the world begins with you

i am really struggling with my sexual identity and desires these past few months. i’ve identified as straight my whole life and i’m in a monogamous straight relationship with a man that i love more than i can begin to describe. but i have been becoming less and less intimate with him. i hate feeling my body move when we have sex. i try to ignore how my body rolls and jiggles and squishes but it makes me sick. nothing makes me feel less sexy. he tries in those moments to affirm my beauty, but my self-hatred overrides everything.

i also have moments of what i can almost describe as ptsd when we are intimate. when he tries to touch me and tend to me, 9 times out of 10 i just end up thinking about hands that were there without my permission, and that made me sex-indifferent for a long time. i just try to grin and bear it. wriggle out of it into something else that keeps things going without me having to keep feeling so overwhelmed. i’ve tiptoed around the topic, but i’m too scared to bring it up with him. he has never done anything but respect me in those situations. how can i bring this up to him without him feeling shame? or like i consider him the same as those horrible boys? i want to be able to go with the flow and love every second without feeling gross, and without making him feel guilt.

i also have been reflecting on my sexual identity. specifically, if i like feminine people. or girls. am i bi? pan? do i just have aesthetic attraction? i am attracted to women as well as men, but the thought of being intimate with a woman scares me. well, being intimate with men hasn’t been smooth sailing for me. maybe it’s an intimacy thing. i remember being in highschool and wondering if i was developing a crush on my best girl friend, but suppressed it quickly. either way, i can’t explore this to see how i feel. i love my partner too much to bring it up, out of fear that i’m wrong, or worse that i’d hurt his feelings. i don’t want to make him feel like he isn’t “what i want” because he is the light of my life. i don’t want to step out of the relationship to figure things out.