The Paladin Kid

Day 1:

She has left the paladin boy to rot in his own personal hell finally. I try to open my heart and get closure from her.She was like the reason I was able to escape myself. It was never my queen of pain who saved me. It was always destined to be her. The Shadow Fiend will remember his Vengeful spirit in his most private thoughts on long and lazy days. I think I’ll miss her forever. But soon she shall also fade into my deepest memories locked away in my labyrinth in my personal nether world. I drop her off at the railway station . I spend the next half an hour staring at her face trying to surface any hidden feelings that I could possibly have inside of me. I stare at myself in disappointment as I don’t feel what she feels.Closure felt so different here.

She asks me ,”Do you have anything left to tell me?”

I look at her . I smile. She frowns.I grin. She starts crying. Kiss me hard before you go. Summertime Sadness. I just wanted you to know.That baby you’re the best. I kiss her and I tell her this is the last time I’m gonna see her. She looks at me and nods.I get out of the train. I delete her from mind.Now the vengeful princess, is now just a mere spirit. The spirit of vengeance burns inside of me. 

The boy walks into a room where the air is filled with the smell of iron. He looks around. He only see mortals everywhere who aspire to develop some muscles only to impress some gangas. The boy-turned-man walks straight ahead and picks suitable weights and start lifting. 10 minutes into doing it he feels pain. He feels the rush of blood in his veins. Emo shit. But in a different way.It hurts.Real bad. The boy likes it. He vows to come here again everyday for the rest of his life

The boy walks into the gym again at 7am after his 1st meal of the day. It’s been exactly 13 months since he has been pumping iron.He looks at himself in the mirror. He catches that skinny dude looking at his bulges in his t-shirt.  He catches that girl mirin’ as he is walking to get fruits to go with bland tasting oats. But none of this disturbs his focus. He is a hundred percent focused on his daily routine atm.

The boy feels the pain as he progresses from light weights to the heaviest weights in the gym. He feels it as he pumps those iron and smells the after scent of the iron on his fingers as he throws those dumbbells down after finishing his gruesome set. He sits down and feels the tremors running through his body.  In those tremors he sees her face vibrating through his hallucinations he get in that pain. He sighs. He gets up and does his set again. When he pictures her face,his strength increases and he goes into an uncontrollable tren rage mode and blasts his set like its nothing. 

I look at my arms.My veins are popping.My biceps are trembling and popping and are feel full. I picture her whispering to me “oh look at yourself you pretty boy “. 

It’s been so long since I saw her face. It’s always been like that in every post I write.It’s not even a relationship at this point. It feels like a marriage on the outside and on the inside like love. Could this be love? What is love anyway when you’re 21? It hurts a lot inside. It always happens to people who dare to love that hard and submit yourself fully to her.  Separated by some 2000 miles but I knew she was my love . I feel her everywhere I walk. When some random junior girl approaches me and tries to tug her shirt down innocently to reveal more of her cleavage I see her face inside of me. When that northern Indian breeze passes through my face and as my hair blows in response to it, I see her . I sigh. Everyday is a battle. I used to lose everyday before. 

But we'll be alright cause it's all we know and it's only change. These are the times we will hold when our memories fade.  I look at my university football ground. Strangely it looks kinda beautiful at this point. I used to hate this place. Still do from time to time. Maybe it was because I was missing her. Now I see her everywhere.  It’s like she’s with me all the time. I see her face when I close my eyes and try to sleep whilst listening to ASMR. I picture her smiling face leaning in to kiss as I wake up everyday at 6 am so that I can hit the weights at 7am , her scent lingering around me but as soon as I try to soak in her scent, I smell the dry northern hot air in my room and it vanishes.  I wake up and brush my teeth and eat my oats and walk to the gym to start my day. I feel her gazing at me as I walk straight. She grinning at what I have become, what I had started for just merely surprising her when I would next meet her has literally become my life. 

Lately I have been hanging out with my batch mate who connects with me on an emotional level which no one here has been able to do so. I feel comfortable around her. I have cut off my from my previous friends who I now think were the epitome of cancer. Life is a little bit better now but I still miss her very badly.  I call her one night two weeks ago. She asks me,  “Do you miss me?”  I reply, “Everyday mi amor”.  She sighs. “Same here love. Same here”.  One day me midway but not today. 

And thus the dark lord’s apprentice was finally purged of his sins and given a new life to live. He still had his tally of sins to be forgiven for but at least he wasn’t blacklisted from heaven now.

The boy still loves her. His girl still loves him. But they are separated by some 1300 miles. The boy lost his phone and so has she. Their emo balance is maintained by the fates as of a see saw.  When she is happy the boy is a buzzkill. He is moody. As she gets happier and happier the boy’s emo level rises above at an uncontrollable pure raging rate. And when the prince a.k.a the fallen paladin is happy or even is in purging state she goes into a state of depression wishing such extreme things and giving up hope on the world.  Such is the state of conditions. Life never guarantees the things people want the most. That is how she sees it. We can never be together. In this world. “Perhaps in another world”, I tell to myself. 

It is raining when I reach her place. Despite promising myself that I wouldn't see her anymore I found myself waiting at some new cafe that opened up near her place. It has been almost an entire semester after we had ended it. Not that I stopped loving her. She in her master plan to overthrow me off my throne to return me from the gates of hell back to the paladin boy whom she had once known had succeeded. I remember her telling me once she always got what she wanted.   She comes in. I stand up and hug her. She kisses me lightly and tells me it’s been long. Our split had happened because I told her I needed time in order to purge myself of my sins and become a normal boy. Her normal boy. And she had unselfishly agreed to my demands as usual.   The paladin boy never had the need to impress his love with great gifts or surprises unlike his other friends did for their girlfriends. Yet he knew that she was high maintenance. In a different way of course.  We still talked and acted like a couple. I ordered a coffee latte and she had a mock tail or something. I told her how things were at my college. The usual way we talked. I told her all my problems at my college and how I hated it there and she told me hers and how she too hated here and how she wished that all this phase be over quickly so she could look forward to the next one.  We went walking after getting out of there. It was still pretty early in the morning. The sun shone lightly and the breeze was soothing. Kerala totally agreed with me. She held my hand as we walked. I stopped midway at a tea shop and got a pack of dunhill smokes. She smiled at me and squeezed my hand hard. 

 In the evening as I walked to drop her back to her college I tell her that I still love her and I always will. She then tells me “The one whom you love and the one who loves you are never ever the same person”. And then she tells me that she loves me. 

“But whom do you love?”, she asks me. I look into her eyes. I didn’t know. Naturally only her face came into my mind. I kiss her good bye and I leave . I tell her I will come again sometime but in the meantime not to keep in contact with me.  I needed to be alone for a while . Like a phoenix endures burning into ashes before being reborn again I had to do this for her. For myself. I was broken beyond repair. I had to try atleast.

Hey, I think it’s gonna rain” , I tell my cousin twin brothers. “Kerala is at it’s best when it rains. But it’s even better when it rains after midnight.It is said that the Devil visits earth at this time of the night”, he tells me. I grinned.

I smoked my 4th round in that bong. My dark armour was getting restless with all that cannabis coming in. My fallen-paladin brothers knew what I was. They never talked to me more than necessary. The next evening I smoke up again and go to the crazy old witch doctor who lived in an abandoned shack. I didn’t think he was so crazy after all.

The first time, he had troubles bowing to me. The Dark Lord in his young Paladin form stepping in his territory and actually speaking to him shook him. He mistook him for some pesky kid and tried to shoo him away. But as he came nearer and nearer to me he sensed my dark aura. He suddenly invited me in. I walk in quietly observing what he had. A goat’s tongue hung at the side - probably used for controlling one’s tongue. Feline blood potions,Intestines,skulls and other stupid tools lay there. “Amateur” , I mocked him . I told him I needed Tamarind Leaves and herbal Oil .The old man looked at me with his crazy eyes wide open. He touched my forehead and asked me “ What are you?” I turned my head and walked away.

My brothers feared that the old man would hex me. Hex is a very common spell used by amateur black magic wizards/witches. I laughed at their concerns. I smoke up and in the smoke, I see her face. I sighed. She had been calling me for two straight weeks. But I had bigger things to do. I knew I was a sadist.And I loved that. 5:30PM. The witch doctor stood humbly before his hut. He bowed to me this time. I asked him what he wanted as a payment. He told me. I agreed. He lights the fire and chants while I remove my tee shirt and rub burial ashes all over me and I sit down. I look at the dedication in his eyes but still disappointed at his amateurishness .  I close my eyes . I feel something after 20 minutes.It hits me as soon as he throws the leaves into the fire pit.

“Yajna”, he whispers into my ear. As soon as I find the word I’m looking for it fully hits me. I enter my realm. I see a portal of hell. I am an ethereal form unable to attack nor defend but only interact. I find the Lord sitting on his fiery throne. I go to him. I don’t speak to him because I can’t. I just look at him and he looks at me. I understand. I make my way out of there. But I can’t seem to do it. I take deep breaths . I feel the smell of the herbal oil on my forehead. I open my eyes. The Old man Looks at me with terror. I look back at him with bloodshot eyes. He offers me a rubber or some sort which when inhaled gives you a very dangerous high.I look at his trembling hands. He asked for my blessings. I give him money and leave.

She calls me in the night and I pick up. Two minutes into the conversation she starts crying. I always loved to hear the sound of soft crying. The most painful of the painfullest sorrow results in soft crying. I savour that moment and tell her to call me when she’s done crying and I cut the call. I switch off my phone and I step outside to smoke Kerala’s finest weed.My brothers offer me Acid and I take it.Blood vessels start popping inside my eyes. 3 AM I call her and she starts crying again. My trip has finally settled in and I’m much less ruthless now. I comfort her. She tells she misses me. “I miss you ”.

“I hate school mummy” ,I tell her. She makes a nutella sandwich and gives it to me and tells me to rush down or I would miss my bus. School was actually good. 9th grade was so exciting.I loved school so much ,it scared me. I loved being anywhere but home.

I walk through the streets of the holiest city in this world thinking about her. I text her.

Me:Hi! What are you doing? Her:Hey! Long time. I almost missed you. Me: Haha I missed you for real. H:Yeah whatevs.Do you know who’s A by the way? M:Umm, yeah I guess. Why? What’s up? H: Yeah? really? Cuz we kind of kissed yesterday. M: ... H:You ok?

 I fought with her that night.I cursed her and her stupid boyfriend. I just couldn’t digest all this in one day. I did apologize later but it was in vain. The pain was a little too much for a 9th grader. The depression in me had just obtained a source of fuel.It started from there. My parents would go to work, thus the house was always empty . I enjoyed a quiet home but never could stay alone for more than two or three hours. A quite home where I barely talked to my mother for more than three years. I almost never talked to my dad . I cried for her. I know she didn’t do the same and was probably making out with her new boyfriend and that made me cry even more . I buried my face with my hands and wept hard. I removed my hands. I couldn’t find tears.Realization swept across me. Something hit me in the head. I felt cold. I didn’t sleep the next 36 hours. She had officially stopped talking to me. She had blocked my number and on Facebook too. It was over without starting.                     

The Lord of the Shadows sits quietly in his room. He just wants to turn the lights off and enjoy the serenity between darkness and quietness but his two roommates do not want the light off. They are not exactly paladins but they come from a light family . A different race from India. The Lord has already drained much of their abilities with his ever feared positive drain aura.

The prince title had been stripped off from his name. He was not a part of the paladin community anymore. “Better to reign in hell,than serve in heaven”- whispered the Dark Lord to his Queen of Pain. And she nodded with a scared look in her face.

One night I took a train all the way to her college. I couldn’t take her whining about she missing me anymore. I went all the way to her college and took her to KFC. She held my hand all the time. I looked into her eyes as she ate. She hoped that I would marry her in the end . She had always talked about us having babies and all. This was all a joke to me until I saw her eyes. I turned off my aura suddenly.I removed my crown and I began to realize; what I saw in front of me was a paladin girl ,who thought I was her paladin prince. Deep down underneath my rock hard heart her eyes produced a cut in my heart. Blood started leaking. Feelings started to risen in me. I told myself what I was doing wasn’t right. I didn’t want my Queen to drop low nor wasn’t I ready to let her turn back into a paladin. I silently ate my chicken listening to her stories.We walked through that street holding hands.I looked at her. She leaned on me. I knew where this would lead on to. I didn’t need to experience it to know.

The Dark Lord stumbles into his room drunk and destroyed, almost on the verge of self destructing himself. He wonders how a woman could do this to him. A mere mortal woman shattering through his immunity and his immortal form . The Darkness never had experienced this much pain even when had challenged Satan himself and took the throne for himself.

Lucifer a.k.a The Darkness a.k.a Satan’s avatar a.k.a The fallen Paladin is most feared among his peer paladins.Everybody knows he is full of darkness but little do they know that he is the golden apple of satan himself. A mere 19 year old mortal paladin who spends most of his time fighting his depression issues and trying to improve his faith towards god attracts the devils and then becomes their king. The Dark Lord’s chronicles is surely a thing of beauty.

In this world of people , sooner you must choose to be evil or good.Those who choose good but still do evil are hypocrites. God frowns upon them.They will surely see the fiery gates of hell.Those who didn’t choose light do not admit that they have chosen the evil side. They live in a constant harmony of fighting with their inner selves for a good part of their lives.

But the dark lord chose the evil side for he knew what he was.All the acting around paladins ;all the being someone who he wasn’t was frustrating him. He wondered why he couldn’t be like a normal paladin kid who studied and prayed like he was supposed to. The Paladin then did something nobody had ever done before. He accepted his darkness. His evil within inside. He didn’t kneel to satan like other cowards do. He was a paladin and still had paladin blood flowing within him. He accepted the demons that surrendered to him because they feared his rising potential power. The Lord then challenged The Ultimate Devil Himself a.k.a Lucifer himself a.k.a The banished Jinn a.k.a The Most Wrath carrying creature a.k.a The horns of Hell. Satan impressed by his power and also pleased because of his paladin origin had now something to boast to god now. A Knight of the Light had turned to the dark side.” The first of many” said Satan to himself. Satan offered the kid his throne and renamed him “The Dark Lord” and returned to rekindle the huge fires of hell satisfied now that someone may take care of the business over there. The word passed out around quietly that Satan had named his successor and left the world. None of the paladins came to know this.Except one. The paladin had one girl who had broken his heart and poured molten lava into his soul. But afterwards she had befriended the lord again. People may say the Dark Lord is weak and forgives easily. The truth is that he just doesn’t care to give a flying fuck.

Now the Dark Lord didn’t give a fuck about heaven. At least at that time he thought so . He had totally changed and she could notice the difference the first minute itself.And she loved it. I pushed her aside out of my life. Kept her away from my life as much as possible.

A year later I went to my uncle’s place in India.Chennai is a pretty cool city. I didn’t smoke so often then . I had never tried cannabis either. The dark form which was boiling inside me had vanished. I had befriended this girl who lived next door who I think had a crush on me. She told her friends all about me and always talked about going out with me to places. I enjoyed her company but never gave in . I had officially completed my school life and would be joining my fucking high-hopes university in northern India. A new long distance relationship for a broken teenager is never the answer. My paladin father did his best to convert me back to what I was but he was paying the price for neglecting his son. The Dark Lord’s demons bow before him in fear for they know what you need to possess to become a devil but how powerful must he be to have born in a family of light warriors and then take the throne of Evil. 

The Dark Lord rests in his throne and has a piercing aura which reveals your pasts. He looks at you and knows your weaknesses. That’s his curse. He looks at himself the most and knows more than one is supposed to learn from their past mistakes. He needs to escape his terrifying shape shifting form. He prays to God to forgive him for his sins and he can feel the last layer of Paladin Armor he was born with glowing in response. It’s healing aura spreads all over him and lightens his tensions. But soon after his form returns. The banished prince lies in despair and depression for they two shall grow together and hope shall turn to hopelessness when there’s nowhere to go.