Packet Rats

In a newly-released tape, Trump talks about aggressively pursuing sex with a married woman, saying, “I moved on her like a bitch.” People shouldn’t be surprised by that, Trump does everything like a bitch.

In previously unaired footage from a 2005 taping of Access Hollywood, Donald Trump bragged about groping women and trying to have sex with a married woman. Responded Trump, “What am I supposed to chat with strangers about, my grandkids?”

In the Vice-Presidential debate, Mike Pence spent a lot of time denying that Trump said the things that he said. Nevertheless, Pence finished strong with his new slogan, [singing] “Come with me, and you’ll be, in a world of pure imagination…”

At the beginning of the Vice Presidential debate, when Mike Pence thanked the host university, he called them by the wrong name. He accidentally said “Thanks, you stupid commie lib-tards.”

USA Today broke its 34-year tradition of never picking sides in the presidential race with an editorial saying, “Whatever you do, don’t vote for Trump.” Unfortunately, readers may not understand that simple message, because it wasn’t in the form of a pie chart.

The man who wrote the famous “I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener” song died last week at age 87. To honor him, the company will start up a special meat grinder and grant his wish.

While on vacation in Italy during his suspension, Tom Brady was photographed sunbathing in the nude. Although Brady is famous as the Patriots’ quarterback, the photos show a Redskin tight end.

A 21-year-old Australian man was bitten on the penis by a venomous spider for a second time. Or as Australians would say, they’re going steady.

Spanish automaker SEAT and Cosmopolitan magazine have designed a new car with special features just for women. When the 'check engine' light comes on, it doesn't want to be fixed, it just wants you to acknowledge it.

After opposing Donald Trump for many months, Ted Cruz announced he’s changed his mind. Said Cruz, “After a lot of careful thought, I’ve decided my wife IS ugly.”

Marriott has just purchased Starwood, becoming the world’s largest hotel chain. They made the acquisition after analysts asked, “If you love Starwood so much, why don’t you Marriott?”

An employee of the Canadian Mint allegedly smuggled out $140,000 in gold, hidden in his butt. Canadian police caught him by following a rainbow to his toilet.