* SOLDIER / PAWN

:-P

“ Look at the time! I really must dash. But it was a genuine pleasure meeting you, mortal. Maybe we’ll see one another again very soon. ”

“     i just thought you might have handcuffs.  “     the best way you convince people you’re not lying to them is to tell them you are!  “    kudos on the childrearing. let me know how the therapy goes.  “    you want to nickname a body part, nickname your butt, man! call it the tight-bouncer or the hexagon.  “     mrs. pickles is her full name. though i’m not actually sure cats can marry outside of boston. “    you know, if this is some sort of hazing ritual and we’re gonna end up naked in a field, i’ll need to arrange for a ride first.  “     let me tell you something. this cat here is a gift, a conduit for us to save lives. “     okay. either that guy is a phenomenal actor… or he’s dead. “     i’m sorry, did that joke just arrive in a time machine from 1992? “     dude. some guy in a wolf costume with a light saber just said hi to you. “     wait, was this the movie you dragged me to where the hero had big nipples on the outside of his costume? “    damn those nipples! “     he is very forgiving of others. for instance just the other day, i spilled the hot cocoa all over his genitals, and i say “i’m sorry,” and it is fine. “     heard about pluto? that’s messed up, right? “     they want me to wear shoes made out of legos, so i’m torn. “    oh i see, so she picked up somebody’s kit-kat wrap means she didn’t kill anybody? that makes sense. “    clouds don’t kill people. people kill people. “    perhaps you’re referring to my license to kill. revoked. trouble at the kazakhstan border. i could give you the details but then i’d have to kill you, which i can’t do because my license to kill has been revoked. “    well, i did go to cheerleader camp. for two weeks. i got kicked out. “    suffice to say i don’t like liars who steal nail polish and then pass out when you slap them a little bit on the back of the head. “    i feel like an angel baby swaddled in a cocoon of cloud candy. “    no, i’m not mad. i’m happy. i’m thrilled. i love looking like an idiot. “     if i had learned how to laugh as a child i would right now. “     don’t you dare learn a wrong lesson while i’m trying to teach you a right lesson! “     well, that’s a stupid house to rob. “     i’d say that’s pretty ridiculous. not as ridiculous as denise richards playing a nuclear physicist named christmas jones in a bond movie, but still. “     are you trying to tell me you went skydiving with a rabbi? “     i don’t need you and your misplaced prepositions! “     ___ is a lying liar from liarsburg! “     i’d rather shower with a bear. “     i’ve heard it both ways. “     great, now we got a mummy on the loose and the son of a bitch knows how to drive a stick? “    it’s just that laws keep changing. it’s getting very challenging to keep up with them all. for example, did you know that it is now illegal to give a possum a perm? “    actually, all i have is the phrase “i have a full-proof plan.” beyond that, i’m wide open. “     i have an idea, but we’ll need cool names. “    what part of “stay put” is confusing to you?! “    maybe i should have said “mc no help” or “doctor do nothing” because you’re bringing nothing to the table! “    you cannot sit here alone in the dark in a parked car. you’ll get picked up for mopery with intent to creep. trust me, it’ll kick a big hole in your future. “    okay, um. let’s see, one: did you kill that guy? “     did you know that before he stabbed a guy, he was a life coach? “    i can’t believe you actually thought that text was from me. it lacked all nuance, my signature mocking tone, and was utterly devoid of emoticons. “    a dead body changes things. “    guys, please. can we come up a term that covers both a killer and an arsonist? how about ‘arsassin’? “     how can you tell that someone’s a compulsive liar? i mean, assuming their pants aren’t on fire. “     i got these jeans at a garage, not a garage sale, a garage. clearly pride is not an issue for me. “     i haven’t snuck into your apartment in weeks. which reminds me, you’re all out of peanut butter. “    why aren’t you two out interviewing suspects, or feeling the walls, or whatever the hell it is you do? “     what are you saying? that he has a hunch based on unverifiable information? “    i don’t lose things. i place things in locations which later elude me. “    i solve a case every week. and usually one around christmas. “    he shoulda just played dead, man. i always said that’s what i would do if someone was tryin’ to kill me. just play dead! i mean they’d be like, “we’re gonna kill you!” and then i’d be like, “dead.” then they’d be like, “oh, he’s dead, let’s go kill somebody else,” and then they would leave. “    dude, are my eyes seeing what my brain is telling my eyes that they’re seeing? “    we’re just trying to figure out what we’re dealing with here. two men are dead and tonight’s another full moon. i can’t believe i just said that. “    did you bring a date to the crime scene? “    i’m not big on nude handshakes. “    this is the thanks i get for giving you a cat and finding a guy to remove your baha men tattoo? “    you can’t solve a case in four minutes. “     you gotta grow up. people have sex and they kill each other. that’s the real world. not some magical “feelings” place. “    in your professional opinion, how do i die? “    you just pressed my competitive button and now it’s on. “    criminal profiler, huh? sounds like one of those job titles that only exist in cheesy tv shows. “    are you asking me out next to a dead person? “    i will eat you in manageable, bite-sized pieces. “    wait a second, you’re mad at me for not being mad? “    i’m shocked at you for not being shocked! “    we came to investigate, catch bad guys and eat pie. “    i’m just getting started, you giant cockroach. you know what? that was out of line. i apologize to cockroaches everywhere, especially jiminy cricket. although for the first time in over thirty years, it occurs to me, he might be a cricket. “     just so you know, if you go to prison, i will not wait for you! “    if i had to choose, i would die execution style, by firing squad. “     sorry, i was too busy james bonding it up in here. “    dude, i just got us diplomatic immunity. what do you wanna steal? “    you disgust me! you make me sick to my face. “    oh, dear lord, please tell me this is a dream. “    why are you wearing sunglasses at an autopsy? “    i think i’m gonna turn myself in. “     i can’t help being a gorgeous fiend. it’s just the card i drew. “    i’m dangerous in a sexy way. “    how much blood was it exactly? “     i’ve solved more crimes than i can count. because i have solved a lot of crimes, not just because i can’t count very high. “     they tell me i got something called narcissistic personality disorder. but, uh, the truth is this lustrous hair and dimpled chin are merely chapter one. i’m a veritable cornucopia of high-octane maladies, such as outrageous intelligence syndrome. and a little obsessive successful disorder. “    we may have a children of the corn situation happening here… “    we’re so far off the grid i think we may be back on the grid. “     i’ve worked with professionals, mercenaries, compromised double-agents, and yet no one’s behavior has been as utterly confusing as yours. “     i believed in your colleague who turned out to be a homicidal maniac. “     how many “get out of jail free” cards does a guy get? “     just because you put syrup on something don’t make it pancakes. “     well, the plot, unlike your hair, continues to thicken. “     alright, just stay calm, okay? i’m pretty sure like 90 percent of gunshot wounds are psychological. here’s the good news: the body’s actually designed for this sort of thing! “    you made out with a serial killer. “     it’s the same motive of the biblical tale of the very first murder. brother kills brother over multi-use retail and residential space. “    please tell me things haven’t gotten further out of control. “    silences make me uncomfortable.

“Same place that ground my family to dust…gave you the good life.”

Oswald is a great poster child for positive quotes 🐧☂️