i actually feel like iāve fell off the face of the earth, physically
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@paninieheadd
i actually feel like iāve fell off the face of the earth, physically

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i need a cigarette bad, i got some pressure built up.
i love my bed and i wish i could take it anywhere with me
literally just wanna hop in my car and not stop driving
when thinking isnāt enough so you have to start writing again. five pages. and iām not even finished. like i am being haunted by something unattainable it feels like.
whatās worse is looking back and having favorite snippets, like iām reading something else. like what do you mean i wrote, ānow i feel worse for giving a part of myself to someone that wasnāt you.ā i am actually appalled.

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fuck crystals & manifestation i need a gun
needed it yesterday tbh
"What that mouth do?" Go nonverbal.
honestly couldnāt have said it any better myself
donāt know a polite way to tell people who ask, āwhy donāt you go out more?ā BECAUSE I DONāT WANNA
IM BORING! please let me rot in my room in peace, like iām sorry iām not super interesting and go out to bars or something.
realized iāve been sleeping on skirts because why have i waited till now to wear them. itās probably the best feeling iāve had all year
nicotine isn't working anymore i think it's time for hard drugs
actually have never seen something more real in my life.

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thereās something about when it nears the end of the night that i have to go through internal crises like should i drop out? am i unlovable? am i really meant to be alone for the rest of my life? will i stop dreaming of outfits iāll never have? feeling nostalgic for where i grew up but would actually rather die than have to be stuck in my hometown again. will i still feel like god hates me even though i havenāt been to a church in years because i canāt bring myself to be in one anymore? am i turning into my mother? was my mother right?
but i usually will just gaslight myself by saying iām just a girl and thatās that.
a week of midterms down and a break is right around the corner. so iām pregaming a break the best way i can; which is having a high shower, lay in bed with a03, and Outkast playing.
at looking back at my previous post i might possibly abandon the lovely cricket feet rubbing because i want to actually crunch on a camel menthol crush rn
laying in bed with the fan on, when itās already cold, with a pile of blankets on, and rubbing your feet together like your a cricket is what probably i look forward to the most
i wake up in the morning, am reminded of the country iām in everyday, and the i get sad again. (my friend just showed me kanyeās new t-shirt merch)

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listening to ethel chainās perverts in the middle of the night, while also being high, was probably the most terrifying yet beautiful experience iāve had. i think this is what transcending is supposed to be like