I thought we were going to watch it together 😅

But I guess it’s all just wishful thinking now.

I want to tell you that I’ve been sleeping late for no reason, but if we were still talking, then you would’ve been the reason why I stay up late.

I guess I just miss you, a lot. Like a lot a lot.

I cry about you sometimes, too. I’m crying now as I’m writing this.

I mean I knew this was going to happen and that I would be so hurt if it all ended. But I had a little hope that maybe you’ll like me, as much as I like you. And you’d maybe choose me, or change your mind about relationships because it seemed like it wouldn’t be so bad to be loved by you. I guess I expected too much and ruined everything. What was I even thinking that night? It’s not like I was your girlfriend or anything, and because of what I did you completely shut off yourself from me. I just felt you slipping away every single day since then. Maybe I had opened wounds from your past or I made you remember some kind of trauma and that was shitty of me. Until now, I still regret what I did because maybe then we’d still be talking and I’d still be your go to person like you said I was. Instead, I update you through my instagram stories now and it just sucks. Everything sucks and I pretend that I’m okay with what happened but I’m not. I’m really not. I don’t even want to talk to my friends about it. I bet they’re sick of hearing me talk about you, so I write my feelings here instead. Sometimes I just want to disappear, maybe you’ll try to find me. Maybe not.

I guess the reason why I’m so so so sad about what happened to us is because you acted like I never mattered at all. I really thought we had something special going on and that our bond would maybe transcend mediocre feelings and irrationality. Clearly I was wrong ‘cause you’re not here anymore. And somehow I still remember the little details about you. Like how weird you are deep down and I guess it’s a side you only show to people you’re comfortable with. Your attention to details when we’re watching a movie or a tv show, which now I adapted and catch myself looking at tiny details or mistakes in the film/tv show. Your dream when you were in third grade and that was being a marine biologist and somehow it still impresses you up to this day that you knew what you wanted at a very young age, and that most people at age 9 wouldn’t even know what a marine biologist is. Your cats’ names: Siri, Shelby, Yuki, and Cocaine. And if you’re reading this, you’ll probably be like, “they’re Jensan’s cats,” but whatever they love you anyway and I think they’re your family’s cats.

Your intuitive mind and just everything about the way you think is remarkable I guess. You’re way too smart for me and I know that. It kinda bothered me before because the more I got to know you, the more I realized that you’re totally out of my league. You’re more intelligent than I am, you’re rich, you come from a good family, you have a lot of friends, you join fraternities and stuff. I don’t know, I guess somehow deep down, I felt intimidated and that I didn’t deserve you. Maybe that’s why I tend to self-sabotage because I feel like I don’t deserve the good things that come into my life.

However, I also knew that it was never going to be me for you; that it was never going to work out in the long run. You were clearly still in love with your ex and I accepted that already. Yet I still hoped that things would turn out differently. But things just went south between us and I felt you pulling away from me as time passed.

Again, it’s one of those hard to swallow pills: People literally don’t owe you shit. People are allowed to leave. A good time can just be a good time without the promise of a future…and I had hoped for a future between us. That’s when I knew I fucked up. I expected way too much when this was supposed to be a “go with the flow” type of situation. I acted out based on my emotions and not on logic. Once again, God put you in my life so I could learn a lesson because I never learn unless I learn the hard way. I hope I was a blessing in your life though, and not a lesson. In my case, you’re a bit of both. You were a blessing and a lesson. So thank you for making me happy for a while back there. I really learned a lot about culture, and movies, and other useless stuff that you tell me that aren’t so useless after all. But you also brought me heartache and I should remember that more. You made me feel like I was just a bus stop till you made up your mind and moved on with better things in your life.

Maybe one day you’ll look back and think that you shouldn’t have wasted what we had. I don’t know.

I’m bawling my eyes out when you were never even mine in the first place. How could I lose something that I never had?