can u expand on "shame makes people dangerous"
i mean itâs kind of a blanket statement i donât think all shame makes all people dangerous. and i know this sounds odd but also, i genuinely donât believe being dangerous or harming others is a moral failing, thatâs not a belief system i subscribe to. i donât like it. i donât want it to happen. but i donât think itâs a stain on the soul.
basically i just meant kind of what i said. for a lot of people, specifically people who due to trauma or abuse or mental illness donât have a strong core belief in their own value and goodness, shame feels like an attack. this is especially true in cultures where you ARE your actions. if you are defining yourself based on how others value you because you lack an internal home, then if they devalue you, it will feel like a direct threat. so if someone says hey you did this thing that hurt me, what you are going to hear is: i am hurtful, i am bad, i am worthless, i will not be cared for by members of my society, people do not want me around. and one thing i think our individualistic culture doesnât do good at admitting is that for humans, a social species, being cast out alone, having no one, is deadly. we cannot survive alone. we need food and air and water and shelter and also we need other people. we literally die without them. this is ancient and a core aspect of humanity.
so instead of responding with i am sorry, i want to know more about how i hurt you (reaction of someone who believes themself to be intrinsically worthwhile, who knows they are deserving of love and care regardless of their actions, and who thus isnât afraid of being cast out) when we are full of shame we respond with fight flight freeze or fawn. not because we care about our actions but because suddenly itâs a matter of survival. i am worthless and will be abandoned in the wilderness and i will die. cry-typing i am so fcuking sorry. ignoring people and hiding from those who make us feel shame. or responding with violence. theyâre all the same reaction in different clothes, which is the reaction of trying to make the threat go away. and youâll often see people ping-pong between them as fight flight freeze fawn start cycling.
thatâs not to say i think shame should be abolished. there are important uses of shame. in a healthy person, someone who does hold themself and love themself, shame is valuable as an abortifacient. not as in something causing an abortion but as in, something that stops something else. thatâs shameâs real purpose. if you are acting hurtfully, and someone says hey you are hurting me, shame makes you stop. the thing is that then once you have stopped you have to let go of the shame, because itâs going to get in the way of whatever reparative work comes next.
final note is that there are probably people reading this and thinking that they donât love themself and thus being worried that iâm saying theyâre dangerous or harmful. i donât think that. i think self love can always always be cultivated. because heres the thing, you might not think you love yourself, but you do. on a fundamental level you maybe canât access right now, but i promise you do. when something causes you pain, you flinch. when you burn your hand on the stove, you yank your hand away. you know you should survive. on an instinctive neurological level you know this. thatâs self-love. you already have it in you. you just have to prune and pull weeds and give it space to grow.
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