paichi poems

each award i win, a block is added

each time im praised, another goes on the top

but how long can i stack until it crumbles?

how long until they start to dwindle,

until my accomplishments are so little they can no longer stand?

how long until my tower is not the the tallest,

and all those blocks crumble under the weight

its only a matter of time

until i cannot keep building

taller and taller

its only a matter of time

until i am tired

and cant keep stacking

its only a matter of time until i start to crack

or it might be the best decision

the view from the chair,

a light breeze from my window,

the last sunset i'll witness

it's a beautiful sight,

but not beautiful enough

to keep me here

i'll whisper apologies to myself,

then take my final step off the edge,

and let it tighten around my neck

maybe it'll be my greatest regret,

maybe it will feel like freedom

i just have to give it a try

'i want to be a kid again'

until its grade 2

and my 'friends' have stolen my glasses

'i want to be a kid again'

until its grade 4

and they're locking me in the bathroom at lunch

'i want to be a kid again'

until its year 6 graduation and im signing everyone's names on my shirt so my mom believes i have friends

maybe being a kid wasn't so great

maybe growing up isn't too bad

what is love,

if not to accept me

and all my imperfections?

to love one means

to acknowledge their failures

and flaws

but also their beauty

the beauty of those flaws

will you love me,

even if

im more flawed than not?

when the day comes,

will god let me into heaven

if i kill myself?

is it a sin to hate this life,

and the people too?

will i be punished

for wanting to rest?

a time will come when

i no longer have anything

to ask of this world

i will no longer

seek approval

or joy

i will lay down in bed

just once more,

and dream

just one last,

long dream

you are me

we're two of the same

my body might be a monster,

but your heart is one

youre cruel and disgusting

but so am i

we truly are one of the same

a monster born of another

a mother and a daughter

half a glass, maybe less or even a full one?

will you be satisfied if it's empty, or will you ask for more even if it's full?

will you be satisfied even if i have nothing to give, or will you expect the world from me time and time again?

disgusting

i feel disgusting

like bugs crawling under my skin,

invading the home that is my body,

and stealing it from me

your touch will linger

long after ive washed it off

the scent on my pillow sheets

the sensation from that night

it's repulsive, really

to defile a child,

saying you're re only trying to educate me

my body is no longer mine

and a disgusting thought

i shouldn't even consider it

shes gorgeous

light brown hair like honey,

deep brown eyes like the forest

i could listen to her voice for hours,

but i won't

it's a nasty thought,

i shouldn't even consider it

a girl cant love another girl

its out of the question

we're just two girls,

and a disgusting thought

no one will mourn me.

i wish to disappear,

rot in the earth,

and be forgotten

i yearn for it so deeply,

my heart pleading for it

as my mind tries to fight against

the snot drips from my nose

and down my throat

each time i sniffle

i dont want this

i dont want to be so pathetic,

but i cant help but want

i want to feel something,

anything

my head is light,

my eyes sting,

my throat feels like its closing up.

then,

the tears start;

ugly sobs, shoulders shaking.

only you could make me cry like this,

my own mom.

ill seek your approval everyday

and each time,

ill be greeted with your cold voice.

the tears wont stop,

i cant make them.

my makeup is streaky

and my shoulders are heaving.

i feel sick each time i turn to you

and you scold me for existing.

im sorry,

im not the child

who you can be proud of.

the prettiest girl ive ever seen, my best friend i love her, though not romantically she is the prettiest girl ever, but not just her looks her personality and her laugh and the look in her eyes when she sees me, theyre all gorgeous she is gorgeous

7 hours at school, i return home

7 hours of hard work, bullying, snarky comments, and an apple for recess

after that, i deserve a break

the light of the screen flickers across my face as i scroll

a makeup tutorial, a workout routine, a 500 calorie diet, a girl with a 22 inch waist

7 hours of torture, i return home only to have all my insecurities shoved back in my face

one day,

you'll learn rough hands

aren't always used to hurt,

that hands can do more than hit

i'll teach you,

let you feel my calloused palms

against your skin

you'll learn those hands

can be soft

that they can bring comfort

not pain