Oh my god, girl, you made me tear up, because I swear I came through that same experience just months ago.
Just like you, I always knew I liked women, and I just forget about it a bit.
I kinda told myself that I was open to other sexuality other than straight, but I never stopped to really feel. I just decided wether I liked or not a boy if it was convenient(yeah, I know, a bit cold but I was a repressed lesbian)
Literally every single thought that was beyond heterosexuality was justified as simple admiration towards women.
Until, for the first time in my life, more or less five months ago, I questioned for the first time in my life if I really liked men.
I only had one relationship with a man. No physical contact almost(I felt extremely uncomfortable), and no more than simple pecks or one or two hugs. Emotionally I forced myself to literally fit in the role that I was supposed to play.
Whatever, I started to realize that maybe I was exactly the one thing that I’ve always told myself it was impossible.
And then it came the doubt. The grief.
Because all the structures you’ve built along your life, the ideal of a perfect life with your “blonde prince”, your father taking you from your arm as you both walk toward your future, the “normal” future, the comfortable…
The joy of finding out you are pregnant by surprise, feeling the traditional dynamic, the protection they’ve always promised you, that child being half yours half his…
And you genuinely feel like…, it has never fucking fit.
And you feel it is unfair. Because it is.
Because your future shouldn’t be “normalcy”, but the only thing that makes your heart jump in your chest.
But then, it comes the reality. And the truth of your heart.
And finally, even when your grieving that past you, even when you’re still questioning yourself if you can just come back to be that blind girl again, you start really longer for someone for the first time. And this time, it finally fucking fits. Not in a society but in your mere soul.
And you yearn for the curve of a waist, or the fleshy, so sweet lips that for the first time, make you feel like this is your own version of that blonde prince. The weight of her body, the sound of her laughter. Her her her.
It gets better. It always does ❤️💝💝💝
(Sorry is super long 😭😭😭😭, but I really want to help you just as I would have liked to be helped at that moment. Hugs and kisses darling, you’re so strong ❤️❤️❤️)
AGAIN, I WAS TRYING TO DO THIS WHEN I ACCIDENTALLY PULSED THE REPORT BUTTON. I’m SO FUCKING SORRY.