PAMphlet Of Thoughts

no big plans. no aesthetic. just somewhere to put the thoughts that won’t stay quiet. maybe some writing, maybe just feelings.

Just a bit of softness. Some reassurance. Something that makes me feel like I don’t have to explain why I’m already hurting.

But there were times her messages would feel cold. Not outright rude, just distant enough that I could feel myself overthinking. In those moments, I would also pull back. Not to fight back, just to protect myself.

Then she would get mad.

And suddenly I’m the one being cold, the one being distant, the one starting something I didn’t even feel like I started.

So I would explain. Again. That I was just reacting to how I felt in that moment. That I didn’t mean to escalate anything.

But it never really comes out the way I want it to. It always turns into something heavier.

The last time we broke up, she told me “alam ko na gagawin ko sa susunod.”

And I remember actually hoping. Like maybe this time, things would be different. Like maybe I wouldn’t have to keep going through the same cycle every time I get hurt.

But it still ended up the same in the moments that mattered.

it’s our monthsary today. i miss you a little extra.

but don’t worry. i’m not gonna reach out. i’m trying my best to let go gently this time.

i don’t know if you’ll ever read this, but these thoughts have been sitting inside me for days now and i think i just need to let them exist somewhere.

i still think about that night all the time. what makes it harder is that moments before everything became heavy, we were laughing so much. we felt normal. we felt okay. i remember looking at you and still feeling so much love there.

and then suddenly i was crying in front of you harder than i expected to. i think the pain just finally caught up to me.

i know i forgave what happened a long time ago. i know i chose to stay after it. and i really did try to move forward with you. but i think some hurt stays quiet until one random night it doesn’t anymore.

and even while i was crying, all i wanted was comfort from you. not a perfect explanation. not for you to magically fix everything. i think i just wanted you to hold me for a second and remind me that i was still safe with you.

that’s why this has been so hard for me to process. because i wasn’t asking for much, but somehow i still went home feeling emotionally alone.

and i know i had shortcomings too. i know i wasn’t perfect in our relationship. i know there were times i could’ve communicated better, loved better, understood you better. i’ve been thinking about all of that too.

but i also know i loved you deeply.

i loved you in ways that changed parts of my life. i pawned jewelry that meant a lot to me because i wanted to help you when things were difficult. i spent the last of my money trying to ease your burdens.

and i never did those things to keep score. i did them because loving you felt natural to me.

i think that’s why everything feels so empty now.

i didn’t realize how much of my life quietly involved you until you were suddenly gone from all of it. now every little thing reminds me that i don’t have my person anymore. i still catch myself wanting to update you about random parts of my day.

and i hate admitting that part of me is still waiting for softness from you.

i think because no matter how much i try to act okay, some part of me still misses you in every quiet moment.

sometimes i wonder if you miss me too.

sometimes i wonder if certain parts of your day still feel empty without me in them.

but i also know this feeling is temporary.

i know one day i’ll stop checking my phone hoping for comfort that may never come. one day i’ll stop measuring my mornings by your silence. one day i’ll learn how to exist without the person i built so much of my life around.

i think right now i’m just somewhere in the middle of all of that.

trying to grieve. trying to let go gently. trying to heal without turning all of our love into something bitter.

because literally moments before everything fell apart, we were laughing so hard together. everything felt normal. safe, even.

and then somehow the night turned into me crying and asking to be comforted, and now i’m here replaying both versions of us at the same time.

the one laughing with me like nothing was wrong, and the one who left me hurting like this.

it’s confusing when your last memories with someone aren’t all bad. when the warmth and the pain happened almost back to back.

and every morning the first thing i do is check my phone before i even fully open my eyes.

it’s so embarrassing to admit because at this point it’s not even about fixing the relationship anymore. i think i just want to feel like my pain mattered to her.

and the worst part is i know if she gave me that comfort right now, i’d come back without hesitation.

but every morning it’s nothing.

and somehow that silence hurts all over again.

not for us to get back together. not for some huge apology. not even for everything to magically make sense.

just comfort.

because the last thing i remember is crying in front of someone i loved and saying “i just want to be comforted,” and somehow i still feel stuck in that moment.

it’s such a lonely feeling when the person who hurt you is also the only person your heart wants softness from.

i forgave her. i stayed. i convinced myself i was okay already. but last night when it got brought up again, everything just came back at once and i couldn’t stop crying.

and the only thing i kept saying was “i just want to be comforted.”

that’s it.

not a fight. not another explanation. i just wanted to feel held for a second because it still hurt more than i admitted to myself.

i think sometimes you forgive someone before your heart fully catches up.

so you go on like normal, you laugh again, you love them again, and then one random night the pain hits you like it happened yesterday.

their sadness feels bigger, so you make yourself smaller around it. quieter. easier. less needy.

you tell yourself you can hold on a little longer because they need you more right now.

It’s been over a year without intimacy in my relationship. I’ve brought it up before, a few times, in different ways. Sometimes serious, sometimes trying to keep it light because it feels easier that way. But nothing really changed.

At some point you start to feel like you’ve said it too many times and you don’t want to become the person who keeps asking for something that isn’t being given back. So you stop bringing it up as much. Not because it stopped mattering, but because you get tired.

And then it gets even harder when real life things happen on the other side. Health issues, stress, everything heavy and serious. Because then you feel guilty for even having needs at all. Like your timing is always wrong.

But the truth is, I still feel it. I still notice the distance. I still miss that kind of closeness that feels mutual and chosen and not just assumed or postponed forever.

I don’t think it’s just about physical intimacy either. It’s about feeling like I’m still in a romantic relationship and not just a companion in someone’s life. I don’t want to be unfair about it but I also don’t want to lie to myself about how it feels.

I’ve been trying to understand if this is something that can still change or if this is just how things are now. And I don’t really have an answer yet.

I keep wondering if there’s a timeline for this kind of thing. Like, how long is “normal” before the silence between two bodies starts to mean something else?

Because at first, you understand it. Life gets busy. People get tired. You tell yourself intimacy isn’t just physical anyway. You hold onto the small things. Good morning texts. Shared meals. The way they still reach for your hand sometimes.

But then weeks pass. Then months. Then a year. And you start noticing the absence more than the presence.

It’s not even about intimacy anymore. It’s about feeling wanted. About being seen in that way that reminds you you’re still desired, still chosen, still more than just familiar. And when that disappears for too long, you start questioning things you never used to think about.

Am I still attractive to you? Do you still feel something when you look at me? Or are we just… comfortable now?

People say intimacy ebbs and flows. That it’s normal. And maybe it is. But no one really tells you when “normal” turns into neglect. When patience turns into quiet loneliness. When understanding starts to feel like you’re the only one trying to understand.

I don’t think there’s a fixed answer. No exact number of days or months where it officially becomes “too long.”

But I think you feel it.

You feel it in the way you hesitate before reaching for them. In the way you stop bringing it up because it always ends in the same conversation. In the way you start convincing yourself that maybe you’re asking for too much.

And maybe that’s the real question. Not how long is long enough. But how long can you stay in something where a part of you feels unseen, untouched, and quietly unmet.

I’d bring it up again. The same issue, the same hurt, the same explanation of why it mattered to me. I kept thinking maybe this time it would be different. Maybe this time you’d understand. Maybe this time something would actually change.

But it never did.

Eventually the conversation would turn into a fight. Somehow the thing that hurt me would become an argument about something else. About my tone, my timing, my “bringing it up again.”

And after enough of those fights, something in me just… stopped.

I stopped bringing it up.

Not because it stopped hurting.

Not because it got resolved.

But because I got tired of watching the same cycle play out over and over again.

“stay strong”

“you have so much to live for”

I’m doing the normal things, working, going through the day, but it feels like I’m not fully there. Like I’m just watching everything happen.