Pads & Rags

I see you And you seem “put together” You seem active, sociable, busy, Independent, motivated, passionate, Know what you want, I thought I used to be like that, I really did think I was doing good, But now I feel pathetic up against your beauty, Up against your pristine looks, Strong legs, confident smile, Lying next to a woman who loves you, You know who you are, You know your values, your loves so well, You know what you want your life to look like, And I can barely get through the day Without feeling a mess, Hating what I am, Hating what I see in the mirror, Hating that I can’t be alone, Your car is lived-in, Your evenings are always full, You do so much with your life, And I feel my silly little desires are nothing, I’m constantly crippled with fear, And you just seem to Do It, Without caring what people think, Without panicking about how you look, I know you have had your struggles too, I know you felt alone once too, And you picked yourself up, Without anyone else’s help, And you got back on horses, You worked out, met new people, Danced and got better and better, You persevered, you were patient, You let new people into your heart, When I can’t seem to finish anything I start

When I'm down, I really hate you, I see the summer pics, the airports and picnics, the barbeques, and pub gardens, and I hate everyone, But when I'm up, it keeps me up, Posting whatever's on my mind, and the replies, the illusion that people are listening, care, stories I can look back on and see that I can be happy.

OK, so I know I'm not completely over him, or should I say, I'm not over my torn, bloody heart from touching his, But I'm in a different place, new job to show my face, and yet, every now and then I have a dream about you out of the blue, like maybe I can't help it, fuelled with rejection, My heart still loves you. Most of the time we're not having sex like you'd think, Most of the time you ignore me on the street, or in a bar, Last night you looked right past me, and I don't know why I bother to dream about you at all.

My optician said I have dry eyes, must be all the tears I've cried.

Is it normal to fantasise about getting into a car accident or getting ill, because then you won't have to figure out how to kill yourself, and my family won't feel guilty, sounds easy for everyone.

I flip through the diary to rip out old weeks and I see it, It's been some time, I don't remember ever writing your name on paper, I didn't think I was brave enough to show us for real, But there it was; "Drinks with ..."

Here I am. It's true; no single life event can create true happiness but we are all trying. Up ahead of me, out the window there is the big long road to the hospital, I see blue lights throughout the day and evening flutter through, To the left and right, people drive through. People; old women, families, students, taxi drivers, small vans and big trucks carrying the Christmas food stock, a big one passes with a tree on top, I look out here, I see the world ticking on, And I think; If all these souls can get up and keep going, when it's hard, dark and cold, when we're all just trying to make it through this Winter, I can too.

I think one of the reasons I miss you so much Is that I spent so many years thinking that unconditional love didn't exist, But there it was, right in front of me, All this time