elle writes

at night, when you, I miss.

I wanted to talk to you so bad. I just don’t know where to start anymore.

It’s 12:17 AM, the light from her phone glows amidst the darkness of the room that enveloped her like a blanket. She was still awake. She couldn’t put herself to sleep, no, not with all these loud thoughts screaming inside her head. She kept scrolling through social medias, trying to distract herself from the deafening screeches of her anxiety, telling her that she deserves none of the good things in this world. Her heart was empty but somehow managed to be filled with hatred, with anger, and with loneliness. “I won’t cry.” She whispers to herself, convincing herself that she was okay, and that maybe everything she’s feeling was temporary. “I’m sleep-deprived.” She continued convincing herself. That’s what she’s good at anyway, telling herself that all’s good when in all honesty everything is falling apart. It’s 12:23 AM, she placed her phone down and realized the lies she kept telling herself. Quiet sobbing filled the pitch black room. No one but her knew what drowned her during this times of her life. Only she, alone, could fix herself. But with this feeling of emptiness, she had no idea, despite her cleverness, how to help herself. She then settled that crying was okay. Maybe she just needed to remove all these bottled up emotions. It’s 12:34 AM, staring blankly at the darkness, she mumbled to herself, “I didn’t want to be sad.”

I, for once, never forced anyone to love me back. I never asked them to return the love I gave them. I wanted to see if someone would return it voluntarily, without me asking them at all. Because as I grew up asking for people to give back the same amount of love I gave, I realized how bland it was. Whenever I wanted to hear those three words from the people I expect to love me back, they sound dead. Those three empty words. The more I hear it come from the wrong mouths, with the wrong tune, and with the wrong feeling, I realized it made me empty. Can you ever imagine the person you love, looking at you dead in the eye, seeing his lips move only so partially and letting go of those three words so carelessly. It kinda hurts, does it? Those three words lost its meaning to me. Those three words were said too much, but not enough, just not enough for me to feel what its supposed to make me feel. Every damn time, those three empty words would only make me feel worse. “I love you.” But do you really?

But before I realized, you took parts of me as you left, bit by bit.

What is with you and your autumn vibe that gave me so much warmth inside? The way your lips move the way it is, the way you brush your hair back without noticing. Everything about you is so mesmerizing. All I ever write about is you, and sometimes I wonder if it’ll ever change. The way the thought of you comes spilling out of my ink and then suddenly everything is about you. You give me flowers in my lungs and although they’re beautiful, it’s making me hard to breathe.

d.n.a.

mahalin kang muli ay para bang mali.

Pusong nawasak na walang pahintulot.

d.n.a.

d.n.a.

It’s ten o’ clock and suddenly you’re on my mind. I just managed to keep you out of it but you managed to find a way in. You don’t know when to stop, do you? It’s not your fault anyway. It was my fault to fall too deeply to you. I’ve spent three years breaking and mending my own heart for you, thinking that you might accept it. I don’t know, maybe you were too good for me. You were too much for me and maybe God thought that you deserved better. I wasn’t enough, but I’m all I have.

hopefully, yours did too