Painfully Avoidant

Where do I start?.. 

There is parts of myself that I have denied for so long and I have berried deep inside. I’m starting to feel as if I’m trapped and I’m running out of oxygen. I care so much about what people think of me and so I hide the real me to make them happy. Sadly I base my worth off of what others think of me. 

Now that being said there is something I’m needing to get off my chest. Something I need to fully admit.. I’m lesbian.

I’ve dated guys and am currently dating one. I’ve only ever dated one girl and that was the only time I’ve actually felt something for someone. I date guys because I like the attention.. I know this is not good.. I know this is bad.. I just hate being alone and being with someone even if I’m not attracted to them is better then living in isolation and painful loneliness. However, I’m starting to realize that I’m wasting my life. Living a lie  I will never find the real happiness I deserve. I know that I need to let go of fear and take a chance.