Dear Diary, I failed.

Dear Friend:

I feel so much better. I can feel Vancouver’s love. While it is Mercury Retrograde, I was able to nab one of the best opportunity I could have this year. I really hope it gets better than this to be able to get job security in the next several years.

I’d also like to point out how desperation can keep us off rails of our goal. Two weeks ago, I went to an interview that went really well, to the point that the hiring manager told me that she wanted to hire me pending references on the same day of the interview. However, it was a job where I was completely overqualified and totally not aligned with my goals. I almost said yes to them because I did not have any other leads that pushed through. I was crying and severely depressed at that moment. I was cradling all these negative emotions to fester upon me without the help of anybody. Then, I had a slip. I sent a text to my partner saying, “Can we talk privately?” He was at work and kept calling me several times. I did not pick up. When he came home, he prodded me to tell him what’s wrong. So, I told him everything. He encouraged me to say no to the offer and that even he would not allow me to travel 3 hours every day for a job that I don’t want and will potentially be miserable with. He reassured me that everything’s well with our finances. He even composed a letter for me to decline the offer in the most professional way. Three days after that breakdown, I got another offer with a global company where I can practice my craft in different ways. I am glad I have him to remind me that saying yes to an offer at the expense of my mental health and competencies is not the best way to go on with life. I am lucky that I have him and that he loves me. Tomorrow, I start at this new job and I am greatly motivated to make it work!

In relation to that, I had a talk with a good friend yesterday. The main topic was how different the work culture is here vs in Manila. Also, how in Manila, we were raised that your career is your life success metric. She’s a Strategic Planner and she pointed out that we need to pivot our perspective because it is different here. Your career is not the only life success metric. That felt good.

I feel grateful. Thank you. Thank you to everyone who stood by me in this journey. I really hope I can make you all proud.

Thanks for reading.

Dear Friend:

Did I move to Vancouver to become a call centre agent?

Thanks for reading.

Dear Friend:

I saw a quote on Instagram that says, “Rejection is just redirection.” That made me feel good for a snippet of time. Somehow, every time I get a rejection letter from a certain job application, I get disheartened. I can’t help it. I can’t just pretend not feeling when I can feel it. I can feel my failure in each one of those rejections. 

Okay, fine, one must say I should gain perspective. Easier said than done. If only there is something I can do to stop feeling, I would. I want to stop feeling.

Thanks for reading.

Dear Friend:

Here he goes again. Blaming my mental sickness as the root cause of us fighting. It hurts me a lot when people tell me that what I think happened was just all in my head because I’m sick. It hurts me when they say I fabricate stories because I’m sick.

I can’t let people affect me like this anymore. Why are they saying that I live in an entirely different reality? Or am I?

Thanks for reading.

Dear Friend:

My mood is better and I have neither thought of hopelessness nor that abominable thing in weeks. My other contract got shortened but I don’t feel as down anymore. Well, I did wallow a bit but eventually got over it. I have a new assignment and I’m liking it, too. I guess I really do like administrative work that has a direction.

It has been more than a week since I saw that job posting that I thought would be right for me. Somehow, I keep putting off sending my application and portfolio to them. For one, I still feel a little bit bad about my friend who didn’t tell me about the position and that my friend is trying for it as well. Another was this odd feeling of doubt--can I actually do it? Is this what I want to do?

Why am I more excited for another admin coordinator position than a content coordinator position?

Thanks for reading.

Dear Friend:

I would like to disappear.

I failed so bad, even my friend does not feel like sharing opportunities with me.

I failed so bad, even my Dad does not think I am worthy to assist him at his job. 

I failed so bad, that when somebody asks me what I do, I am nothing. A nobody.

I am such a nobody that my direct Supervisor at this temp job does not even remember to approve my timesheet.

I am such a nobody that my partner blames me for every little mishap that did not go his way.

I would like to disappear.

Thanks for reading.

Dear Friend:

Anti-Jess. Sooooo anti-Jess. Rory deserved that kind of break-up from Dean, honestly. While I am not Dean’s biggest fan as to how hot-tempered he was towards Rory and how he saw women as traditional housemaids, Rory was wrong to emotionally cheat on Dean. The guy was head over heels for her and she ignored it. She should have given him a clean break if she was having feelings for another person. Soooo anti-Jess. He squirrelled his way into Rory’s life and made her a cheater. I know, Rory is responsible for every action she did. Still, he prodded her and never left her alone.

I hate cheaters.

Thanks for reading.

Dear Friend:

I feel happy this past week. I think the temp job is really helping me. I like what I’m doing and I aspire to be one of them. I wish that I’ll find a place like this in the near future.

Also, I got my invitation to a citizenship test last week! YASSS! I thought I will never be invited at all. Thank the heavens. Now, onto studying the government structure of Canada and its history…

On the depression side of things, I got myself an appointment with the Doctor to ask for a reference to a Psychiatrist.

Things are looking good so far. Maybe until my temp work lets me go…

Thanks for reading.

Dear Friend:

It has been harder and harder for the past couple of days.

I broke my water fast on the first day because I felt dizzy (paired with a low blood sugar) around lunch time. I guess I am not equipped yet to do a water fast, but it’s okay.

Out of 32 applications, I finally got a phone interview just for a 3-week placement. Guess what? I tanked it. If I can’t even get a 3-week placement, then what future do I have in trying to get a full-time job? My life is hopeless.

Speaking of hopeless, my partner revealed last night that he has been reading up on articles about depression and that he thinks I am depressed and need help. I stood firmly that I am just sad, not depressed. Out of curiosity, I took several quizzes available online and the result was that I am “severely depressed.” Honestly though, I think I am just sad. For his peace of mind, I sent a message to the crisis centre looking for alternative ways on how to get help. You may say that I should tell my Family Doctor, but he is an arse (pardon my language). I do not trust his cold-hearted treatment towards his “patients.”

What do you think I should do? Will you talk to me?

Thanks for reading.

Dear Friend:

The waves can calm me. It has its own magic and command over me. When I die, I want to be one with them.

While sitting on the rocks, watching the waves, I realized that I’ve been trying to keep myself from being productive. I would take edibles, oil, sleep deprivation, etc. just to make myself feel incapacitated from what I have to do. I have been running away instead of facing things head-on. What did I say about 2019? It’s all about doing things and not about overthinking things.

Now, my resolve is that I am not good enough. I am not good enough so I have to accomplish something. The period of molly-coddling and complacency has to stop.

By the way, to start this resolve, I will be doing a 7-day water fast starting tomorrow. I will put my mind into it and it will happen.

I may be a failure today, but I will stop at nothing until I am satisfied with my life and useful to my family.

Thanks for reading.

Dear Friend:

When I looked at my laptop’s clock, it was already 4:23 AM. I have already submitted 6 job applications before it was even 5 in the morning. As of today, I have submitted 24 job applications: 1/24 response, 1/24 rejection, 23/24 no reply.

I am useless without a job. I need something to do. I even tried pawning myself off at a freelancer site, and still, nobody would hire me there.

Needless to say, my joblessness has led to a broke household. Exhibit A: I shared with my partner how one of my teeth could have undergone trauma due to an unlevelled filling. His response was, “We do not have any money for dental care.” To which I replied, “I am not asking you to take me to the dentist; I was just sharing.”

We got into a heated discussion where he ended up pushing me again to seek help about my mental health. I told him that I am not sick in the mind; I am just sad. Every time I feel so down he would always charge it to me being sick in the mind.

Here we go again. Twice in my life, I have sought help about my mental health. Once was from a mental health clinic where I was just given the cliche speech of “Your job does not define you. Therefore, do other things that make you you,” and handed a suicide hotline number in case I try to harm myself. Another was from my family doctor who said I was just stressed and gave me a doctor’s note to take 2 weeks off of work. He also gave me a referral to a psych clinic, but who are we kidding? It will take 6 months to a year before I can get an appointment. I hereby stand that the medical community is not well-equipped to handle the wave of demand of their constituents’ mental health issues.

Again and again, I told my partner that I’d rather handle my “sickness” on my own. Besides, I am just sad. I am not sick in the mind. I would like to skip telling my immigrant-survival-job narrative to a stranger while bawling my eyes out only to be given a piece of paper with a call centre agent’s number on it. No, thank you.

Speaking of harming myself, it has been more than a year since I physically attempted anything. I have been doing very well. Although, at least once a day, I think of my Tita Len who has cancer. She’s a wonderful sister, mother, aunt, grammy to everyone. I am willing to take her place under the cancer torture chamber if it means her living longer with her loved ones. Her life is more valuable than mine. Don’t you think?

Thanks for reading.