Petal

For a past few days ever since i told him that i can't continue with him, my mind is draped by a cold blanket of everlasting thoughts that can't seem to stop sending me chills all over my veins and my blood. He said, "ok, why so if i can ask" to which i replied, "because you don't need me, i feel unwanted and i don't like it".

He's married. He told me it was forced. He never said he loved me the last year we met, when he belonged to nobody. But i told him I did, then. To which he never said anything. He was a chaos, a confused soul all over the place and my heart rooted for his mending. I wanted to be a part of his life, be it any way and though i never chased him directly i kept praying for him and left the ball in his court. Hoped someday maybe he'll wake up to our meaningless meetings and my eyes that always secretly spoke love for him. But he never did. I kept praying for our connection until the day the news of his marriage spread like wildfire. I felt the train that left without having me and crying on the platform under the heavy rain i let him slip through my veins just like he flowed through them once.

I made peace with the knowledge of him being wedded to a lucky girl for life. So i let him go. But my heart still wanted him. But i never let it come to the surface. But wondered why i still feel anything, that too of some kind of belonging.

So one day we caught up a conversation amidst a summer day when we were eventually working on the same land under the brightest sun. That one conversation led me to break all my values and thus breaking the heart of an innocent woman whom he considers wife but doesn't love or respect her. Though she could never know because he hates her so much. But each day following the one when he confessed love to me, i went to sleep with a heavy heart and chaotic mind. For me, that power higher than me is everything, so i confessed my wrong doing and surrendered my inevitable love for this man, which i myself couldn't ever understand. And i asked for clarity. I believed each time he said he's not lying and i trusted his eyes more than my heart. But as i had prayed, he came back to me in an unusual way and showed me all the reasons why he could never belong to me. One by one, day by day with every passing second he kept proving my imagery wrong.

We kissed and got drunk and kissed more but when it started going beyond i stopped him. He got angry and fell asleep. I suffocated in his apartment wide awake and felt like a bird captivated and kept from air. I confronted the darkness head on. While he slept, I saw the belongings of his wife in his home lying in her room, different from his. I felt distant and unwelcomed by her things. And the walls of his house screamed their wedding vows.

The universe gave me the clarity, answered each of my question. Gave me all the reasons why i should let him go.

I felt the pain in my chest when i asked myself, "did you ever feel he loved you?" and the answer was a screaming silence of "No".

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