My very close friend asked what my type of guy was. After all the other guys I found myself with, I didnāt seem to have a type. I told her that this is very trueāthat I didnāt have a type, and actually didnāt know what I was looking for. Every relationship was learning what I wanted more in a relationshipāor accepting that it just could not be attained.
My relationship with my father did not define that (my type of guy or standards in men), you see. He was there and yet he was distant. I did not know what to look for in a man because he did not help me set up the standards. Donāt get me wrong, I understood his love language for his family and especially for me. He was always the āYouāll see for yourselfā type. That while being a perfectionist and imposing these traits on me is another story. But I wished he guided me more in this area. I wish he helped me protect my heart.
At the same time, I watched my mother for years settle for a compassion-less marriage. I would often ask her what she saw in my father, and her answer did not convince me that it was enough to know he was the one. But for years she told me and herself the story word per word, and still I told her she could have had any guy she wanted with her beauty, smarts and charisma. I always felt she wasted her good years on my father, who though was good man for providing for his family, lacked in emotional support greatly, which stunted the growth of my mother. Somehow I even got to tell her if she had gone for that one guy she always told me made her heart skip a beat, she could have done herself a favor naturally, and myself included for not having been bornābut that is another story. I feel guilty for making her feel regret each time, but she says she never really did feel this way because she would say she has us, her children, or is that what she keeps on telling herself, too? I think seeing what my mother allowed in a relationship (even those with her children, friends and distant relatives) was also a factor in what I thought was okay. I watched others be treated nicely by their men, and I would sadly think to myself each time that those things just donāt happen to meāas if I did not deserve them. At one point, just because I kept bumping into this guy made me feel that the universe must be conspiring to bring us together, but it was just a lazy and stupid reasoning to assess a guy for his worth because , as it turned out that when it was inconvenient, nothing in the entire universe would conspire to bring him to spend time with me!
I did eventually find out the type of guy I was looking for. Funnily enough, he resonated some quirks my old man had, but he is slow to projection and quick to laugh and forgive. He is so gracious. I didnāt know how much I needed this which I so scarcely allowed myself to enjoy. Grace. Everything I wanted someone to have for me so I could be reminded to be that for myself as I undo my inner traumas. Or did I just find myself my father but with some upgrades? In a positive light, I guess I always did think of my father as a good man but he could be better had it not been for his upbringing as well. How the search for my type of guy brought that up and whole lot of family issues is just something else. Haha
